*sniff sniff* whats a girl do? apart from become a lesbian!

[kittylicious]

Hia gang, i just did a poll on here and yayy i scored a 80!
What does your score mean?
I'll certainly give you this: you know the unwritten sexual rules of etiquette like the back of your hand. Your score means that you are respectful, considerate and concerned with more than just your own pleasure. You know that good sex means giving and communicating, and you handle the whole thing in a very mature way. Congrats!
..................................................................................................
Hmm then why doesn't my boyfriend want me? :( he says it's low sex drive and I say pfffft to that, once a month is tortise sex drive! He can jerk off 5 times a week but only want to make love to me once a month? we are 25 and 29 yrs old. I'm not a super model but hey I think I look pretty good, I walk 7 days a week, I am 25 years old, 5'6, size 10, mousyblonde, green eyes and I never FUCKING YELL! I am very affectionate and easy going and pretty much get on with everyone, so what is the problem?

He loves me but I feel like I am living with a friend, he hardly kisses me apart from a hi kind of kisses on the lips a day, I want passion and intimacy, I want a friend and a lover, am I really asking for too much? guys? girls? please tell me!

OH gee I guess it could be because he works nights then comes home and sits infront of his computer till 4 hrs before he has to go back to work then sleeps till the alarm goes of, goes back to work comes home to the computer (no he isn't having an affair online, he uses the pc for porn and games) then goes back to work. He has wed & thurs off but still sits in the study on his computer. ALL DAY! When I get home from work he leans up to kiss me but keeps his eyes on the computer unless I ask him to give me a hug and kiss. "But you know I love you sweetheart"

I know that sex isn't everything in a relationship but if he loves me as he says he does then shouldn't he WANT to spend a little less time with his computer and a little more time with me? and shoudn't he WANT to want to make love to me? I just want to feel a little needed and desired is that really too much to ask for? I would say on average he spends 15 minutes with me when he gets home and then a few times during the day/evening before work he will have a cup of coffe with me, he comes out for dinner and goes back in, he doesn't hide it from me what he does which sometimes makes me feel worse especially when it comes to the porn, hey we all look at porn, you do, I do, we all do but when that is enough to satisfy you sexually to the point you don't really need your partner, what does that say about me? :(

I don't want to leave him because I do love him but I'm tired of living with my friend, I want to live with my friend and lover.

Excuse me while i go off and cry now lol

[osuche]

Kitty...pm me if you want to talk. I'm going through a similar situation myself. It's easy to let a relationship slide into friendship and have the sex fizzle.

I have some ideas and also would be a good shoulder...

Hope to hear from ya.

[Loulabelle]

ok Kitty and Osuche:


THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!

You are both worth far more than this. Don't LET your guy sit in front of the PC/TV?whatever and vegetate. Think of it this way: while you are being easygoing and letting your guy behave like this, you are sending out the message that you don't think you're worthy of more attention than his computer, so why in the hell should HE think you are? Next time he's on the PC (looking at porn, is probably the best time) strip naked and stand between his eyes and the screen. DEMAND that he pays you attention (he'll probably like the fact that you're taking control of the situation) Say to him: 'Why just look at it, when you have it right here in front of you and you can touch it taste it smell it etc...?'

My advice is: if he's not paying attention to you, you need to make it impossible for him not to pay attention to you. If he doesn't respond to this move, then now's the time for you to begin a conversation with him about it. If he refuses to talk about it, you need to tell him how unhappy it's making you and that if he loves you the way he says he does, then surely the health and happiness of your relationship is more important than games/ porn.

I imagine what may come out of these discussions may indicate some problems that your man is having. Sounds to me, like he may be depressed (and may be suffering some self esteem issues which are causing problems in your sex life) and it sounds like he's certainly not getting enough sleep. Men find it hard to face up to their own problems and often woul rather hide from them by escaping into activities that make them feel safe (computer games and masturbation, I can almost guarantee, would have formed part of his 'safe haven' during those tumultuous adolescent years, and we often go back to things which used to provide comfort in times of distress).

And ladies, if he refuses to talk, refuses to fuck, refuses to spend more time with you, then you MUST realise that you're better than that, and that it might be time to think about moving on. A guy who is unwilling to try to make a relationship better is not someone you want to spend your life with/ have kids with/ whatever, is it?


(((((Hugs)))))) to both of you.........PM me if you want to talk. :)

[darogle]

I'm with Loulabelle...you don't deserve to be treated like that...no one does! There are plenty of guys out there that are dying to give you the attention you deserve! You need to sit this lump down and tell him what's up!

[BigBear57]

Ya know some guys get addicted to porn. It may take some counciling to get things back to a somewhat normal state. I can't say I understand why a guy would rather masterbate than have the real thing but that in itself is a statement of selfishness. As Lou pointed out, you deserve more out of simple consideration. The longer you let it go, I'm afraid the less likely it is to change. Good luck, I hope he'll get a grip on reality and you can both be happy.

[Belial]

Has he always been this way?

It sounds like he's so exhausted that he feels he needs a bit of 'cheap and easy' entertainment, and what he's doing with the computer is a great way to get it. He can switch his brain off and be entertained. This may sound stupid, but perhaps he feels as if he needs to work hard mentally to stimulate you (not just sexually). I don't know how "advanced" you guys are with the relationship, but maybe what you and he need is a weekend, or even a day, where he has absolutely no work commitments to worry about, he's well-rested, and there's no "cheap entertainment narcotics" around. If he's willing to try that, then that might be the trick. If he's able and not willing to try, then I'd be inclined to think that he's a grown child. You want a man.

[dm383]

kittylicious;

Not much to add to what the wise people above have said.... but taking Belial's sugestion a step further, could you arrange a weekend/couple of days for you both to get away from home? My S/O (Celticangel) and I try to do this as often as we can, which isn't easy, but it lets us spend ALL our time & attention on each other.... which is great!! (Mind you, we don't have the same problem as you! ;))

Try it though; it DOES re-charge our batteries, so to speak, and if nothing else, you'll have some REAL space to talk, with no PC/porn/whatever to distract you!!

DM

[whothe]

When you figure it out let me know. My wife is the same way (actually worse). My son was born 20 months ago and we have only made love twice. Its not like I don't try, but she just says no, rolls over and goes to sleep.

Don't let it get you down too much though. If he won't give it up, it may be time to toss his ass out. That may be my only recourse,

Who

[Casperr]

<stares blankly at the screen>


You have a boyfriend???



SHIT!

[Casperr]

But being serious for a change :)

Exactly what Loulabelle said - seduce him. Being in a relationship without intimacy SUX. Make sure he knows how unhappy you are about this!!

Some guys just naturally aren't intimate people. This is one of the world's greatest tragedies of humankind, on the same sort of level as World War II and reality television.
Good luck hun, I wish you the all the best!

Of course, fact of the matter is I think your only option is to dump him and drive down to Melbourne and get all the intimacy you want from me! :)

Teehee!
CasperTG

[Hobart1123]

Lets make a trade. He can have my wife and you come live with me. They can be 2 complete and total strangers in the same house and we can burn the world down.....


Serious response: Sounds like possible internet addiction. It does exist and can be as harmful as a chemical addition. Something to think about.






Oh, yes, Hi, I'm the new guy.....

[kittylicious]

I hear you all! and I know it, i know what I have to do, my head tells me what the right thing is to do but my damn heart just won't let me do it. You see this is LOVE for me (I've never ever felt this before, never even come close to being in love) and yet I allow him to treat me this way! I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me but I do know that I deserve so much better. We have been together for 3 years and lived together for 1, he has only been working nights for 3 months before that he was working 7 hour days and still did the same thing only he would get on the computer about a hour after he got home and sometimes stay on it until 4 or 5 in the morning.

I actually think he is a bit confused sexually because alot of his porn is gay porn. I know I can hear you all saying well why the fuck are you with him? and to be honest I don't know, Love? or maybe he is just giving me something I need right now, emotionally, not that it is much that he is giving. This past 4 years I've lost someone very close to me and a baby, something else has happened to me that I'd rather not mention that has caused alot of emotional stress, so maybe it's just I need him around me?

We have broken up 3 times, once because he wasn't sure if he was over his ex and ready to commit to a serious relationship and the other 2 times were because I left him due to the same thing that is happening now, we talked about the gay porn and he said it is something he fantasises about but would never want to act it out. We talked about the fact he doesn't spend time with me and he says he is just needs his space and a place to unwind and relax. We talked about making sure he was in love with me and over his ex and he said he was and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have children. He said watching me walk out the door for the 2nd time shattered him and he realised how much he loved me.

I don't like arguments and I tend to just grin and bear it and cry alone but I know I can only take so much, last time I left him he begged me to come back to him and that he would change, well he did, for 2 weeks, and I am sorry but I just cannot ask someone to change for me they have to want to change for themselves first or it will just be the same thing happening over and over again either that or they will end up resenting me.

BUT on saying all that and sounding like I am just a weak woman I do know what I want in a relationship and what I need and I know that I will not be able to take much more of this and I do forsee myself leaving him, and if I do it will be for GOOD, once I leave him I will not go back, no matter how much this aching ol heart of mine wants him back, he's shown he can and will never change but I'm just holding on a little bit longer for that "maybe he will". Not much longer though, I can't take it for much longer. I know there are plenty more guys out there but first I need to deal with this then get over it. I keep telling myself it's not love if it makes me cry more than it makes me smile, I know I'm right.

Oh boy, I've just read what I wrote and I sound so STUPID, don't I? allowing a guy to treat me like this and hurt me this many times and yet still go back to him. You all must think I am plain stupid! but hey your all right, I am stupid for allowing him to hurt me and I am stupid for almost telling him it's ok to do this to me. I guess maybe he will be the "first love that we all have and remember" he will be the one that stays tucked in the corner of my heart to look back on occasionally, the one I will think about when something reminds me of him then look into the eyes of someone who really cares for me and really loves me enough to want to show it and know that all those years ago I made the right choice when I decided to let go of him. Yes? Ahh love wasn't ment to be easy. I can do this, I know I can.

osouche: thank you and I hope things get better for you =) love to pm you.

Loulabelle : "sigh" if only it were that easy, I have on many times taken the initative to strip or just take what I want and he either mockingly laughs at me or tells me he's just too tired and I don't like to be intimate with someone who is not wanting it as much as I do. The times that we do make love are great and get better each time but they are so few and far between I am starting to feel like "fuck it I don't want to do this" they do say the longer you go without sex the less you want it.

darogle : your right I do have to sit him down and I will, just not sure when, I was going to give it 3 more months and then tell him it's just not a happening thing anymore, I hate hurting people!

bigbear : he is addicted and he knows it, not just to porn but the whole computer thing, I know it, he knows it. thanks for your thoughts.

belial and dm388 : yes I have tried to get him just out for a day and he says yes but when the day comes he's too tired, he did promise me he would go to counselling after I left him but now he says he has it under control. I know he doesn't. He thinks that the time he spends with me when he first comes home is good enough, all 15 minutes of it, half an hour if I am lucky. His sister suggested I just start going out without him and I think I might do just that.

whothe : aww I am sorry, I guess after a baby things can change but she should talk to you about it and express her thoughts and feelings on what she is going through emotionally and mentally so that maybe you can understand. Have you tried talking to her? I imagine you have, heh look at me the one with the problem trying to give advice and my love life sux! hope it works out for you.

Casper : lol, yes I do have a boyfriend, for how much longer I have no idea. believe me I have tried all the tricks to seducing and there is only so many knock backs a girl can handle as I am sure it is the same for guys, It's come to the point I am just about ready to give up! and thanks for the invite to melbourne who knows one day I may just make it down there, I can get a transfer from the real estate to there ;-). Got a spare room?

thanks all for your advice and thoughts, much appreciated =-)

[Lilith]

1st off Welcome Hobart....I love that name..was the name of the dough kneading machine at a pizza place I used to go when I was a kis;)

http://www.pixies-place.com:81/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15627~ story on sex addiction inclusing online encounters

[kittylicious]

wow that was a huge reply from me, sorry guys and girls =/
hobart1123 : lol thanks, i'll keep it in mind along with casper's offer lol

you all are wonderful people on here, how come I never discovered this site before? thanks again to all!

[Belial]

(((((((((((((kittylicious)))))))))))))))))

*enormous hugs* :)

He needs to be slapped into reality. I don't know what effect an ultimatum would have, but maybe.....look, I dunno. I'm sure you'll make the right decision :)

*hugs again*
Good luck :)

[Casperr]

Oh Katie hun! You're NOT STUPID!!!!! Oh hell no!! Most people would've done exactly the same in your position!!

LOTS of hugs, hun, for your loss and emotional stress recently.... hope everything brightens up soon!!!

hehe, I know it will actually - we're so glad you've found pixies! I'm sure you'll have heaps of fun here!! :)

Good luck with the bf!
CasperTG
PS - just remember I got my offer in first, ok! :)

[Steph]

Kitty, I can sort of identify with your b/f. I like to relax by myself once I finish work at midnight but I will spend some time with my b/f (he usually wants to be tucked in so I'll take a break from chat to do so, too). I can't understand how he can spend his days off on the computer all day, too, tho'. He must be addicted and needs help. Good luck and I agree with his sister - you should start going out without him if you want. Why should you stick around the house all day if you don't want to?


And welcome Hobart! I love that name, too!

[osuche]

Of course, you could always just "misplace" the computer for a few days and see what happens. Leave it with a friend or something...


hehehe, I've dreamed about doing that...

[babybunny]

Kitty~
My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel I really do. I know about the "love" thing and how it holds you to stay. If you ever need anyone to talk to my PM box is always open and I have various IM servers that we could talk over. I cant offer much advice as I really dont know what to do myself. But I have a shoulder to cry on and soft bunny hugs for kindred souls. If you lived near by I promise I would most definately take care of you as well.. ;)

[seriousfun]

Your BF, like most of us guys, is just being a guy - dense.

If he were to see through your eyes, he probably would not like what he sees, but to hear it from your mouth will register as nagging or controlling. A start would be to hear your perspective from someone else's mouth - a trusted friend or counselor. You might even hear some things from him that he can't voice, things you didn't expect.

If I ever act this way to a woman I care for, somebody smack me. I want her pussy too much for me to act in a way that doesn't create attraction for me.

I must say, at 25 IMO you are much too young to be so strung out for anyone. Trust me, there is someone else out there for you.

[Casperr]

Another thing I thought about Katie is possibly writing him a letter or - better stil, since he loves his computer so much - an email. Basically, just say what you did in your message to us. Let him know exactly how you're feeling....

And yeah, if you still don't see a reaction from him soon...... dump his arse unfortunately. :(

Then come down to melbourne and let me make you happy! teehee! :)

Just a thought!
Best of luck hun,
CasperTG

[kittylicious]

*grrrs at oneself* I replied to all you folks and instead of pressing submit I pressed reset.

steph : I too can understand wanting to unwind etc, I do it myself but for 10 hours? when he has someone here to love him and who wants to love him. *big sighs* I'd be happy if he just spent one of those hours with me and just lay in bed and held me, as for sex well I'd be happy just to be held at the moment. Yes I am going to start going out without him and enjoy it! thanks for your advice :)

osuche : hehe I too have thought about thing to do with his computer but you see we have 2 of them, his is brand new and in the study and mine in the bedroom (we both had one when we moved in together) I have often thought about accidently shorting his computer out "oops sorry honey but I accidently spilt my drink through the vents in the back of your harddrive, silly me" lol

babybunny : awww thanks :) hmm you would take care of me? am I think what your thinking? lol ;)

seriousfun : Yes I agree, if he were able to see through my eyes he would be scared of what he see's and he would see how unhappy I am. He knows how it makes me feel and he knows it upsets me and I know he feels guilty for that but obviously his addicted for those things is far more than his addiction for me *sob sob*. I don't think that 25 is that young to be hooked on someone, I do agree though that it's not a age where I would consider settling down forever with him and besides I'd never even get carried away with the thought of marriage etc with him whilst he is so into this, If I ever marry it will be because I know this person cares enough for me to want to spend time with me and show me they love me, it doesn't take much to do that. thanks :)

Casper : lol thank you and yeah I remember ;) He knows exactly how I feel, I've left him twice before because of it! Done the letters etc, done everything bar get him "electric shocked" lol thanks for the hugs and advice.

Well guys and girls thanks again for all the advice and hugs etc. It is good to get others thoughts although I guess I knew all along this just isn't right and I also know what is going to have to happen. I hate hurting and I hate hurting people but sometimes in life that's the way it is right?. Lets just hope that it doesn't come to that. Thanks again all :) PS if I didn't reply to anyone in here I am sorry, the brain tends to strain at night.

[Max_theHitMan]

Hello Kittylicious ((Big Hug)) I feel for you, I feel your pain.

This is my opinion, and my story.
First of all ,just so you know, I am a guy and I do love women, and it hurts me to see a lady crying over something like this.

I too have a very busy life-style. I work nights until early mornings.
I do love computers and spend 3 to 4 hours on it. But I also shut it down and live-life. I also paint, I am an artist. I also love to read, and write and travel alot. I also love to enjoy the nightlife as much as possible on my days off. I also love to make love, as much as I can make it happen.
So there is NO WAY that your "loved-one" can say he doesn´t feel anything for you, or worse, say he doesn´t have the time. That´s ALOT of bullshit. If you don´t love sex... then I guess your impotent! I sure hope for your sake that he is Not impotent!
But let´s get REALLY serious here... you have mentioned that, I quote you, "I actually think he is a bit confused sexually because alot of his porn is gay porn." Alright then, you have just found out his secret, most wanting, desires. I have read alot of books on the human-mind, psychology mostly. Ilove to see what makes people "tick" inside. One of the things I ave found out is that certain people tend to slowly balance their sexual desires (needs) towards the other way. Have you might consider that your boyfriend is slowly becoming gay? I am NOT kidding!
Í am not saying that you are not a desirable woman, I´m not. I am quite sure I could make you an hungry-wolf in sheeps clothing, that much I can say. You are a very active person, you have this sexual-drive inside of you. BUT your partner does not. He has got his mind on something else... he´s day dreaming.
I work late nights, and sleep in the mornings. Wake up and after lunch, I work again till 3 on the computer, in photoshop, either doing publicity for other companies, or moderating 4 other sites on the internet. I´m a very well known faker world-wide on the web sao it´s my little hobby apart from painting on canvas in real life also... but I always find the time to enjoy life and be with the person I love. I worship any woman that is with me, and will do anything to please her. Because I love to please. You have tried it with him too... but didn´t get a reaction from him. Over the years you have fought hard to make the relationship work, but it always comes to a stand still.
That is very bad, in my book (my opinion).
You must find someone who cares. Who cares about YOU. Someone who is willing to "listen" to you. Admire you, just for being YOU. Care about you and say to your eyes constantly "I need YOU". Someone to look at you and say this... here´s a movie monologue I dug up for you to read what I am trying to say...
As Good As It Gets (movie)
Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson)I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence", and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

I tell you that if a guy does not get turned on by a woman undressing in front of him... then there is a serious problem.
One trick you could always try (and it has been said here already) is try to seduce him. Slowly and carefully choosing the right seduction act, can turn things around. Send Him flowers at work. Buy him a cool-looking underwear and tell him to wear it for you. Seduce him with food. Go out to dinner more often. Go to the movies. Go to the beach more often. Find out by talking to him, what makes him "tick" sexually. What he loves, and what makes him turn on. Tell him what YOU want..what YOU need from him.
Remenber ALWAYS that no one is born with a field manual on how to behave with the opposite sex. No one is really quite sure about anything until you ask. You have to talk, you have to make those fantasies come true. Everyone is ALWAYS looking for somekind of a "fantasy". Either it be sexual or in the mind. make it come true. - Remenber that old movie with Kim Bassinger called "9 1/2 weeks"?? - ...we ALL have fantasies we would love to come true. One way to acomplish them is to "LIVE THEM", and not just be stuck in front of a computer. try to seduce that "lover" of your again. If that really does not work... I am really sorry to say... But it´s time to move on.
It hurts to have to leave. But there are many fish in the sea, remenber that also. Find your happiness and you´ll be happy for the rest of your life, otherwise you will end up an old maid, wondering why, and that life could have been much better.
These are my humble opinions, Iwish not to see you cry again.
Your much prettier when you light up the mornings with your sunshine-smile :)

[dicksbro]

Kitty, he doesn't realize how lucky he is to have a girl that enjoys being with him and wants to do so many things with him. I wish I had the magic answer, but you sound like a very special lady. Here's hoping everything works out for you. Hugs.

[GingerV]

Oh god, I don't know how I missed this one all week.

Kitty, I know exactly what you're going through. I lived almost exactly what you described. If I didn't know better, I'd be asking if it wasn't the same guy. So when I say this, it comes from knowledge. You're not stupid. Just from reading your posts, I can hazzard that you're articulate, insiteful, and honest...three things that rarely can be found in stupid people. You are having a hard enough time right now, please don't beat yourself up on top of it. You don't need it and you certainly don't deserve it.

As for the rest of it, well...my heart goes out to you. You've gotten great advice here, and it sounds like you're taking it at youor own pace. There's nothting else you can do.

I hope for a happy ending to the story, whichever way it goes. Still, in the meantime, do PM me if you want to chat.

[Wildeye]

I'd shag you stupid and love you, and honour you and hug you and write you poems and buy you sexy panties and draw pictures of you and make you a great meal and laugh with you and never get stressed when you shout and listen and listen and listen and hold you.

yup you sound gorgeous good luck

wildeye feeling kinda romantic, but hey i can be horny...

[Grumble]

Well katie I read this thread and had a tear or two for you.

Its so sad. I took to the computer because I was being ignored but if I had someone to come home to who wanted to make love and talk about the day, I would be sooo happy to do it.

Porn is no substitute for the real thing.

I would weigh my options very carefully because I can see heartache if you dont bring him around pretty quickly. I was soft soaped several times and in a month or two it was back to being as bad as before.

You wont change him, he has to want to change and he is in a comfort zone.

I dont like your chances very much but i wish you luck and you can chat on line or we could talk by phone if you would like to have a friendly ear.

Hugs
Grumble

[ryker]

I can only agree with what everyone else has been saying here, the guy needs the mental equivelent of a big bucket of ice water tipped over him.

I truly hope you can work things out, but don't try and hang on to a useless situation, i did once much to my regret.

Having said that, you may still be able to get things back on track.

As with the others, if you need to talk PM me and remember you have the support of the Pixies