Ignorance & not-caring rant!

[Irish]

Sorry to bother,you people with this,but I'm really pissed off.
Luckily,I don't handle things like I used too!As many of you know,
my youngest daughter is divorced.She has 2 sons,& the youngest
is Autistic.They live with her.The father,takes them on Wend.nights
& most Sundays.She has had the Autistic son on a diet,with no
wheat products or dairy.The father,has been told,MANY times,
about his dietary restrictions.Lately,he has been throwing tantrums,where he beats his head on the floor & screams.When my daughter stops the head beating,he bites his hand.He is closely monitored at school,and they have noticed that these out-
bursts are usually on a Mon or Thurs.The oldest son,finally told my
daughter,that his father has been feeding him,Doritos,etc.The
oldest son has even told the father,that his brother,shouldn't eat
them.Problem:If the outbursts,in school,are the day after the
father has had him,it's obviously,doing him damage.I don't under-
stand it.My wife even buys SPECIAL foods & snacks,just for him.
I don't want to interfere,but how can someone,have such little
reguard,for someone else? Irish

[Lilith]

Why can't he have Doritos? They are corn.....and ok per the GFCF diet.


http://www.gfcfdiet.com/Fastfoods.htm

[Lilith]

It is more likely that his behavioral changes are occuring because his father may not be supporting him in an ABA fashion like your daughter does.

[Lilith]

Does he sleep at his father's on those nights?

[IAKaraokeGirl]

As someone who had to keep milk, soy, wheat, peanut, and chocolate away from her daughter, I can understand your frustration, Irish. Unfortunately, as Lil has pointed out, in a situation like your daughter is in, there can be more than one explanation for the behavior. I hope things improve for all of you soon, no matter the cause.

[Irish]

Originally posted by Lilith
Does he sleep at his father's on those nights?
No,he has to bring him back to my daughters.He is living with a girlfriend now & also has another child with her. Irish

[Irish]

Originally posted by Lilith
Why can't he have Doritos? They are corn.....and ok per the GFCF diet.


http://www.gfcfdiet.com/Fastfoods.htm
To tell the truth,I'm not even sure if it is Doritos.This comes to me
third hand,& the names might not be right.One hand was his brother,& a 9yr old,doesn't know a Dorito from a Lays potato
chip!Sorry,I can't be more specific.I just can't comprehend,how a
father could care so little for his kid. Irish
P.S.Even if he's divorced from my daughter,they're still his kids!

[Lilith]

I know that your daughter is doing everything she can to give your grandson the best chance possible to recover skills and overcome the horrible complexities that surround Autism. I know this diet has been extremely helpful to some kids (most potato/cornchips are pretty much ok so it would be better if he ate nothing but chips at his dad's:spin: ). It's a shame that your former son in law seems to unravel much of the hard work being done.

[Loulabelle]

I don't know a lot about Autism, admitedly, but I do know that sufferers of the condition are often very easily unsettled by changes to their routine.

I would have thought that it's possible that your grandsons tantrums could be caused by the change to his routine rather than his diet when he's at his Dad's.

As a child of divorced parents, I know how easy it is for one parent to blame the other when things go wrong with the kids, but it's not always as black and white as you may think. You have no reason to believe that his father would sabotage your grandson's diet deliberately, and no actual proof that he has (as Lil points out, the things he's reportedly eating are ok for a wheat and dairy free diet) so perhaps you should be giving your ex son-in-law the benefit of the doubt, rather than jumping to conclusions before you know all the facts 1st hand.

[Irish]

lulabelle---He wouldn't sabatoge it deliberately!He just doesn't
care about anything,that doesn't concern him directly.I'm not
jumping to conclusionsThey were married,about 20yrs ago.I was against the marriage,because I thought that they were too young,but I thought that if you told me,something,at that age,I
would have done what I wanted anyway.I can't tell you everything,that has also occured,but,trust me,this isn't a snap
judgement.I'm not the type of person,to side with my daughter,
strictly because she's my daughter.Both of my kids,will tell you that! Irish

[Summer]

((((((((Irish)))))))))

[Teddy Bear]

Does the father ever go to the school to meet the teachers? Perhaps if he were invited to attend 'Open House' and spoke with them. Maybe the cause could be found.

[Irish]

The Autistic boy,has special handlers,all of the handlers & State
people,have been called & threatned by the father,so they pretty
much Know what he is like.This isn't the 50's or 60's.That doesn't
bother people anymore! Irish

[imaginewithme]

What a shame to act like that when it's your own flesh and blood. I am sorry for you and your family that you're having to deal with this "father". I hope everything gets situated soon.

hugs.

[Lilith]

LOL...the idea of behavior specialists as handlers, cause that basically is exactly what they are. Irish's wife and daughter are soooo on top of the situation, I am sure the ex won't cause any permanent damage just slow down progress. It's good to hear he is only stimming dangerously on the rare occasion now for so many it's a constant problem.

[LixyChick]

This comment doesn't concern autistic children necessarily, but a lot of children from broken homes who visit one parent then come home to the other. I hear about this behavior all the time...from the parent which the child primarily lives with. "Johnny went to see his father last week and it'll take me two weeks to get him to calm down and behave properly again...and then he's off to his father's again". That's just an arbitrary example...and NOT meant to infer that all father's suck at visitation. Please don't take it any other way! But, it seems it's not uncommon for children to "change" their behavior just after a visit away from their primary caretaker. Children "act out" in many different ways and are usually unable to voice why they do what they do. Matter of fact, they usually don't see their behavior as different or bad. Or...they just say that they wish things were different.

I know that austistic children act out in different ways...but somewhere deep inside your grandson, Irish, is a little boy trying to show you something. It could very well be a reaction to his diet, but has anyone ever thought that maybe your grandson enjoys his time so much with his father and he'd like to spend MORE time with him? Could that be a possibility? Why do you assume the worst? His actions could be your granson's way of telling you all that he loves being with his daddy! Stranger things have happened!!!!

Just a thought hun! I wish you and your family the very best!

[Loulabelle]

LixyChick.....you've hit on something I think.

The one thing I remember from my childhood, as a 'normal' child from a broken home, was that it was always very awkward and uncomfortable coming home from a weekend at my Dad's house.

My Mother would often comment that my sister and I were really difficult to deal with after being at my Dad's house and it was often the time we would have arguments with her.

One of the things I remember being particularly difficult was that if we came back on a Sunday night from my Dad's having had a great weekend my Mum would make us feel bad for having enjoyed ourselves (e.g.'yeah yeah, your father does one little thing and he thinks that's enough, I do all the rest of the stuff and no-one ever appreciates it'). But if we came back having had a bad weekend, or we tried to play down when something good happened we would get my Mum ranting and raving that my Father was so bad and never did anything with us etc.

As children, we learnt very quickly therefore to come in on a Sunday night, go straight upstairs and not communicate with our Mum or Stepdad at all that night. As you can imagine that too, went down badly with my Mum but it seemed to us to be the only thing we could do.

As Lixy says, perhaps your grandson's behaviour is something along these lines..... a way to deal with the strange transitional period between being at one family's house and then being at the other.

Adults often don't realise how difficult it can be for children to have to fit in naturally to two different households where often the rules are all very different and the children are expected to act equally at home in each house.

In these situations, often the only constant is in fact the child's siblings (they are there in both houses and are having the same family experience) so I'd suggest it's also possible that your grandson could be picking up on tension from his elder brother.

People seem to forget that siblings play as much of a role in the upbringing of a child as the parents do, and, dare I say it, in divorced families sometimes more. If I were you I'd be talking to the nine year old about what it's like going to his Dad's, what things are different, how it makes him feel when he comes back, and you'll get an inkling as to what might also be going on deep inside the youngest's head. I know I wish someone had asked those questions to me when I was that age, but they were all too busy trying to get through their own problems and hang-ups to think about the little things that make a difference to children's lives like how the dishwasher is stacked differently in one house to the other and how in one house you're expected to do chores, and how you're not in the other.......those everyday things make a difference to kids.

Oops, I think this has turned into a bit of a rant about how divorced can mess with children's heads! Sorry.

[LixyChick]

((((((Loulabelle))))))

EXACTLY! Excellent analogy about the dishwasher and the chores! And...it could be ANYTHING. Not necessarily food...but anything! The crayons are newer...or the colors are better. The pillow is fluffier...or on the other hand, if it turns out he hates it at dad's, the pillow might suck and he wished he never had to use it again. A combination of good things vs. bad things at each respective home. Best bet is to talk with the older boy and ask questions, but don't make him feel like he'll be in trouble if he "rats" out dad!

And, again...it could be his diet. But I suspect (just a feeling I have from personal experience...similar to Loulabelle's experience) it goes deeper.

[wyndhy]

Originally posted by Irish

I don't want to interfere,but how can someone,have such little
reguard,for someone else? Irish

cause some people are just that stupid! :D (sorry had to lighten the mood a bit)

and Irish...she's your daughter, anyhting that affects her life is your business for as long as she lives, and when it's 'your business'--you can't call it interfering. I have a very close friend who directs all the autistic schooling and state suppervised care for her county. she is very knowledgeable about the desease and has lots of resources at her fingertips. if you'd like me to, i could ask her any question you may have, or even put you in contact if you wish. (although lil did say that your daughter is very knowledgable as well so maybe you don't need it...please feel free to ask though)

good luck

[Irish]

wyndhy---Thanks but my daughter & wife belong to many Autism
websites,etc.I didn't realise that there were so many stages of
autism,until I watched a show,on TV,one night.They had 2 boys,
about the same age,different familys,but they were completley
different in their development.My female cousin,in Conn,has an
(approx)21/22 yr old daughter,that has had autism,all of her life.
My cousin & her husband,have had to plan everything that they
did together,around her!It takes alot of devotion! Irish
P.S.There was a movie with Bruce Willis,(I think that it was "Murcury Rising" that had an autistic boy in it.Unless you had
alot of contact,with autism,you wouldn't notice,how many
mannerisms were correct!

[Irish]

For those interested,my wife told me,that my daughter,is putting
him,on a "clean-out" different type of diet & program,this summer.
She is doing it with him so that she will feel what his system does!
So far,I know nothing about it,except that it's something that she
wants to try with him! Irish