I need your advice

[thisisnotme]

Hi. I really need some feedback on a situation that is potentially unhealthy, before I take it any further.

My girlfriend has a guy friend that she talks about openly. He's made no secret of how he feels about her, and up until now she has told me he's just an intellectual and fun person to talk with. I'm fine with that although I had my suspicions that she likes him in more ways than that.

The thing that is eating me up is that she is now showing him naked photos of herself. That's not what's bugging me, because she's shown lots of people those photos. The difference is she hasn't known those people.

She didn't exactly tell the story how I've seen it either which is also bugging me. I'm not stupid, and this isn't something I'm misconstruing either, but I really feel like she's stepping over a boundary here. I haven't said anything to her because I'm worried that I'm just being jealous and stupid.

I'd really appreciate your thoughts and any questions you may have.

~tim

[osuche]

I'd tell her how you feel ~ openly and honestly. Without accusations. See how she responds...which will tell you a lot.

[Lilith]

If you feel she's stepping over a boundary then you need to make sure you have communicated where you feel the boundaries need to be. If you are acting like it all ok then what else is she to think. Talk to her, openly, honestly, without blame, or criticism, just talk.

[cowgirltease]

Sorry but I think you're sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.
Ok let me rephrase this........ Are you not looking at pics here? I think so. So what's the difference? Does she know you come here? Do you hide it from her? At least she wasn't trying to hide it from YOU!
Maybe you aren't giving her the reassurance she needs.

[thisisnotme]

If you feel she's stepping over a boundary then you need to make sure you have communicated where you feel the boundaries need to be. If you are acting like it all ok then what else is she to think. Talk to her, openly, honestly, without blame, or criticism, just talk.

She doesn't know that I know, or at least she hasn't figured out I know as much as I do.

I don't know if I'm being silly about the boundary though. It just seems to me that their friendship is now leaving the guidelines of a typical friendship now and entering something else.

[thisisnotme]

I'd tell her how you feel ~ openly and honestly. Without accusations. See how she responds...which will tell you a lot.

That's good advice, thank you. We haven't really had any issues with talking to each other before. I don't know if I'm being over sensitive though, so if I can avoid making myself look like a total ass, I'd prefer it. I avoided telling her that tonight when we were talking because I felt petty and small. I don't know why this is eating me up so much. I mean, I don't think she'd go after him, but it just seems weird to me that she would be going down this path with someone she's only known a few months and talks with daily.

I guess on some level I feel threatened.

[thisisnotme]

Sorry but I think you're sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.

That's what I'm afraid of. It just feels wrong to me that she is progressing their friendship down this particular path. Even more so since we're due to be married next year.

I appreciate your feedback though, very much.

[cowgirltease]

That's what I'm afraid of. It just feels wrong to me that she is progressing their friendship down this particular path. Even more so since we're due to be married next year.

I appreciate your feedback though, very much.

I edited my post above....... Go look. Ever cross you mind that maybe just maybe you make her feel comfortable enough to tell you things like that and you just wanna make a mountain out of a mole hill? Do you want her to feel ashamed of her body? Aren't you proud of what you got? Dammit listen to what she says and make her feel comfortable with it. I promise you will reap the rewards.

[cowgirltease]

Darlin I just seen how old you are. You got a lot to learn about women.
1. Women do not like insecure men. It's a turnoff. So stop it already.
2. Consider yourself very lucky to have a woman that will open up to you like that and treat her with respect not suspicion.

[thisisnotme]

I edited my post above....... Go look. Ever cross you mind that maybe just maybe you make her feel comfortable enough to tell you things like that and you just wanna make a mountain out of a mole hill? Do you want her to feel ashamed of her body? Aren't you proud of what you got? Dammit listen to what she says and make her feel comfortable with it. I promise you will reap the rewards.

Her pictures are here. It wasn't until I looked again that I saw his comments that alerted me that she invited him here. I think it's the invitation part that is annoying me. I'm very proud of her body and how she looks, and while you're probably right and I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, I guess I'm just not sure what sort of friendship she really has with him now.

[Belial]

I agree with CGT and osuche. Remind yourself of who she's going to marry - you, not him. If she was doing this to cheat I doubt she'd have gone about things in this way. Have a friendly - and I emphasise friendly - chat like osuche said, and I'm sure you'll find it's nothing. You're never going to definitively know if your partner is "crossing boundaries" as you put it unless you monitor her 24/7. You just have to trust her and communicate. Good luck :)

[thisisnotme]

I agree with CGT and osuche. Remind yourself of who she's going to marry - you, not him. If she was doing this to cheat I doubt she'd have gone about things in this way. Have a friendly - and I emphasise friendly - chat like osuche said, and I'm sure you'll find it's nothing. You're never going to definitively know if your partner is "crossing boundaries" as you put it unless you monitor her 24/7. You just have to trust her and communicate. Good luck :)

Thank you for that. Sometimes I just can't trust myself to think straight.

[Lilith]

Her pictures are here.

So did you post this here hoping she would see this or hoping she would not?

[thisisnotme]

So did you post this here hoping she would see this or hoping she would not?

She won't see it. Thisisnotme really isn't me, but I felt justified enough in creating the account so that I could ask advice, now and in the future. I've seen so many wise words from the many people here before, not to listen when I have my own issue. I just didn't feel comfortable revealing this through my "normal" account, or risk that she would read this before we have spoken.

[Belial]

She won't see it. Thisisnotme really isn't me, but I felt justified enough in creating the account so that I could ask advice, now and in the future. I've seen so many wise words from the many people here before, not to listen when I have my own issue. I just didn't feel comfortable revealing this through my "normal" account, or risk that she would read this before we have spoken.

Will she not recognize the situation spoken of in your messages?

[thisisnotme]

Will she not recognize the situation spoken of in your messages?

I really don't know. I left a lot of details out that would make it specific. It was a tough call, but I didn't know where else to turn.

[scotzoidman]

Ok, I need some aspirin & a scorecard now ;)

[thisisnotme]

Thanks to all for your advice and thoughts. I still feel eaten up by this but I can also see the futility of the situation. It was her decision to let him in, and even if she agreed that a boundary was crossed there's no way of undoing it thus far. So I'll let sleeping dogs lay and simply ask not to be informed of anything else about him. It's not an ideal solution but it will allow her to have her fun, and I won't have to feel tormented.

Thanks again.

~Tim

[cowgirltease]

Hey guess what?..... Pegasusx62's hubby has seen pics of me. I invited them both to pixies. I even spent the nite with them last nite on my way home from Darogles house and he's not going all freaky on me.

TRUST baby, TRUST. :)

[WildIrish]

"Wow...this sure sounds like my fiance, but it says right here "this is not me"."

:D


Regardless of the intent, subliminal or not, your post asks if it's ok to express your concerns about her inviting a friend to Pixies where he can see her pictures. It's ok with some of us. It's not ok with others. What really matters is what she thinks. If you two are getting married, you should be able to discuss things like this with each other. Discuss your concerns, your fears of what might happen. If it turns you on...discuss that too. Communicate with her.

[maddy]

^^^ wise guy! and i sincerely mean that. While for one person or couple it might be okay to share your photos openly with others, for another person/couple it may not be. That's the beauty of communication and understanding your partner :)

[Grumble]

I think that you know what there is to lose so that is why you are asking advice. It is good to have the ideas of others to make sure you have some sort of balance with what is in your mind.

For mine, I would talk to her about it but in a non confronting way. Communication and trust are vital ingredients in any relationship so you need to get these issues sorted and settle down. Best of luck

[thisisnotme]

More to this, after further analyzing myself, is the thing that bothers me about it is that she has always been quick to express how they're just friends and she likes him because he's fun to talk to. That's fine. He's made no secret about how much he likes her and I'm sure she crushes on him, so it just strikes me as odd that friends don't normally start swapping naked pictures of themselves when their relationship is based on "being fun to talk to." At least no friendships I've ever known or been involved in. I really think she is either sending out the wrong signals to him, or not being honest with me about their relationship. It's that simple in the end I guess.

[WildIrish]

I've seen some of my best friends naked...but then again, I saw them naked before we became friends.

This friend of hers is obviously located near to where you guys are. I'd be uncomfortable with her decision to invite him to see her pictures. Upon discovery, I would've expressed my discomfort to her and mention that I would've appreciated the opportunity to discuss it with her first. As to mixed signals or misleading statements...can't help you there. You either trust her or you don't. That's your call.

[osuche]

You mentioned that you plan to ask her not to talk about him around you. That would be a *big* signal to me (if I were her) that you had a problem. If I were your girlfriend, I would rather you do me the courtesy of talking to me about it openly. Passive-aggressive attitudes (and that's how I'd perceive it) tend to turn me off considerably.

IMHO, telling her openly says "strong, confident man" to me...which is good. Stewing about it and saying snipey things about the guy says "insecure and jealous." Which one would you rather be?

What's the worst that could happen? Your fears be confirmed? Wouldn't you rather know sooner than later if it is true -- that she likes him? I know I would.

[Aqua]

I would not be comfortable with her inviting a 'friend' to view her pics if she did so without sharing this with you. But ignoring it will not make it better. You need to discuss this with her and state your feelings. How much would you be willing to 'look the other way' on to keep her? Would you turn a blind eye to her sleeping with him? If she has designs on another guy, you can't make her stay with you. Talk to her.

[cowgirltease]

"Wow...this sure sounds like my fiance, but it says right here "this is not me"."

:D


Regardless of the intent, subliminal or not, your post asks if it's ok to express your concerns about her inviting a friend to Pixies where he can see her pictures. It's ok with some of us. It's not ok with others. What really matters is what she thinks. If you two are getting married, you should be able to discuss things like this with each other. Discuss your concerns, your fears of what might happen. If it turns you on...discuss that too. Communicate with her.

Exactly! You should have been doing that already! She IS trying to communicate with you.

[rabbit]

What Osuche and Lilith said....

[imaginewithme]

Hey, is this my husband writing these???? :devil:

Like all the others have said, communication is the best medicine.

[Mark Vieth]

Fist up, if it were my g/f and she were doing this sort of swapping pics with "friends" I would be raising eyebrows and asking a lot of questions. If need be, I'd ask the tough ones like "are you sleeping with him, has he hit on you?" etc. Also if it continues and she is seeing more of him instead of you, then I would be more inclined to either tell him to stop sniffing around or knock him out.

Now I know it goes into the cliche of the jealous b/f area, but there is a line that can never be crossed in particular by her. If she crosses that line then sayonara to her. If she doesn't, but plays a very dangerous game then you have to start thinking is the r/ship worth it?

So you are between a rock and a hard place. Well I know what I would do. If I was you and she first came to me and said "is it cool if I show some guy some pics of me naked?" I would give a very stern "NO". It's just not on. I don't know maybe it's just me, but that is how I would handle it. Then if he came over I would give him the boot up the backside and tell him never to come over again. Simple as that.

[Oldfart]

thisisnotme,

What was the outcome, if any, of this situation?

Just curious.

[Mark Vieth]

I'm with oldfart on this as well.
What is the outcome?

[cowgirltease]

Fist up, if it were my g/f and she were doing this sort of swapping pics with "friends" I would be raising eyebrows and asking a lot of questions. If need be, I'd ask the tough ones like "are you sleeping with him, has he hit on you?" etc. Also if it continues and she is seeing more of him instead of you, then I would be more inclined to either tell him to stop sniffing around or knock him out.

Now I know it goes into the cliche of the jealous b/f area, but there is a line that can never be crossed in particular by her. If she crosses that line then sayonara to her. If she doesn't, but plays a very dangerous game then you have to start thinking is the r/ship worth it?

So you are between a rock and a hard place. Well I know what I would do. If I was you and she first came to me and said "is it cool if I show some guy some pics of me naked?" I would give a very stern "NO". It's just not on. I don't know maybe it's just me, but that is how I would handle it. Then if he came over I would give him the boot up the backside and tell him never to come over again. Simple as that.
I hate to tell you this but I do it all the time.:p
My boyfriend KNOWS who I come home to everyday.

[cherrypie7788]

My boyfriend KNOWS who I come home to everyday

And the person you go home to is the only one that matters in the end :) But I can see the other side of this too. I guess I'd have to be in that position to know what to tell you..

[Doxis]

I'd be ticked, and I know she would be too if the tables were turned

it's one thing to show off for strangers, but it's another to specifically ask some guy/girl who has shown that he's interested in her as more than just a friend and what not pictures of yourself, I think he has ever right in the world to be suspicious

it's like,
"hey wanna go out, your damn hot and I want you"
"naw I have a boyfriend but if ya want go to this site and see me naked"

something about that just doesn't settle right with me

[cowgirltease]

The tables HAVE been turned on me before. SO WHAT? Why should I be jealous?
It builds up his self esteem. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's to my advantage in bed.:)