Should sexless Marriages open the door?

[billysworld]

If you were in a sexless marriage would you find it from someone else?
And, if you were the one not giving the sex in your marriage would you allow, or look the other way if your spouce took a lover?

[BIBI]

I believe that there are far too many reasons for a marriage to become sexless and each case would have to depend on the reason and the discussion between the partners.

[billysworld]

Ok, thanks for responding.
What it is only because one partner did not WANT sex any more?
I realize that several issues can contribute. Depression, finances, loss of someone.. a variety of reasons.. so lets just say that the reason is that one party of the marriage just is no longer interested in sex.

[billysworld]

Oh, and no.. I am not in one. I was just discussing it with someone and thought I would ask the board what they thought. :)

[maddy]

billysworld, this sounds personal - and i think if you are looking for validation. It's not fair to ask for it here where we only get the benefit of knowing what you are willing to share rather than the whole story from both members of the relationship. Follow your heart and do what you believe to be right.

If I'm incorrect, I apologize for being so presumptious. But as BIBI said, the circumstances of the situation are bound to be unique and communication is essential.

[osuche]

If one person weren't interested at all...and were unwilling even though they knoew their partner *needed* sex...I would tend to believe that sexless partner were somewhat selfish.

Personally, I would tend to advocate discussing the situation and coming to an understanding...either (1) sexless partner compromises by having some sex becauses/he loves the other party and wants to make them happy, or (2) sexless partner agrees to allow mate to find a substitute, or (3) they decide to get divorced.

I think making the decision without a discussion is a BAD idea.

[billysworld]

You are incorrect. this is not one of those "I have a friend" things at all. I was discussing it with someone who expressed to me that they are in one. I thought I would put it out there for discussion.
No reason to apologize to me at all, you are simply mistaken in reading into it.
I can't be in a sexless marriage since I am not married. I am however in a very sexful singles life.
Lets please not read into what was not written.
Thanks :)

[billysworld]

osuche,
Very good post. I do agree that discussion needs to take place. I agree that it is selfish of one partner to expect the other to understand and not have "needs" based on thier mood or lack of interest.

[Tigerlily78]

Billysworld isn't making it up, he was talking to me

[billysworld]

Tigerlilly,
I wasn't going to out you. But thank you for posting :) You're a Doll.

[billysworld]

OOps. I mean Tigerlily. Sorry for the typo.

[osuche]

(((((Tigerlily)))))

Having been there myself....not that long ago....I'd advocate having a discussion with your mate about it. Work out a solution that seems best for you both, or try some ideas out together. First I think you have to understand whether you're committed to staying with your partner and whether the relationship is worth working on.

Personally, I've found my sex drive is much higher than my husband's. This means that there are some nights I end up masturbating while he is asleep beside me. However, I've also learned -- through talking to him -- that romance is more important to him. If he *knows* he's going to have me several hours later, and I give him a scenario to dream about...he'll be hot and ready for me. I've also found that if I can get him to have sex two days in a row his libido starts to kick in and I often can get a several day stretch going. :) Most of all, I learned to tune in. Sex is something I'm almost *always* interested in (unless I have to pee), but for him it's more of a mental exercise.

[Tigerlily78]

Having had those conversations repeatedly and to no avail, I choose to make do with what I've got... a handful of toys and a computer

[Lilith]

Is this a sexless marriage or a loveless one? If your spouse is unable to perform for whatever reasons (be they emotional or physical) that is one thing but if they consciously choose not to despite knowing you need it then sex is the least of your problems. There is no justification for going behind someone's back. If sex is the only issue then that can be resolved (by a doctor, by agreeing to a open relationship, by a therapist, etc.) but I have a feeling it's way deeper than that.

[Fangtasia]

For me personally

Cheating is cheating...no matter what the reason

We'd either discuss an open relationship or get divorced

[Cheyanne]

For me personally

Cheating is cheating...no matter what the reason

We'd either discuss an open relationship or get divorced


My thoughts exactly!

[WildIrish]

I've often stated that sex is a good barometer for a relationship. If issues arise in a relationship, one partner or the other doesn't feel that enthusiastic about climbing into bed and having tender emotional or rip-roaring break the bed sex. Work is needed outside of the bedroom and the only way to do that is through honest and good communication. Odds are, you already know what the reason is as to why they don't want sex, but if you don't...ask. You're half of the couple and if sex is important to you, then you are at least due a conversation about why it's not important to them.

Is this a recent development or has it been this way from the start?

[Tigerlily78]

It is not loveless, it is sexless. And there has been no cheating, nor do I expect there to be in the future. And the issues are almost purely psychological

[Tigerlily78]

And the issues started about 2 months into the relationship, before that, it was 3 times a day.... then his ex's stepfather called to say that she was 5 months pregnant

[WildIrish]

And the issues started about 2 months into the relationship, before that, it was 3 times a day.... then his ex's stepfather called to say that she was 5 months pregnant


With his baby? Besides all the financial and custodial issues, that could've brought back a flood of memories of good times & bad that he is having a tough time dealing with.

Not his baby? Maybe he's thinking about what went wrong with the marriage and realizing that he was more comfortable being divorced because she was alone.

I may be waaaaaaaaay off track here, but I'm not working with much info. Not that all the facts would help me. I'm a goofball, don't forget. lmfao

[Loulabelle]

About 2 months into the relationship is not long at all.....I'd be thinking, any issues with an ex that causes such a negative effect on the current relationship, must be issues that should have been dealt with before the new relationship started. I'd be heading for the door saying, call me when you've sorted your head out.

As I suspected as I read this thread, and as Lil pointed out, the lack of sex is the least of your worries in this situation. You need to examine why on earth the activities of his ex are continuing to have such a strong effect on him.

[lazaruslong]

I can relate to this problem myself. However, going from what im reading, it is the opposite for me and mine. I am the sexless partner. (due to a medical problem)

The wife claims that toy and fingers are enough and seems to be serious. I know there will be no cheating due to her religious scruples. (Morman)

I love her to death and am trying different ideas for a solution, however to no avail so far.

Its not fun nor is it easy to post this. But I can definately relate and would be willing to discuse this Tigerlily if you feel like chatting.

[Tigerlily78]

To clarify... this child will be 6 in May....it has been almost six years since the bomb dropped and the sex never recovered. He makes comments like he wants to have sex sometimes, but will back off if I take him up on it. He's got his hands up my shirt a great deal of the time, but it had gotten to the point where it just annoys me... it's like that joke about mad cow disease...you'd be mad too if someone played with your tits everyday but only fucked you once a year.

[flutelady]

I've done the sexless and loveless marriage thing. It lasted for 29 years until enough was enough and the circumstances were such that it was definitely time for me to leave. Yes, I did cheat on him and I don't feel guilty about it because by the time I stepped out, we were beyond done.

The reasons for how I timed things are, of course, unique to my situation and far from simple.

[Cobalt]

bump! :(

[Oldfart]

Was that a bump or a thud?

[Cobalt]

:( :mad: :ranting:

[Tigerlily78]

Well, it's been almost a year and a half... and I finally did.

[osuche]

And? How do you feel?

[Tigerlily78]

I feel good. It was a guy I hooked up with a couple times before I met my husband. The sex was great and his attitude was fantastic. I actually felt like a sexual person for the first time in years. And it really clarified to me that my marriage has been over for more than a year, I just wasn't really admitting it.