What's A Woman To Do?

[BrightEyes]

I have a bit of a problem and I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out what to do about it.

I'm tired of trying to come up with an answer on my own, so I thought I would ask for some advice here on the boards...

Here's the situation.....

I've known a man for four years via the net and have not met him yet. We started out talking to one another via Yahoo! Chat and the relationship progressed into phone calls and phone sex, hot and steamy e-mails, you get my meaning here....

He's married, in the military, and is everything I like about a man...I think the main reason I won't go and see him is because he is married.... The other reason being because I'm afraid I'll fall madly in love with him despite the fact I have no interest in falling in love or having a relationship with him other than being friends and lovers, and I know deep inside I could keep it at that level, but I'm afraid I'll end up falling for him big time too......

ARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH...what should I do? Part of me wants to be with him soooo badly while the other part of me doesn't want to because I feel guilty about being the "other" woman......

Any advice is appreciated...

~Bright~

[rodeoman]

Bright eyes

I just want you to know that I was kind of in your position and I meet the women and we are now together. I am in the military and I was married but a rocky one. my EX was cheeting on me while I was gone TDY. when I found out I went looking for it somewhere else also. We got divorce shortly after that. I meet a girl on the net in my same hometown and we hooked up about 2 months of talking and we are living together now. I have been with her for 2 years now and I LOVE IT. I guess my first advice for you is to see if he thinks his marrage is going to last if not tell him to get a divorce (NOT BECAUSE OF YOU) but cause he wants one and then go from their. I hope that you get what you want. GOOD LUCK

AIM HIGH

(lol) airforce here what branch is your friend in?

just wondering.

good luck I hope I helped you a little bit. but I tend to ramble LOL.

:)

[MrCuriousUSA]

Howdy Ms. BrightEyes-

It is so hard to judge what is the right thing to do when you find yourself falling for someone online and by phone.

I fell for a lady 1000 miles from my home that I met through an online forum and she said it was mutual. Long story fairly short- she hid a lot of negative stuff about herself from me that came out during the few months after I paid for her to move here. I ended up spending a lot more than I could really afford travelling, moving her here, (then back!,) and mostly supporting her financially for that time period. I even found out that while we
were supposed to be preparing to get married, she slept a couple of times with a previous boy friend, and several times here in my home town with a guy I knew that I introduced to her! In spite of the bad ending, even though I could sure use that money,
I don't really regret this "expensive experience," I had enough enjoyment and learned enough I can be content. It would not have been acceptable to me if either one of us had broken up a marriage by our brief connection.

Even if the person on the other end of the phone and Web from you doesn't directly lie to you, just not knowing all the truth can be pretty hazardous.

I completely agree with "rodeoman" that you can better decide your best move when you determine if the guy really wants to get out of his marriage, even if you two don't get together. Frankly, I'm sure you know you can't trust most guys saying they will get a divorce to be with a new lover. If you don't want to be any part of breaking up a marriage, he'd better file those papers before you let him pull you into it further.

Cyber relationships can turn in to lifetime loves. I know a few successful couples, and, frankly, I'm back on the singles forums looking again. I haven't flipped for anyone recently, but I've had some nice dates with ladies a LOT LESS than 1000 miles away! VBG ( I must admit, one lady I'm starting to really like is about 400 miles away! Even in Texas, that's a pretty long drive for a date!)

Geez, it's been years since I was involved in doing counselling, but I keep getting carried away when I reply to folks with problems that I've had dealings with. Sorry this is so long.

Please keep your "eyes wide open," and take good care of yourself. RW- MrCuriousUSA

[BrightEyes]

Thanks for the advice MrCurious and Rodeoman, but I"m still confused!

See gentlemen....here's the deal....the guilt issue of me being some man's mistress is the thing that is bothering me the most. I know it's wrong to feel this way and to act upon it, but for some odd reason the thrill from the whole thing is such a rush, and if he's not happy and is not getting any sexual satisfaction from his wife....well then....you know...besides, I haven't had sex in seven years(long story)and well.....despite of him being married I want it to be him I end up being with sexually....

I've never asked him if he ever thought about divorcing his wife. I guess I never asked because I truly don't and didn't care. I figure if he asks my opinion about it I will tell him.....he's a grown man, he makes his own decisions.....

I was totally upfront and blunt to the point with him about me not BEING the REASON or PERSON who ends up breaking up his marriage, but I was also upfront with him about when we do meet what happens if we end up falling for one another...then what? He knows I desire no such relationship with him other than being friends and lovers, and I guess his question to me was what blew my mind...he asked me this one question right here..."What if I end up wanting to see you more and don't divorce my wife, would you want that?" I haven't answered him back yet......because I don't know what I want.....

Rodeo to answer your question........he's in the Navy....

[John_L]

Bright Eyes,
Though not oft to to be enquired of, you may have the answer hidden away within your own heart. The quest may not be one of love but of your own opinions that must be done.

A query or two I do have for you. Most forward of them is your attitude on love and sexuality. Are you able to not only love a person you are not intimate with as well as be intimate with one you do not love? If you do not answer yes whole heartedly to both, my suggestion would be to find one you can have all to yourself. Tiss best not to break your heart when you cannot have that which you desire most. My second query is are you at all jealous? If you could not stand to watch the object of your lust sating himself with his wife I would once again strongly urge you not to meet with him. The thought of him with another woman could be a very great pain for you.

As he is worried that he may fall for you, you must discover if he is of a like heart as you on these same issues. In all, making sure the two of you are compatable as lovers and as friends will be paramount if the two of you decide to go ahead with a relationship.

There are a few issues that you may also need to consider. Being in the Navy, he does risk much if he is to have an affair with you. The law as it applies to him is not the same as it is for you. Were the two of you to be discovered, he would risk prosecution under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, somehthing you needn't fear. Also being in the service he cannot control where he will be nor how long he will be there. For you this can be a great concern for he could be sent half way around the world on a moments notice. He could also be kept away for years.

The last issue you must consider is how being with him will affect your own romantic desires. Would he be willing to give you up were you to find another amour? Would he be understanding if you find your knight in shining armour? Will you be holding yourself back from your own desires and goals if you are to be with him?

For some, the thrill of a clandestine relationship is worth it. For some knowing the object of their lust is "Taken" adds to their satisfaction. For some such a mutual arrangement work well. It is the cases where it does not that cause me to bring words of caution.

In all, I wish for you to enter such an arrangement with eyes open and heart strong. I also wish for you to avoid such an arrangement should you decide it is not what you wish. As you are the one who is asking I share my councel in the desire that you will be happy and will chose that which shall bring you the greatest joy. My concern is that you would let your heart lead you into something that would bring you pain. My writings will hopefully temper your desire until after your mind has reasoned through your wishes. At that time, with your mind in agreement, I hope you can follow your heart to happieness.

[BrightEyes]

John_L:

You have given me a lot to think about.

Being a legal professional myself I have a complete and total understaning about military law and how it differs from civilian law. Also I have an understanding about how long he can be gone, and how he has no control over how long he could be gone or where he could end up stationed at, as my father and my uncle both were Officers in the Air Force.

I would never wish him to lose or risk his military career or rank for me because I do understand the fact that he may lose rank or be discharged from the Navy, but it's all about taking that risk. I seem to think if he's willing to meet with me and have an affair with me then he assumes the knowledge and responsibility of what he may lose. Thus the hesitation of meeting with him.

To answer your questions.....

Yes, I can love a person I have not or am not intimate with, and yes, I can be intimate with someone I don't love as I have done it before.

To answer your question about being jealous of his wife..... No, I am not jealous of her. I am not saying I couldn't or wouldn't become jealous of her because I'm well aware of the fact I could become jealous of her, but I'm basing this answer upon the fact I have not met him face to face, eye to eye, and it all could end up being totally different if we do meet. Do you understand what I mean?

What I do have with him right now(the phone, e-mail, snail mail, etc)all may change once we do lay eyes on one another. It's a huge game of risk, but I'm not certain I could stand asking myself the universal question of "what if".

Finally... I tend to think he he would be understanding if I found someone else because he does encourage me to date other men, but I have no interest in doing so right now.

Maybe I ought to just meet him in a public place instead of having him over for dinner at my house. Then again, it may not matter where we end up meeting at we probably would end up leaving with one another anyways...........

~Bright~

[Pussy Willow]

I would be crushed if I found out my husband was cheating on
me. That would include seeing (dating) another woman.

You don't have to be having sex to be cheating.

I'm seeing this from the side of the wife.

Also, it's no great shakes being the "other woman" either.
Unless he decides to divorce his wife he can never really be
yours, and if he does, do you want to be responsible for that ?

I say, leave it alone. It will only lead to heartache for you !!!

[Fang]

Bright Eyes... you can do better than just be a married man's booty call (or email).

I'm married and I'm no angel. It's damned hard for men to be 100% faithful, even to women we love more than life. Infidelity is preternaturally hard-wired into our hunter-gatherer concsiousnesses. We can do our best to resist the temptations though. No matter how good that hot blond who works the counter at Starbucks looks, I would never cheat on my wife. I might stroke off to her a few times, but that's just about as far as I'd take it.

If I did cheat on my wife, I would not ask my mistress to continue being a mistress while I stayed with my wife. A man (or woman) has emotional responsibilities to those involved with him (her). My mother taught me the golden rule as a child and it applies universally. Hard to speculate I know, but how would your man do if the shoe were on the other foot? Would you put him in the position he's put you?

It sounds like you have developed feelings that are beyond your control. Your actions however, are never beyond your control. Do what is best for you. If it's sex you need, you can find that anywhere. Trust me. Not to be rude, but even really ugly women can find it if they look hard enough. You sound like a really sweet, thoughtful woman. I'm sure there are guys out there that would love to get know you both on a human level and a biblical level, if you get my drift.

I know it would be hard, but I would have to end the relationship with this man. Neil Sedaka was right, breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes doing the right thing is also the hardest thing. Do what is right for you.

I hope my advice helps.

-A man who truly loves his wife

[Oldfart]

BrightEyes

An ex (very much ex) G/F of mine developed a fascination
for a USMC Non Comm during a deployment here in Darwin.

Under my nose (and without my knowledge) she built
this enormous fantasy based on letters and phone calls.

I found out and gave her a choice, me or the fantasy.

She opted for the fantasy, did a sneaky visit to his home
town (Beaufort?) and played up in a local motel with him.

On his next visit to Darwin he took up with a prettier and
younger girl and my Ex came to me for support.

She seemed surprised when I told her to go away, she'd
made her choices.

BrightEyes, unless you are truly in this with your feet on the ground, treat it like a live grenade. It can blow up in your face
so badly.