:faint:



:roflmao:

Ironic, isn't it?
 

When A Man Becomes Rich
He Becomes Naughty

When A Woman Becomes Naughty.
She Becomes Rich…


:)

Point of Law
 

Swimming Is Prohibited

Officer: madam swimming is prohibited in this lake.

Lady: then why didn’t you tell me when I was removing my clothes?

Officer: well, that’s not prohibited.

Definition
 

Define Biology and Sociology?
.
.
.
If new born baby looks like his father it is biology,

if he looks like his neighbor it is called sociology

Svenson and Ole
 

Hope you know Ole as well as I do.

Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone der is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know
them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about
Tom Cruise?"

"Oh, sure, ya, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it."

So Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Ole says.

''President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Ya sure," Ole says, "I know him."

“Okay, Ole, we’ll just fly out to Washington to see him."

Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they
leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who
again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Ole. "I known da Pope a long time."

The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd heading toward the Vatican. Fifteen minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?' :faint:

An Engineer Dies and Goes to Hell
 

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

You are suppose to post jokes on this thread, not historical documentation.

:confused:

^^^^ :)

:faint:

Proof That Men DO Remember!
 

Noah was a brave man!
 

Noah was a brave man.

Taking two termites onto his wooden boat.






BTW … loved your joke, PF! :roflmao:

Brave man indeed. Luv it. :rofl:

And, don't forget, Moses was once a basket case. :yikes:


;)

This is what comedy is supposed to be. The good old days.
 

This is what comedy is supposed to be. The good old days.

AT LEAST ONE OF THESE SHOULD BRING A BIG SMILE TO YOUR FACE...

Remember the old Hollywood Squares?

Classic Qs & As

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. What are doing when you say: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. If you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(Factoid: The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up
almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Answers At Last
 

ANSWERS AT LAST

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

Gems for sure.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. :rofl:

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. :roflmao:

How do you make a Blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ear!

LOL! :thumbs: ^^^^

A Cowboy Named Bud
 

A COWBOY NAMED BUD

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in central Texas, when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know anything about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

Getting Older
 

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked …

'NO REFILLS'.."

I was digging in the back yard when a found a box with a gold coin in it. I started to go and tell my wife about it, then remembered why I was digging the hole.

^^^^ :roflmao:

Subject: Happy New Year 2059 !!!!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities in the U.S. still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed down; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help.


Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

U.S. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Average weight of Americans drops to 248 lbs.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in Arctic National Wildlife Refuge––even though gas is selling at 4532 Pesos per liter, and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine-feet-seven inches, with an average of only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

A Dog Named Sex
 

A DOG NAMED SEX

My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog Sex.
It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life.

Like the day that I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”

Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog”

He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”

“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”

He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”

***************

When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.

When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.

***************

After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.

She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”

I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”

The clerk said, “Me too!”

***************

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”

***************

One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.

I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”

My case comes up next Tuesday.

***************

Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.

I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog...”









Reply, Reply All or Forward
Send

















10

Settings


Austin Kelley

biplaneak@comcast.net

Funny stuff
I love it

Chess Player
 

Americans are terrible chess players.

They lost two towers in one move.

What did i do when US started bombing my country?

I-ran.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

I LOVE IT! :D

Thanks for making the day much brighter!

Pondering the depths of a weary mind…


1. If poison passes it’s expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that at least one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

7. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.


Great confusions still unresolved.

1. At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?

2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?


Vagaries of English Language!

Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

Why isn't a Fireman called a Waterman?

How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck. SHIPMENT?

Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?
How come Noses run and Feet smell?

Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?



Put your thinking cap on:
Did you know that if you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

Good thoughts for my guru, George Carlin. :nod:

:thumbs: PF

ANSWERS
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

DEFINITION OF "SERVICE"
I became confused when I heard the word
" Service "being used with these agencies:

1, Internal Revenue"Service".
2, U.S. Postal"Service".
3, Telephone"Service".
4, Cable T.V."Service".
5, Civil"Service".
6, State, City, County & Public"Service".
7, Customer "Service".

This is not what I thought"Service"meant.

But today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.

BAM !!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!

🤓
My Optharmarogist says, “You have a Catarac.”
👓 👁
I said, “No way, my mechanic tord me, “It’s a Chevroret.‘“
🚗