How much is a reasonable expectation?
 

Perhaps I am not alone in my desire to have sex on a regular basis... I don't think that losing count is a bad thing ;). Instead, I am in the position where I can count how many times in this past year that I have had sex. I am seriously struggling with this on so many levels, I can't even begin to express it... But am seeking guidance & advice from all of you...

So.. My first question popping to the surface is: How much/often is a reasonable expectation? Once a week? A month? More? Less?

Looking forward to reading your comments, questions. & suggestions!

When I was with Bamakyttn we were really only able to get together every other week. I guess if you averaged it out it would have been about twice a week which was fine with me.

Since then I haven't had sex in over a year. Celibacy isn't so bad.

It's a question of individual dynamics, and fie on thsoe who say otherwise!

A little more info...

1) Regardless of the lack of sex, this isn't about love. I know with certainty that he loves me... I know this based on other things... The little things that are so important...

2) We live together and have for the last 16 months. During which time we have had sex perhaps 12 times.. 5 of which have been this year....

3) I have shared with him that Sex isn't so much about the act itself but the emotional bond, etc. I am frustrated and feel myself building walls and distancing myself.

4) Following our last "quickie", I began crying... Sobbing really... A mixture of emotional release and (for lack of better terms) confusion. This bothered him at the time... And it wasnt something I could explain to him..

So... Am I completely off the mark by wanting/needing sex more than every 6 weeks? Am I wrong for feeling a bit resentful?

Oh... In case anyone wonders if this is an age/health/stamina issue - I am 42, he is 41.

jennaflower,


Different people want/need sexual intercourse at different frequencies. What I find "often enough" may be "too often" for some and "not often enough" for others. Further, “normal” frequency for an individual may change over time.

So no, I don’t think you are off the mark at all. It does seem from what you post that there is a real disconnect between you and yours on this subject.

Jenna, for myself when I was in my early 40's once a week was not near enough. Thank goodness I had a partner who agreed with me. To each her (or his) own, but peolpe need to find someone that they are compatable with.

It would seem that over time emotional release, as well as physical have become entwined for you. While for him they remain separated. However, there is also the possibility that there is a physical component with him that you may be missing. Either way I agree that you are not off your mark wanting or even needing the release from sex more often.

I for one have the tendency to shut off anything I find inconvenient. The need for sex happens to be one of those things.

:( I guess suggesting hourly would be a bit much. :(





:D

Jseal... Disconnect... Wow... Bullseye!!! That is absolutely an accurate statement... Disconnect... Trying to figure out how to connect... Or if its possible.

Early in our marriage, I had switched to Depo-Provera for BC, and it killed my libido. It wasn't that I didn't like sex when we got around to having it; it's that it didn't even occur to me that I wanted it. This caused no end of arguments and tears on my part, and I felt pressured every time the subject came up. The hubby was frustrated on multiple levels, and the subject came up a lot. So, in our case, talking a lot about "the problem" which I felt was framed as "my problem" (and in a way, it was, though it wasn't a conscious choice on my part) sure didn't help; getting off those evil hormones did, though. I guess the question is, is it possible there's a physical issue that he needs to check out, as in my case, or is he just generally not that sexual a person? Is your sex life since you moved in together significantly different?

At our house, after nearly 21 years together, I think there's an unspoken goal of once a week, and we're both happier if we meet that goal. It doesn't always happen that way, due to tiredness or busyness or illness, or pain issues for me, but we shoot for that. Sometimes we have an ambitious week and go for twice. :) That's not to say we aren't horny other times, but we recognize that we live together and will get around it eventually, and there's really no rush.

You're not wrong to want sex more often; he's not wrong to want sex less often. I think what's reasonable in a relationship sex-wise is what you both agree on. If there is a fundamental difference in libidos, it may come to the point where you have to consider other options--parting ways; opening up your relationship; finding ways to satisfy yourself sexually, and finding intimacy with your partner some other way.

But I can guarantee you that you being dissatisfied with that portion of your relationship, and him feeling upset that you're upset, is not sustainable. I really don't think sex drive is commandable in the long term; it is what it is, and if he starts having sex more often than he wants to to please you, he's going to end up resenting you. And I suspect you will not enjoy duty sex a whole lot, either, and end up feeling resentful yourself.

Thanks everyone :) great food for thought... Gave me lots to think about and it certainly helped... Spent a lot of time this weekend deep in thought and am hopeful that with patience, love & understanding things will work out.

I'm sure it will.

A reasonable amount can be defined by what is physically comfortable for either party. Is it possible that your partner has underlying issues that he doesn't wish to disclose?

As LordSnow said when we were together we only had one weekend every other week to enjoy one anothers company and bodies. I was insatiable. I was also recovering for a relationship in which I was miserable and he caught the hell for it. I think I broke him. It's unusual for a man of his age to decline sex for cuddling (probably because he was afraid I would ride his iron rod into a needle with the constant attention!). I really do regret that I made his first experience so..... grueling. It wasn't fair to him. But I also understood that he wasn't accustomed to that level of intimacy nor was he ready for what I wanted which led him to build walls and may have decreased his willingness to have sex. ( This is speculation on my part)

Marlboro has SEVERE arthritis in many of the important joints due to rough living over his few years. He also has some of the same issues as I in that shoulders and hips tend to dislocate easier than they should as in our separate youths we strove for better flexibility in our chosen athletic pursuits. There are times when the pain in his hands, jaw, knees, hips, ankles, or back is just to much for his will to overcome. We both prefer external remedies to medicinal, I don't do well with pills and used to have the tendency to over indulge in even over the counter pills. There are some nights that the bedroom smells like aspercream and icy-hot..... not really sexy. Once I understood that the spirit was willing but the body was not cooperating I also realized that I was being selfish thinking that it had to be me. ( this is my own situation not insinuating anything about yours darlin!)

Yes there are many nights that I spend rubbing calcified muscle knots in his shoulders legs and back. Many mornings that I come in from nightshift to scratch his back and head while I fall asleep. I am now secure and content knowing that when we do have sex it is because he loves me and desires me enough to overcome more pain than I can even imagine. I cannot ask for anything more

Many things can hurt the sex drive. Pain, stress, fear.... Our guys are always thinking trying to decide how best to be our knights in shining armor. Even when they deny it.... especially when they deny it. I was always a lousy damsel in a dress. Ask LordSnow.



I want a cookie....... but I guess I'll go have some fruit instead.


Kyttn

I've found lately the amount of sex between me and my partner has dropped off, it just seems like there is always something getting in the way, between us being having the flu lately too our schedules not really matching up too well, lately I've been going to bed about an hour before she gets up for work.

one thing I found was bad for our sex life was our new kingsized bed, I thought having a nice big bed would be fun lol I didn't realize how much sex we ended up having in our little bed simply because we were smushed together and a little bumb and grind would start things up. hmmm

Inc, it's funny you should bring that up. My grandparents would always complain about the size of bed they got at hotels and what not. They were used to sleeping in a full when most hotels offer kings and queens. I actually remember my grandfather complaining that he couldn't find my grandmother in such a large bed. Personally, I like my queen sized waterbed. It's big enough for two without being to big.