joke thread 2(attack of the puns)
 

found this joke on the web had to share it so funny

Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn`t help noticing how beautiful Heather`s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Heather`s sexuality and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Heather and the roommate than met the eye. Reading her mum`s thoughts, Heather volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Suzy came to Heather and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I`ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don`t suppose she took it, do you?"
Heather said, "I doubt it, but I`ll write her a letter just to be sure."

So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I`m not saying you `did` take a gravy ladle from my house, and I`m not saying you `didn`t` take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Heather received a letter from her mother which read: "Dear Daughter, I`m not saying that you `do` sleep with Suzy, and I`m not saying that you `don`t` sleep with Suzy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Such an understanding mother! Her assuming that if Suzy was not sleeping with Heather she would have need of the silver ladle!! :D:D

this is not a joke as such but i found it funny.


Reebok are making ladies lycrs shorts called "mumbles".
it's because they are so tight you can see the lips move but can't tell what the cunts saying.:D :D

Great jokes, but not puns per se. A true pun involves a play on words, such as Oppornockity, the piano tuner, who could perfetlcy tune a piano in only one visit. You see, Oppornockity only tunes once.

Well in that case Murphy..........this is a joke I received in email...


> This good looking man walks into an agents office in
Hollywood and says
> > "I want to be a movie-star." Tall, handsome and with
experience on
> > Broadway....he had all the right credentials.
> >
> > The agent asked, "What's your name?"
> >
> > The guy said "my name is Penis Van Lesbian."
> >
> > The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to
get into
> > Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."
> >
> > "I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is
centuries old, I
> > will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not
ever!"
> >
> > The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
years.....you will
> > NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van
Lesbian!! I'm
> > telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will
not be able
> > to represent you."
> >
> > "So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together" the
guy
> > said....and he left the agent's office.
> >
> > FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to
his office.
> > Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.
The agent is
> > awestruck....who would possibly send him $50,000?
> >
> > He reads the letter enclosed......
> >
> > "Dear Sir,
> > Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in
> > Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to
> > make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me
I would
> > never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van
Lesbian. After
> > I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were
> > right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to
return to
> > your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never
have made
> > it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a
token of my
> > appreciation.
> >
> > Thank you for your advice.
> >
> > Sincerely,
> > Dick Van Dyke

And this is neither a joke or a pun but a tidbit of trivia with a funny twist!


> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
have produced
> > > enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly
seems worth
it.)
> > >
> > > If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is
> > produced
> > > to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more
like it!)
> > >
> > > The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body
to
> > > squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
> > >
> > > A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want
to be a
pig.)
> > >
> > > A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to
> > death.
> > > (Creepy.)
> > > (I'm still not over the pig.)
> > >
> > > Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
hour. (Do not
try
> > this
> > > at home...... maybe at work.)
> > >
> > > The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to
> its
> > > body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
off.
("Honey,
> > I'm
> > > home. What the....?!")
> > >
> > > The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
human jumping
> the
> > > length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig...
can you
> imagine??)
> > >
> > > The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so
tasty on the
> > > bottom of a pond?)
> > >
> > > Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a
pig in my
> next
> > > life...quality over quantity)
> > >
> > > Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always
wanted to
know.)
> > >
> > > The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
> > >
> > > Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than
left-handed
> > > people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the
difference?)
> > >
> > > Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so
that would be
a
> > > good thing....)
> > >
> > > A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who
was paid to
> figure
> > > that out?)
> > >
> > > An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some
people like
> > that.)
> > >
> > > Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that
too.)
> > >
> > > Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live
a lot
> longer.)
> > >
> > > Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
> (What
> > > about that pig??)
> > >
> > > Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to
spread the
> > stupidity
> > > and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to
(maybe even a
> > > chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.

Trying to get back to the topic of puns....

This horse walks into a bar..
The bartender looks at him and says,
"Why the long face?"

Jesus Christ
 

What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes 1 nail to hang a painting.