What to do?
 

Hey everyone,

I am more of a lurker than anything else. Too shy to say anything or post pictures. I need some major advise in regard to a situation I have with my boyfriend. Just to give some background, the end of this month, we will have been together a year. I met him through a friend. Basically, since the night we met, we have been inseperable. I have my own apt and he, coincidentally lived around the block from me, with his mother. After that, he pretty much moved in with me because we couldn't bear to be apart from each other. In the beginning, the sex was great (as it always is with new relationships) but that slowly started to fade and it had nothing to do with me. To this day, I am still the giddy school girl that gets all excited when he is in my presence. For him, its not the same. I told him from the beginning that I was a very sexual person and he said that didn't bother him. I can't tell you how many times we have had the conversations, that start with me asking, Is it me?" The answer was always no. The answers I would get would be, stress, tired etc. I am the money maker between us, the money he makes at his jobs, he turns straight over to his mother. (She helped him pay off some loans so he wouldn't have to deal with the banks anymore) He leaves NONE for himself to live off of. I told him from the beginning that, that did not bother me but now it is starting to. I work 50-60 hours a week and told him if he helped out around the apt it would mean more to me than him giving me money to help out with the bills. I am starting to get annoyed at the fact that I come home to get something to eat and its gone. I don't feel that he is contributing in a lot of ways that he should be. I started to realize that anytime we did have sex, I was the one initiating everything all the time. I was not used to this. And when we did anything sexual, it was always me doing things to him. It seemed like if I mentioned something I would like for him to do, he would do it but make it seem like a chore. I told and still do tell him these things. He told me that there are things that he thinks are more important than having sex. Like doing things for each other, holding hands, cuddling etc. I told him that is all fine and dandy but when you are in a relationship and love someone, making love to that person is the greatest way of showing that person you love them. Last night, we had this conversation again because the last two nights have been complete failures. He mentioned that he thought "I" wanted something so he was trying. That really hurt my feelings and I told him that we both need to want it together. He tells me he understands how I feel but I don't think he does. I told him I am craving attention from him and longed to be touched. He doesn't seem to understand the difference between holding hands and him caressing my body and kissing me all over. I told him that I feel very unattactive and I want him to make me feel like I am that and that I am sexy to him. He has also told me in the past that some of his past relationships have ended because of his lack of sexual awareness. I love this guy with all my heart. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have never been treated better (except in some aspects) and he has shown me patience that I never thought I had. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him over this and he told me he wants to try to change things but can't promise anything over night. What do you think I should do? He hasn't had many partners before me and I try to show him things or tell him things I like and answers with an "I won't do that." Please help me! And thanks if you have managed to read this far!

To me, to be bluntly honest, it sounds more like it's been over for him for a while, and that he's hanging on to a good thing. You're just like his mother to him. I may be wrong, but you pay his way, clean the house, and even tell him he doesn't have to pitch in with bills. It's the same as he had at home, only without his mom breathing down his neck asking where he is, or what not.

Now, like I said, I may be wrong, but... well, to me, it just seems like you have a LOT invested into him, while he hands out a few small crumbs when he needs to.

A break might help some. Have him go back to his mom's for a few weeks, seeing as she lives near by. Set a few guidlines, and go back to making it feel more like a dating experience, than a marriage experiance. If he wants the relationship, he'll fight for it. You sound like you've shown him in more ways than one that you'll do anything for him. Let him do the same for you now, no matter how much it WILL hurt to step back, at least at first.

If he doesn't fight, then you'll know. If he does, it should help improve your relationship with him.

Good luck.

BTW, welcome to another Michigander. ;)

Quick add-on.. If he's on any long term medications which require daily doses, that could be affecting his sexuality. It might be blocking his libido. Long term drug use can do the same, if that's an issue.

Hope things work out.

Oh hon.....I'm not entirely sure what to say, but I wanted to assure you that you'd been heard and my heart goes out to you.

If I break down what you said, I get the impression that within your relationship: 1) You make the money, 2) You take care of the flat, 3) You initiate the romantic encounters, and 4) You aren't having your needs met.

This is where it gets hard, because 5) You're in love with him. So I fully expect your back to go up if anyone says anything against the guy.

I don't know if it's because you were having a rant or because of something deeper....but while you said he was the best thing that ever happened to you, you didn't really make it clear what _you_ are getting out of this relationship. It stands out to me because I have a friend whom I can't seem to get a really basic idea through to.....just because he's not doing anything wrong doesn't mean he's doing anything right. Pleasure is more than just the absense of pain. I'm wondering if you don't deserve more than you're letting yourself have with this guy.

I'm not saying you have to break up with him, or that the situation is doomed. But you're already frustrated about the financial situation, which is bad, and not telling him the truth about how you feel about it, which is worse. Moreover, it sounds like you're clearly making your needs known...and he's refusing to meet you halfway. These sorts of problems are normal in a relationship, really they are. But things can go one of two ways from here....and if he's not willing to compromise and make an effort, I'm not sure how you're going to make it.

All I can suggest is that you be completely honest with him about everything, and then re-evaluate why you're staying. Because honestly, you need a reason to stay in a relationship....not a reason to leave one.

G

Gilly said exactly what I was thinking. A relationship is all about give and take. If you're doing all the giving and he's just taking, you're going to end up going round and round in circles and not getting any happier.

I hope it all works out!

And welcome to Pixies :)

Hey there and welcome :) I've been in a relationship before where I seemed to be the only one pulling the weight and taking the responsibility for making things work. After talking to the guy 4 or 5 times about the same thing, you have a right to issue and ultimatum (and this is coming from an anti-ultimatum kind of girl). The thing is this-- he's living his own life from your apartment without much regard for your needs. It sounds to me (and I'm SO willing to admit that I could be wrong) that he isn't ready to take responsibility for himself, much less take into account another person's feelings. Hopefully, if you take the above advice and tell him that you guys need your own, separate living space he'll wise up and have some time to grow up. Right now, it sounds like his Mom has always bailed him out in the past, so he lived off her for a while, and now he's doing the same to you-- in my heart I really think that if you force him to live for himself for a while, if he really wants to meet you halfway and continue the relationship he'll be better able to make that commitment to you and your needs.

Welcome out of lurkdom.

I'd recommend you take a few days off if possible. Is there a relative or friend you can stay with out of town? Some time on your own to think would be good, methinks.

Ok here are my thoughts. I would definitely take the advise of all the ladies before me. But mainly, I would sit him down, no distractions and tell him how you feel as best as you can. talking is always a good thing. Suggest to him that maybe you need to start dating all over again. Seeing each other every other day instead of everyday and night. Tell him that your not breaking up, but wanting to make it all work the best that it will and to do that is not be around each other all the time. He sounds like he depends on people too much and if he lived with his Mother and then moved in with you right away, it sounds like he doesn't know how to take care of himself. And that can lead to more problems done the road. But I think that the best advise is to talk and seperate for a short time. And if he doesn't make an effort.....



Well I know a really nice guy with a high sexual energy as well and he does take care fo the house.. :D

Sounds like a lot of good suggestions, MeeShell. Not sure I can add much other than to wish you luck.

And, it's good to see you postiing here at Pixies. Welcome.

MeeShell,
I was once in a similar situation as you. Although, it was my apartment, and I paid all the bills.

The young lady I was dating moved in with me. In the beginning things were great, (The sex, sharing, fun, conversations, etc ) but after a few months it became apparent to me that there just wasn't the connection that I needed in a serious relationship.

She had never been in a serious relationship before, nor lived away from mom & dad, and I rapidly became her mom,dad, lover, and best friend. I soon realized that she had an inferiority complex, she was always putting herself down, and in many ways being her own worse enemy. In short order she became completely dependent on me for all of her physical and emotional needs.

There rose the problem. I cared for her, and therefore found it impossible to ask her to leave, because I knew how much she cared for me. The situation put me in a position where I gave her what she specifically asked for, but as far as my interest it became just like we were room mates that had sex.

Here is my thoughts on your situation: Your boyfriend lived with his mom, not a good situation for any guy. You came along and provided him with an escape, and agreed to pay all the bills. You are infatuated with him, and letting him take advantage of you.

The advice offered previously is spot on. I too suggest that you ask him to move back in with his mom, and start dating all over again. But only if you truly love this guy. I say this because you have set a president with him, in your willingness to provide for his every need. If you continue with this relationship you can almost count on him being dependent on you for as long as you are together.

In my humble opinion, things are never going to change in this relationship, and its time to move on to someone who can really appreciate all the love and affection you have to offer the right man.

honey, you're in a tough spot and i understand it's difficult and painful when you're in a relationship where it feels like you're doing all the giving and he's doing all the taking, but you love him and don't want to be without him. you sound like such a sweet, caring person...and you deserve to be treasured and loved and to feel like you're cared for and the center of his world sometimes. there's no reason if he's not contributing financially that he can't contribute to the housework and he DEFINATELY should be there for you emotionally. i'm kinda concerned that he's acting like he can't be bothered to do the things that should come naturally when you love someone. cuddling, holding each other, kissing, talking, etc. it sounds like you may have some self esteem issues but honey, you DESERVE love and you should feel special to him. don't sell yourself short babe.

Welcome!To be blunt,it sounds like he cares more for his mother.
When you have a SO,they should come 1st,& his mother should
realise that.It sounds to me,like he should grow up.Also,if he is NOT on a medication,I have never known a young man,that wasn't horny,most of the time.Granted,some more then others,
but most of the time! Irish
P.S.Have you ever heard the term "Mommas boy"?

welcome MeeShell

what you are dealing with sounds really tuff. i hope it all works out. here's my 2 cents: if your like me and sex is a big part of your relationship, and you two can't connect anymore, it may be time to move on. it's okay to need physical fulfillment along with the emotional and if your not getting either or both, wait for someone who can give you the relationship you deserve. of course, you two should try to work it out. it's never worth it to throw away a relationship without trying to fix it first but don't let sympathy for him get in the way of your needs. good luck!

It almost sounds that he is emotionally detached in someway, as if he can't come to terms with intimacy between you both. I won't go into his inability to contribute to the living situation, others have already hit upon that, and I will agree with them. I was unemployed for a bit once, and what little money I got from unemployment barely covered my rent. I would have to scrap to pay for my share of utilities, but my roommates would let me slide. I felt bad, so I would cook every night for them, so when they got home from work, food would be right there for them. Can't see why he can't do something similar...to me that smacks of laziness and is almost uncaring to be honest, and disrespectful.

You say you have talked with him, but there definitely are communication problems as either he is not understanding what you are saying, or you are not being clear enough with him in your concerns, needs, ect. If you have to, be blunt, spell it out for him, he has to understand what is going on and if he has problems, he needs to air them as well, in a honest, open fashion. I know you hear this all the time, but communication is #1 in any type of relationship whether it be an intimate one or a platonic friendship. Anyway, I wish you the best with your situation, take care.

MeeShell? I know that you are more of a lurker than participant...but please come back and let us know how you are since your initial post! We worry ya know!

*hugs*