cheating...a time and place for all things
 

I know many here at Pixies have a slight sexual obsession. So I'm possing a hypothetical for you.

(I watch the show Cheaters alot on G4.)If you are in a relationship in which sex has stopped for a very lengthy period of time. Would you cheat on your S/O and how long do you think it would take for the most monogomous among us to actually do so? If you wouldn't then what would it actually take for you to cheat?

If sex has ceased for a long time I have a hard time seeing it as cheating.

Lots of variables to consider when trying to answer those questions so I guess it's easiest for me to contemplate if I just focus on the sex having gone out of the relationship aspect.

It really depends upon the individuals involved as to what the "limit" would be of going without sex. Then there's the question of whether the love is still there. Personally, I do believe that it's possible to be in love with more than one person at a time but there's a sort of filter in our hearts/minds that keeps many of us monogamous. Sometimes that filter is easier to let down than at others. So yes, I do believe that somewhere inside each of us we hold the capability of cheating on our partner.

For me it would have to be some sort of extraordinary circumstance for me to cheat, even if the sex was gone from the relationship. Not really sure what that circumstance would be but I do know I wouldn't be able to just decide, "Okay, I need to get laid. I'm going to cheat on her today." That's just not me. I can't answer how long a time it would take for me to get to the place where I decided I needed someone else. No idea at all. :shrug:

If I was in a relationship where the sex had stopped for a lengthy period of time, I'd think I'd be asking myself some very serious questions. Sex is so important in a healthy relationship, and if it was to cease then that would be an indicator that the relationsip is in serious trouble. Rather than cheating on my SO, I'd try to see if we could work through the issues, and if that didn't work...I'd break it off with him. Then, I wouldn't have to cheat.

^^^^^Perfect - that's exactly what I was about to say.

Here's what Dan Savage, my favorite sex advice columnist has to say about it.

It would depend on why the sex stopped!!! If it was just because we weren't "clicking" then I think I would seriously consider ending the relationship before I cheated. If he was unable to have sex, like due to an illness or something, then forget it, I'd never cheat.

Ah but if sex IS important, then it should be had only with the person you love, or not at all....and if it ISN'T important, why risk losing/hurting someone you love for the sake of it?

Cheating is a state of the heart, not a measure of how wet your dick got.

Mind you, I wish my relationship with my partner left room for others, but her head's not built that way so it would be cheating.

Put another way, if your partner walked in on you in bed with another and it didn't bring a smile to their face, it's probably cheating.

I'm with the wise man right above me. ;)

I'm not naturally monogamous and I think the idea of monogamy is, frankly, silly. But the man I choose to spend my life with feels differently, so I play by the rules. To do anything else would just be disrespectful.

If the sex had stopped in our relationship and we still were very in love and wanted to stay together but felt sexually unsatisfied, then I would talk to my OH about "cheating" though I don't think it can really be called that when you both agree that it's a good idea. But if the idea didn't go down well, then further actions down that line would feel like a betrayal. And if I was the one frustrated and my OH said "no" to me being with other people, then it'd be down to me to weigh up how important sex was compared to my relationship with my OH.
I don't think I could ever be with someone other than my OH without him knowing and understanding why, i just wouldn't be able to go behind his back, look him in the eye and lie about it. Not without experiencing some extreme depression because of it.

But that's just my :2cents:

Oldfart and Osuche speak for me too!

These are some very valid points. I'm glad that many felt like posting even though the circumstances leading up to the decision to cheat were not laid out clearly.

I think that all avenues should be explored before making a drastic decision such as cheating. One thought I had on the circumstance didn't involve a person who just felt like a change or some irreconcilable difference in the relationship. I was more aiming at a situation in which a partner was happy in their relationship but had lost the inclination toward sex (like those cases we have heard of where everything is fine but a couple hasn't had sex in years and feels no urgency to get back in the saddle).

If it's not important why would they be hurt? They would only be hurt if it was important to them and if it's important then they should understand the need for it.

You cannot have it both ways reread what I posted from Dan Savage.

Cheating
 

I didn't read all the posts already written, because I wanted to make a very specific point, and not be swayed by anyone else.

Cheating means, at the most basic sense, telling a lie.

My sexual proclivities and appetites are pretty well known here. I have tried monagamy, and hated it. (my marriage). It turned out I was the only one practicing mongamy, and I ended up with an STD. (my only one)
So my decision was not to ever do it again. But I NEVER EVER EVER will pretend otherwise.
If a person enters into any kind of relationship with me, they have to know from the begining that it will be an open relationship.
Trust is everything. If I promised not to do something, such as fuck anyone else, then I wouldn't. But i don't see myself making that promis again.
If sex has departed your realtionship, then there are much deeper issues tha have to be addressed.


WW