Desperately Dateless
 

I'm a sad case and am seeking the advice of the knowledgeable folks here at Pixies. Here's my facts:

*30 something
*single
*never been kissed
*only been on one very sad date
*never been courted

I'm ready to change as much about this as I can. But as you can see I'm not even a rookie, I'm a novice just learning how to crawl in this thing called relationships, dating, companionship, flirting, and sex.

I'm not sure how I reached this point in my life without having been dated, kissed, etc. It doesn't help that I'm quite shy about meeting people. I think that's probably the first hurdle for me to overcome.

But, I'm all ears, Pixies. Hit me with any and all advice you have regarding how to get into the dating arena for the first time ever.

I'm sure you have questions and I'm happy to answer them, so hit me with those too.

Thanks in advance,
NBK

Hi NBK... welcome to Pixies. :wave:

Definitely, shake off the shyness... that is going to make it really hard to get to know anyone.

One problem is that old habits are hard to break. You've managed to somehow avoid the dating scene and the intimacies and lack there of that go along with it. I would suggest that you find one friend or co-worker who has a similar plight (they are out there) or is done with marriage #1 who needs to get back on the horse, the two of you need to go to all the places you hear about. Yes clubs. Yes the coffee houses. Yes the bookstores. How will anyone know you are on the market if you don't show up for the sale? I say exposure exposure exposure and let the rest naturally fall into place.

give it a try
 

Big hugs to you. I would suggest you focus on being open to meeting new people. Today between the various online options, your friends, and public places I would hope you can expand your circle of friends. Over time this is likely to lead to an introduction to a single guy...

Be open and fun and i bet someone will recognize those qualities. Good luck to you.

Welcome to our corner of the world NBK. :wave:

Your described situation is a little different than the norm asked here and you did invite questions, so I'd like to ask a couple. I am curious how you came to Pixies? I don't know how long you've been looking in on us and I can only hope it's been for a while. If so, you already know there are a lot of super nice adults here (I'll be here too) that will openly share, without glitz or cause, and you'll get a variety of prospectives of some life experiences.

Accepting that you have not been a social butterfly, may I ask what has kept you occupied up to this point? It may help to tell us some general information about your location without giving specific details. What you may want to do will be different if you have been studying sand dune shifting for 15 years in the Goby desert, than it would be if you are a toll booth attendant on the George Washington bridge.

if i were you, i'd think about why i am so gun shy first. when you can figure that out, and overcome it, then go forth and engage.

Listen to these ^^ guys. They have good ideas.

I think you need to be comfortable with *you.* No level of dating will make sense until you (1) know what you want, (2) are ready to take risks. IMO, risk taking can only happen when you have self confidence that will support you when the risks you take have different results than you planned. Not bad, just different. :)

If you're ready to begin a search, my only advice is not to expect results overnight. Aim to develop new friends and have great new experiences. Finding someone to date is icing on the cake.

How? Join a new club, get active in your church, go to a "speed dating" event, post a profile online. Lots of ways -- and using more than one method is always good.

I wish you luck and love!

I'd also add that you should be prepared for lots and lots of ups and downs. Don't use the excuses that you've made earlier (for example, don't say "oh I won't ask her out, we have so little in common" or "nah, she's just not my type" etc) because you're afraid it won't work out. Instead, try EXPECTING it to not work out, and accept that. You're going on a learning journey, so you'll be learning how to dump, be dumped, how to love and be loved and all the good/bad/ugly/weird/annoying/depressing/joyous/kinky/sexy/fun/sad things that go with it. Expect and most of all ACCEPT it all, and just get out there and enjoy yourself.

Why the sudden change?

I grew up painfully shy. I didn't speak until having been spoken to, and even then...it was when more than a nod or shake of the head could suffice. Most people mistook that for intelligence. :p

At any rate, Mrs. WI spent years trying to convince me that what others think does not matter at all. I never fully bought into the concept because I really do think it matters what others think. A more important thing to understand is that what YOU think helps you to determine who else's opinion matters.

I didn't really start to feel comfortable with who I am until I came upon Pixies. :D

And now the flock is the one that is uncomfortable. :ewe:













:doorpeek:

I think personally I'd find a somewhat public passtime that I love and stay occupied. Try not to focus on the relationship thing as much as just being sociable.. once you're comfortable being around groups... the guys will naturally gravitate your way. Confidence in what you're doing attracts attention and well... nature influences the rest.
Oh and welcome to Pixies!

Online dating will get you a lot of dates if you are willing to pick up the phone, the great thing about that is the girls tend to be shy too, which tends not to make great dates, but does make it easy to get a little practice, plus when two shy people date the conversation sometimes ends, and when the conversation ends the fun sometimes begin's not that I advice that as you feel horrible afterward, and thats not the best way to lose your virginity.

The best thing that can happen is that you find a friend thats a girl, and I don't care if it's your sister. Going out in public with a similar aged girl having fun might not ever produce a date, but it will make you more confident.

The other thing you need to relize is that no matter how awful you are there is an equal women out there that is willing to give you a chance if you give her one. If you have a good job or are at least average looking you have nothing to worry about, just go out and try it.

Also don't worry about things that come into play once you have a relationship, after a date or two you will have a much better idea what someone is all about, and can then make a decision on a relationship. A date is simple dinner and a conversation can seem like a sure disaster, but sometimes when your forced to be open with someone else you end up having a great time.

And finally remember it's about having a good time, kissing and sex are fun, but they are not nearly as important as finding someone to enjoy spending time with, and from my experiance anticipation and masturbation fantasies tend to be more exciting.

Dating
 

Do you get asked out? What do you say when men ask you?
If you are not being asked out, are you making yourself unapproachable?
If you avoid eye contact, and always walk in a hurry, people (men) are not going to try to talk to you.
MAKE IT EASY to be approached.
By the way, maybe post a personal add?
Describe yourself and your interests.
Start here, among friends.
Just be careful, use sense in meeting people.

WW

First let me say thanks to each of you that took a moment or three to respond, your input is greatly appreciated.

Now to answer some of the questions that were posed.

PantyFanatic:
How I came to find pixies? Let's say self satisfaction. I've been a long time guest of reading the posted stories.

What kept me occupied up to this point? I'm not completely sure. I've moved about from place to place with my nose to the grindstone, so to speak. I've immersed myself in the workplace/career/school and thought I would find it all very rewarding. It has been, but now I'm looking for other fullfillment and enrichment in my life. Unfortunately, this full absorption in my workplace and moving too and fro has limited my social interactions outside of the "office".

Lilith:
Yes, one must show up for the "sale". I like your suggestions and think I might find myself hanging out a local bookstore near me soon.

WickedWanda:
I don't get asked out, haven't been since about 1993. I'm not completely sure why this is other than I don't make myself overly available as several people have already pointed out.

Several of you have mentioned "joining" in some fashion. How would you recommend finding groups/clubs/organizations to join in my area? Just some general guidance to how you would find groups is what I'm looking for here.

Someone asked why the sudden change? I wouldn't say it's sudden so much as something that has long been in the back of my mind and I'm just finally at a point mentally and emotionally where I'd like to do something about it. I'm not looking for overnight miracles and a husband in 5 quick winks and nods. I recognize all good things seem to take time, but I need to take a start at "life".

Thanks again everyone.