Divorce?
 

My husband and I have been married for a few years, and we don't have kids yet. Lately I find that I am not attracted to him, and that our marriage has turned into a close friendship with very little else.

I think it might be time for a divorce - I love him but I don't think I'm in love with him any more.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Can you give me any advice?

When I divorced, pretty much everybody said, "At least you don't have children" so that's one thing to look at.

Have you thought about counselling to get at the root of your issues?

I don't know your age but I know I married in my early 20s and should have known it wouldn't work. I know many Pixies have great marriages and have been married and survived their 20s together but I wasn't one of them.

Edited to add: You're exactly a week younger than me :)

I'm still finding that I'm changing and don't know what I want from one day or another. You have to look at yourself, look at him, look at the two of you together . . .

The big question is: why do you say you think you aren't in love with him anymore?

I notice you say, "you don't think" . . . that's a big difference from the declarative statement, "I'm NOT in love with him anymore."

Hi Steph:

Thanks for your response. Yes, I agree...I have done a lot of changing over the past few years and I think that's part of the problem. I just want different things than he wants.

Yes, there's a difference between "thinking" and "knowing" that I am not in love. There are good days - there are just very few of them. We don't fight...there's just no spark. I don't rush home to see him anymore, and I haven't for many months.

I've thought about a counselor. My husband is very private, and he is not interested in going to one. However, I could probably make him go if I insisted...do you think I should? I've always wondered how it works out if one person really doesn't want to be there.

Thanks for the help.
-Ann

I keep zooming in on the "close friendship" part...I've seen marriages last a long time based on as much.
If the fire has died down, but not causing major conflict, I'd say some councelling might be in order...
Or maybe a little something something to spice things up might help as well.

I can't contribute any personal experience so I can't offer advice from that perspective but I do think that before you decide to divorce, you should at least talk your husband. A lot. The counseling is a good idea, too, but like your husband, I think I’m just a bit more likely to try to work it out at home before bringing in a headshrinker to overanalyze and make a clinical, academic situation out of a relationship that’s should to be dynamic and blooming and unconstrained by any one set of “norms”. Sometimes we find that which contents us, yet at the same time conventional wisdom tells us that by most standards we shouldn’t feel content.

That isn’t to say that psychologists and others wouldn’t be a help, only that I believe my husband and I could succeed in helping ourselves as long as we remained friends. I'm not sure you should force or threaten your husband into counseling, but it's important to you and perhaps with some of your perspective, he could be persuaded to do it just knowing it meant a lot to you. A great advantage for you both is that hopefully - as close friends - you can be honest with each other about your feelings without it degenerating into arguments or blame-laying or other nasty results that would need a councilor, or worse, need to just end.

You’ve been married a few years, but it’s only been lately that you’re feeling little or no attraction to him. Perhaps it’s something else that’s interfering. A general ennui in life that’s translating to your libido, or to your feelings for him, or to something else entirely. Marriages aren’t solely based on sexual attraction, but it certainly is important and for a certain kind of person – a person who needs that body and brain connection - necessary. But not so important that at the first signs the attraction is fading, the marriage should be ended.

best of luck to you and yours, cognito

JMHO, but I would think that both people would need to want to be there. But that requires both people admitting that there is something that needs to be analyzed and that's not easy to do. Whether it's that he isn't ready to concede that there's a problem, or if he truly believes one doesn't exist...the result is the same. The only way a couple stands the chance to work things out is if both people are engaged in the process.

Because I use sex for a lot of analogies, I'll do it here too. :p It's like my asking Mrs. WI to tie me up. She's not interested in doing it, and is very happy having more conservative sex. She did it once just to please me and it was a disaster. She wasn't "in" to it and it was obvious. Then she got defensive about it, and the whole thing just deteriorated. My point is that like sex acts, couple's counselling requires mutual interest and participation or only one person is getting what they want out of it...and not even that. Not a resolution to a desire.

I'm sorry that I'm only able to suggest what probably won't work and not something that possibly will. I hate seeming negative, but my only positive suggestions sound very obvious.

My husband and I got married very young, probably way too young. Because of it, we have had, and continue to "growup" together. As we age, our tastes, habits, and the way we used to be have changed. There was many times in the beginning that I wondered if it was best to leave or to stay.

However, I had to sit down and ask myself, is it worth it? Is it worth sticking through the rough patches, the mellow times, the good, the bad and the ugly for this person? My answer was yes and hopefully always will be. I made a vow to be with him forever. I'm still crazy about him, even if he drives me crazy at times (and I know I drive him nuts too :D). We are best friends and we did build our relationship off a friendship first. Thankfully, I think we got through the worst of it a few years ago, as it keeps getting better and better here. :loveshowe

I think ultimately you will have to ask yourself, is it worth it? If things never change, will you be happy non the less? Only you can answer that. Only you ultimately know what you need to do. Whatever choice you make, make sure you have some support, it goes a long way.

hmm i was married for 20 year.. and kept trying and finally did ask myself if it was worth it all and finally decided Fuck NO..

He was emotionally, psychologically and finally psycially abusive since i was changing and getting more asssured. He was also very threatened by toys.

let me start this way.. first anniversary he told me to keep look out for delivery .. i waited all day as i wasn't working then.. he came home and told me he was just yanking my chain.

We kept trying to make a new start and finally i called him 9 years ago this last labor day weekend and said "btw i am moving out.. CYA!

I think people jump into divorce just as fast as they jump into marriage. Since when is love, and friendship not enough? Try the counseling. My wife and I were just talking about this, and all things considered we shouldn't still be married, losing two kids, mistrust, accusations of cheating, an extended unemployment, and all the other crap that goes with being married to someone for nearly 11 years, and being together as a couple for over 18. We're still together and we (at this time) still like being married to one another. That hasn't happened without a LOT of counseling sessions. With a lot of different therapists. I get so upset when people won't go to counseling because they don't want to be "blamed" for anything. I have never been to a session where I was blamed for anything that I didn't already hold myself accountable for.

I don't know where I get my old fashioned streak when it comes to marriage, but unless there is abuse, cheating* or, something really wrong I think people should stay married. If it's that you're just not happy then figure out why you're not happy look at ways to change that. I haven't always been happy with my wife and I know she hasn't always been happy with me. I know I haven't always been *in* love with her either I guess, but I have always Loved her, and I always will. (Currently I consider myself In Love with her) We stuck with each other through good times and bad. (sounds familiar)

I guess you just need to ask yourself what has changed. Why aren't you In Love with him anymore? People change. I know that's really cliche, but I'm amazed everyday at the number of people who don't realize this. Like I said I love my wife but there is no way she is still the same person I married all those years ago, and she's sure as hell not the person I fell in love with when I was just a stupid high school kid, and I of course am not that same stupid high school kid. You have to roll with the changes, take the person for who they are and grow together as a couple.

*I don't necessarily think cheating is reason to get divorced. I understand it, but couples can work through it.

cognito,

If you think that marriage is always going to be skyrockets and hormone overload, get out now, cos you're somewhere that's not going to be.

Marriage is life-partnering, and often just knowing that the two of you are where you want to be with the one you want to be with is enough.

Friends of mine who are serial divorcees are no closer to finding "THE ONE" after over 30 years.

Consider why you married and what you think is waiting out there for you.

As far as I'm concerned, I think unless life is a living hell (which it sounds like it isn't) then putting more effort in on both sides is what's called for.

If he realises that he's in serious danger of losing you, then you may find that he'll buck his ideas up about making more effort and maybe seeing a counsellor.

Don't give up so easily and don't have unrealistic expectations. It's not all heart pounding, stomach fluttering wonderfulness and the relationships that I see working are ones where both parties work hard to keep the sparks alive.

Just don't do anything stupid like decide to have a baby to keep the relationship going - that's a BAD idea!

Thanks Lou,

I forgot to mention that one.

Might you both be open to working on it together? He might not be open to a counselor but perhaps a "self-help" program. Something you work on together .

Just a thought, I find the insights there to be well... insightful. :)

I was going to try to say in mine that marriage isn't always fiery passion, wine, and roses, or how ever you want to say it. Things do cool off. I just didn't want to get into the whole, "well I'm as passionately IN LOVE with my DH as the day we were married and if you're not your marriage is a failure" argument.

Wanting your marriage to work must be reciprocal. It just won't work if one person wants it and the other is perfectly happy letting them do all the work to keep the marriage together.

Unless you enjoy being the martyr.