Leaving The Toilet Seat Up
Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that
all
the time.
It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were aiming for. Sometimes I
go into the
washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around -- just so
I'll make sure I hit
something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that
men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom
stall (because all the urinals are being used), take perfect aim at the
toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of
toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling
'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no
longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit
down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise, if she goes to the toilet one more time at night and either
sits on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or falls right into the toilet
because I forgot to put the seat down, she's going to kill me in my
sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a
classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real
problem and you ladies need to be more understanding. It's the dreaded
"morning wood."
Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with
it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to
bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim. Well hell, if you can't aim
you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn
fuzzy
toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by
the
way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid
toilet seats won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one
hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to achieve
that
perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat
with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress
that
fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but
then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that
damn toilet seat comes flying down and
tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet
seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain
this morning situation to my wife.
I told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I
told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting
down on the toilet with "morning wood."
Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath towels
hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are
sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when
you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom
of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.
You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back
of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you
women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position by simply
laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice,
perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the
only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning
pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get
beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was
Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!