Okay, so maybe I'm not the best one at putting my personal life out there for the world to see but right now I could use some opinions. The following is a letter I sent to a "friend." I am 90% sure he will duck and run. What I am wondering is how I came off in it? Did it sound rash, sane, b*!@$y, needy, harsh, or even accusing. I know I might get some slack for the whole mistress/whore thing but I would like someone's views.

This is indeed my last communication with him that I initiate and I guess I just want to know if it was valid. I know it is long and full of mistakes but I would love some input. Thanks, Melissa


My phone doesn't tell me if you get the text messages I sent or not so I figured that rather than assume you have gotten them I will make sure. I would rather repeat myself than never get it said. First of all I was not wanting an accounting of your actions. I was worried that something may have happened to you or that something was up and you might want to talk. Since it had been a while I wasn't sure if you would just start up talking about a problem as you had before or if you would just keep it to yourself. When we talked a week ago you did seem a little down. I did send you a Happy Father's Day text after we had talked just in case you didn't get it.

Also when we talked you had mentioned wanting to know how Wed went for me. I sent you a message that I had taken a pill and slept through my appointment but normally you would have asked me if I was feeling better. Now I know it had been some time since we had talked so I didn't think too much about you not asking, but I did assume that we would talk anyway because you mentioned that you would get up with me when you got back which would be Wed.

Okay, Wed goes by, I sent you a yahoo message just because I thought you would be on there, per our conversation, and I wanted to find out how things had gone on your new route... nothing... which I didn't think too much about. Thurs...nothing...I didn't think too much. Fri... nothing...okay. Sat...nothing...something might be wrong, I guess I could ask. BAM!!! I want an accounting. Where did that come from??? I am sooo in the dark. I don't know if you are having a bad day and need to take it out on somebody or what, but I don't think I deserve to be that somebody.

Who hasn't had a busy week? It's all about what you want to make time for. Honestly, how much time would it have taken to turn on the computer, find my name and type 'sorry, busy weekend. Will try and talk next week.' Would you like to know what I have done since Wed, with a migraine I might add. Wed I spent finding,changing and redoing the party favor bags for a wedding of 180. Thurs I filled and tied 180 little squares of netting with bird food, filled 180 little boxes with mints making sure that each one had the same number of mints. Dealt with a bride that decided she was going to cuss out the minister so no longer had a church and had to call half of the phonebook, not to mention the guests. Fri run around picking up last minute items, dresses, shoes, and everything else. Had rehursal, packed bags to have in the dressing room with everything you can think of for the Bridal Party. Have bridal shower. Decorate the reception hall. Meet with caterer, & dj. Cook. Sat, on no sleep mind you, cook, get to the spa at 9 organize bridal parties hair, manicure, pedicure, and make-up. Leave spa with another person because they had overbooked and ran across town to find a salon to get our things done at. Quick stop at the mall, drug store and liquor store to get forgotten items. Get to church by 1 to organize make-up, every kind of medicine, hair supplies, sewing things, tape, whatever it took to get everyone ready for picts at 2:30. Took pics, had wedding, took pics, had reception. Got home at 8:00, about passed out but was too tired and had to stay up until 12:00 packing Kalyn's vacation bags. All that but I still had time to see if you were ok. Personally, as I said before, I think it's all in what you make time for.

If you look back it does seem that I have ALWAYS been the one to try and rally you out of the dumps. From job to job I have always been there to tell you that things would go great that you were a wonderful salesman. How good your people skills were. How your accounts were going to grow and grow. How people look over how truely great you are. How you need to take time for yourself. Always asked how you were feeling if I knew you were down. Always asked about things going on that were up in the air...job contracts, promotions, basketball games, routes, Bob, kid's birthdays, whatever was going on I asked about. I have listened to your job issues, life issues, family issues, sexual issues............. I have ALWAYS been the one in your corner to tell you everything is going to be ok. The one who tries to help you pick up the pieces and feel good about yourself. HELLO, that's been me!! So when you seemed like something might be wrong, what else was there to do but ask you? It's what I ALWAYS do. The ??? at the end were because I wasn't sure if you wanted to tell me or not. Given the situation that I THOUGHT we had just come out of I wasn't sure if you wanted to open up to me or not but I still wanted to let you know I was there. As usual.

I don't know if the accountability thing comes up because you feel there was an implication that you were busy with someone else or what it might be. I don't know because you didn't share that part with me. If you want to know the God's honest truth I could give a rat's ass how many women you want to talk to or fuck. What does it matter to me??? That's not my ring on your finger. The only thing it does is give me pause as to future meetings with you because unless things have changed you don't use condoms.

My problem was with the honesty part of it. You have made comments like you are so lonely, no one talks to you, it's your destiny to be alone, you only talk to me and your sister........... Comments such as those when they are found to be false tend to piss people off. There is a certain enjoyment out of thinking that you are that important to someone and when you find that to be false it's shocking. The point in all that is that those ideas existed because you put them there. They aren't there anymore, I don't feel special, I damn sure don't feel important now, and I do feel like a number. It's not an easy transition. It would have been better to know all along. Now that I look back I think I did which was why I sometimes asked. I gave you every oppertunity to open up........

I'm not sure if you will understand this or not but here it is. All that time I spent worried that I wasn't good enough for the amount of importance I was deligated. I wasn't special enough, pretty enough, thin enough, sophisticated enough, smart enough, or even yes, young enough. You see, I think I spent so much time building you up to yourself trying to make you feel good about yourself that I built you up to me too. So much so that when I looked at myself I didn't feel good enough for you at all. Why do you honestly think it has been so long since I have seen you? I wanted you to think I was good enough, but how could you when I had already decided I wasn't and never gave you the oppertunity. I felt special to you and didn't want to lose that when you found out I wasn't. I was so sure that that was the way it would end.

When I saw some of your other friends it wasn't only being jealouse, or the lack of honesty. There didn't seem to be anything so remarkable about them. That made me ANGRY! There wasn't ONE of them that seemed to be all the things I thought I wasn't. No one seemed to have that "special" that I was so sure I didn't have. The same "special" that I was so sure that you wanted. It took some time for me to see that it wasn't that they were special and I wasn't. It was that we are just people to help you pass your time. People to fill a void. There wasn't a "special." I was sad. What a loss of time it had been. How much could we have shared. How many things that we always talked about could we have done?

Are there other people that talk to me....sure. Have I ever meet up with them...no Have I had phone sex with them....no. Do I have cyber with them... no. Do they have my address or phone number...no. Do they know my daughter...no. Do they know my feelings...no. Do I turn to them when I am in need...no. Those were things that were only yours. Not because you asked me to do that but because since you made it seem like the only people that you had in your life were your wife and myself, I was going to give you the same respect. To be brutally honest most of the people I have listed as friends have only been there for 2 months or so....spite mainly.

Who ever said that I would only be there for you if there weren't other people in your life??? It wasn't that but the dishonesty of it. That coupled with the fact that it was easier to let me go than try and explain and see if I would get over it. We addressed this the other night so I don't see much point in going over it agian. I thought things had been ironed out and we would move on from there. Which is why I was worried when I hadn't heard from you. You should have left it that you would get around to talking to me again in the next few weeks, when you could work me in. After all I'm a number right. So then if I hadn't heard boo from you in a month or so I would have asked what was up, or would that have still been accusing????

I feel as though I am all given out. I am a person too. I have needs. When does it get around to that? I am not saying that over the years you have done nothing. What I am saying is that I feel I constantly am there for your needs. Like a toy on a shelf. When life makes you feel bad or you need a pick me up I get taken down because you know I will make you feel better. I know you weren't always like that. Maybe you are a monster of my own making. Maybe I blew hot air up your ass so much that it inflatted your head and now you think you are King Dick.

Apparently you feel like I'm asking you for accounts and I know I feel like you think I have no right to talk to you if I am the one who initiates it so I don't see where there is anything left. We should look forward to talking, make each other feel better, and enjoy one another. Not be on the defense or wonder if anything will be taken wrong or offend.

I have taken your number off my phone, erased the messages now so when I do it later I won't accidently resend one and you wonder about it, removed your Birthday for the same reason, and taken you off yahoo so that I won't be looking for a message from you or by seeing your name up there be tempted to send you one. I have done this because I'm not going to ask for your friendship. I have given you everything I have to give. I just bared my soul to you. I'm as open as a book. The rest is up to you. Should you feel like a friendship...fine. You have to make that move. I feel I've done all I can, not to mention I have no idea what to do next anyway.

I know this is risky. I know you tend to let things go rather than fix them but such is life. I will miss you should you decide to do that. I was very at peace about things last Monday. It felt good to know that we were ok. I was excited to know that it was fine just being ME. That I didn't have to keep searching for "special" in order to be good enough. You weren't 'larger than life' and I wasn't 'a church mouse.' It felt nice after feeling so bad about where that situation had left off the last time. This is just too soon. I can't go back to all that so soon. I don't want to go through a 'you did this' and 'you said that' situation. If you feel there are things to clerify I will give you that much respect and we can talk about them though.

I feel that after saying so much this letter should have a better ending but I just can't come up with one. I guess mostly because I don't want an end. I'm scared. I know I've commited myself to this being our last comunication, that's initiated by me that is. I'm scared that I'll never hear back from you, that I'll never know your views, that I'll never see you again, that I'll just never...know. That I've layed everything out and that you'll walk away. I've never been one to gamble which makes it all the harder to push the send button. I'm sitting here mindlessly rambling on in order to avoid clicking it because after that there isn't any turning back. As much as I might miss you or want to talk to you I will respect your ending...that and a little pride too.

Here it all is, do with it what you will. If it's to be that we never talk again, I want you to know that you have been a very dear friend to me. I have cared for you so very much. I'm sorry I didn't meet with you more. I would have enjoyed not just feeling you but having you close, your eyes and your smile. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure out something that was so simple. I think we were great friends even if we didn't see each other often. You made me smile many times when I didn't think I could manage even a sigh. You were so often the person I could come to about things that bothered me. I just knew you would be the one with the answer. Sometimes there wasn't an answer but I knew you could make me feel better.

I hope I filled these voids for you as well
...........................Melissa