I would like to talk about the frustration of not taking the opportunity to live a gay experience wen it was presented to me.

My first experience of male relationships was when as a boy I was attending a boarding school in preparation to becoming a Catholic Brother in a teaching order. I can only remember the headmaster calling me into his room in the dormitory to tell me off for something I had ddone - but can I remember it ? I have no recollection of what happened in that room but the next day I was confined to the sick bay a separate room and vividly remember standing naked on the bed watching my self masturbate in the wall mirror. Had he introduced me to the joys of self abuse - as would have called it - or was it something that suddenly happened to me. I would love to know the answer but I could not submit myself to the techniques of Recovere Memory Syndrome.

Later in a firther stage of my training I became friendly with another student and our Saturday afternoons meant going for a walk in the woods, buying a beer and then 'innocently' smacking each other over our shorts with twigs picked up in the woods. This was exciting in the context of the times and led to the occacional private - only me - masturbation. We then progressed tovisiting each other rooms to massage our backs but the day he invited me to take down his shorts and view his penis I panicked and did not visit his room again.

However a male relationship did not woory me and I decided that 'I was going to do it' but with someone else. We both laid on the bed in my room - fully clothed in clerical garb - and agreed we would. Unfortunately as soon as he touched me over my clothes I came. He decided that I was too emotional and left and now I regret that I have never had the chance to touch male flesh.

I would welcome any comments or suggestions to relieve my regrets.