ok folks time for some jokes, feel free to post some!
young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her," the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," the boss replied, "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants off, I'm not mad anymore."
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A pharmacy in my home town was robbed yesterday, but all that was stolen was a large bottle of Viagra.... now the police are looking for the hardend criminals.
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A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy,
I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

The Pharmacist

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist

18 Rules Between Men and Women

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any given time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks ackbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5

A Man's Prayer

Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the lamb chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Who says men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee
in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car making love?"

"Yes, I remember, said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun
in my face and said, "either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
"I would have gotten out today."

The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him, as much as he bargined, said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"

"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.

At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "Your agent's at door selling tickets."

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not
much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our
wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and
cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's
impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to
know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I
mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs.
Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst
into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the
market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra.
I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just
like they were on our wedding night. I think this will
work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to
lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while
he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun
intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked
me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking
about him. But, have to admit it's very nice -- I don't
think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday,
instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend
as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down
there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only
take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing
the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to
do? I feel tacky all over...

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living
with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning
hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a
complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up,
cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps
coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's
like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly
walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again,
I'll kill the jerk.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is
working. I even started dressing like a nun but this
just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to
everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him
and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I
told him to go screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I
hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might
try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference... Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in
front of the TV all day with that remote control in his
hand and expects me to do everything for him. What
absolute bliss!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN or MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: (2003 version)

01. She is not a BABE or a CHICK -
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

02. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER -
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

03. She is not EASY -
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

04. She is not DUMB -
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

05. She has not BEEN AROUND -
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

06. She is not an AIRHEAD -
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

07. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY -
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

08. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS -
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

09. She does not NAG YOU -
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10.She is not a SLUT -
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11.She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
1
2.She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE -
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
01. He does not have a BEER GUT -
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

02. He is not a BAD DANCER -
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

03. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME -
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

04. He is not BALDING -
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

05. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER -
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

06. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

07. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS -
He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

08. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG -
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

09. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT -
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

10.He is not HORNY -
He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

We start to bud in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption that boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens or sooner. Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage, premarital or not, is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod pushed into your uterus through your nostrils. (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.)

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are, and we are, we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. In-Labor. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 more) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the asshole (and husband) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling b! all through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that cute wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. The teen years... Need I say more?

The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid 30's to early 40's while husband had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks?

I love being a woman (call me crazy) but "Womanhood" would even make the Great Gandhi more spiteful!!! And they say women are the "weaker sex". HA!

Three women who work in the same office
notice that their female boss has started
leaving work early every day, so one day
they decide that after she leaves, they'll
take off early, too. After all, she never
calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early.
She does a little gardening, watches a
movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get
in a quick workout at her health club before
meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home
early, but as she goes upstairs she hears
noises coming from her bedroom. She
quietly opens the door a crack and is
mortified to see her husband in bed with
HER BOSS! Ever so gently she closes
the door and creeps out of the house.

The next day the brunette and redhead
talk about leaving early again, but when
they ask the blonde if she wants to
leave early also, she exclaims,
"NO WAY! yesterday I almost got caught!"

1. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

2. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

3. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

4. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.

5. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

6. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

7. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

8. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

A Woman's Dream

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LOL! I see where this thread is going. You're trying to make me pee my pants.....aren't ya?

__________________
Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~

Woman: A Chemical Analysis

Attached Images

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We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = Sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want...
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say
whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as hockey, food, or sex.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping