I figured this the place to ask a question that's been plagueing me for the better part of 4 yrs and has just come to a head recently,... Just to let you know I'm fresh out of college and one of those years I roomed with a good friend... now this good friend was in my "frat" and is a truely good friend, and unfortuneatly for me I met his g/f from HS... a little background she dated him since she was a soph in HS, I graduated the same time as her, however he is a year older than her. I know it seems like small change to a few, but for now just realize that it's bigger for me. I got to know (we'll call him B)B and (we'll call her M)M for an entire summer of cookouts and drinking... and I mean every night I was with them for a 3 month period... Even then B was not very nice in M in public (however I hear in private that might be different and everyone knew it). Fast forward a year she breaks up with him, FUCKING up his whole world, and I saw it in his eyes.. truely you'd just have to know him to see the confusion and hurt in his eyes, his everything was gone, and you have to realize usually this guy shows no emotion. They get back together when he agrees to change, and he does.... for a year... and now it's back the same thing.. however he's 100 lbs heavier, she's 20 lighter, and I'm 30 lbs lighter. Now during this time we have formed one hell of a small group of friends. "We" as in M and two other really close friend have been having a blast for the past few months because B refuses to leave his nearby hometown because of various seethrough excuses. Most of the excuses include "His dog", "Class projects" (oh by the way in school he was a year older than myself and M, and both of us graduated a year before B, B was a fulltime student the whole time, and we were graduated ontime), M and I have been "REALLY" good friend for 4 yrs now and I can say right now I have never been so comfortable with someone in my entire life, and I can't deny the physical side that is there very much. She and I mess so very well that it's just plain wrong that we can't be a couple. And B has been screwing up time and time again for 2 years.

And now my question,... How can I, or Should I,...
Break up an 8yr relationship, and in so doing shaking up the fabric of ALL of our close friendships (btw ALL of our friends are so very close and it would create a rift) or should I pursue the girl that I know and have known for a few years now that she is the perfect girl for me and I'm rather certain she agrees.

Something to take into mind, I might have accidentally told her I loved her in a "non-serious" way and she has called me thrice since then...

But if he doesn't have her he emotionally and mentally is nothing... but still a guy I like hanging out with, and don't wish to hurt,...

But I can honestly say I love her... and have said so for the better part of 2 yrs...

Complicated I know, and I appreciate you sticking around for the finaly... and I hope you will leave some feedback, and maybe an answer for me.... GOD I need help.... PLEASE

Sounds to me like your grasping for straws as far as reasons to break them up. He's a year older, he's gained weight, he is still in school, he doesn't go out of town with you two, ect. ect.

Fact is those should be non-issues for you. Not to mention they sound petty at best. Obviously she doesn't mind them enough for it to be an issue between them, so why should you?

I realize you have feelings for her, but the fact remains, she's still your friend's girlfriend. So be a friend to both of them and stay out of it. If he is mistreating her, she will realize it sooner or later. If you treat her good and with respect she will realize that too. So who's to say what will happen down the road. But you making a move and breaking them up is the wrong answer.

Ever think that she might just think you were a jerk for ruining her relationship with him??? Just a thought.

If he's beating on her or being abusive that's a different story, but doesn't sound like you have anything other than your own emotions as a reason for them not to be together.

In my humble opinion.

I've gotta agree with darogle on this one. You don't want to end up in a "shoot the messenger" position. Just continue to be the fantastic friend to her that you are, and if she and him are not meant to be, things will die off on their own, and you'll still be there

I agree with what daroogle said...when I was reading your post I kept thinking "good for you (less weight, out of school, etc. etc.), but what's that got to do with them?"

You think he's bad for her. You think you're better for her. You want it so much it hurts. But if you thought it was the right thing for anyone BUT you, Babe, you'd have done it already. She's got 8 years of history she's gotta get out of her system. She's doing it at her own pace. A friend might be the one to tell her B's not the one or that she can do better....a friend isn't the guy who mixes her up more by offering himself in B's place. 'Cause then....all this angst and confusion you've got now? You've given it all to her, all wrapped up with an even more guilt ridden bow. Not kind.

Two simple things to add.....first, if you and her are meant to be, it'll happen. Doesn't have to be now. Second, I don't know if it's the obsession with M...or that she really does dominate your personal social landscape as much as you describe....but it sounds to me like you've had her and her semi-functioning relationship front and center in your life for a damned long time now. Maybe, just MAYBE, the thing for you to do is spend some time with a woman more available. I don't doubt that she's the most "comfortable" person to be with...but it's not clear to me that you've given the rest of the gender a chance.

Just random thoughts....take 'em for what they're worth.

What they said --------^

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If I've never made it clear before...I am going to do it now! You guys ^^^^ are some of the wisest people I have ever had the pleasure to "meet"...bar NONE!

GeorgiaBeau? Pay STRONG heed to the advice above! It is given in it's purest form of good intention from a group of people who have been there and back. Use their wisdom and experience! It is the smartest thing you will ever do for yourself! If only more young-uns would take a word from the wise and not think of it as "us" trying to keep them in their place...life would be much easier for them!

Even if the answers you find here are not what you sought...they are answers given as to what is best!

One more thing...have you not heard of the creed of trust amoung men? Never...and I mean EVER...go after your best friend's G/F...unless you don't want him for a "friend" anymore. I put quotation marks around friend because...what kind of friend would do such a thing and still expect to be worthy of friendship from anyone...including the girl you go after?

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Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~

I think it is funny I ahd posted a thread on this same subject even when I had gotten burned badly when I was in the same situation with a girl in college.

The answer is to leave them alone, back away slowly and don't look back. Trust me once you stop lusting after your friend's girl you will kick yourself over all the cuties who wanted to get to know you better. I know because I do it all the time.

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Well sir that seems to be someone else's problem.

I have a set of friends who are currently divorcing. They've been together in some form for 11 years. The girl is my best friend, and the one thing I can tell you from personal experiance as the friend, is not to lie to anyone.

Best friend that she is, she told us all a different story, told her parents a story, and expected that none of us would learn what was really going on.

Over all, I'm the one she was the most honest with, but that's not saying much with the tales she decided to tell. It was completly out of character for her to leave at all, but, I can also understand the need to get out of a relationship.

Sit down, and say it honestly, and don't hide details from one person that you tell another. And especially don't do it if you want them to keep it a secret without them knowing it's supposed to be a secret.

For example, don't tell one friend one day that you met another guy, and then deny it to a different friend the next day, only to have those two talk and find out otherwise.

My friend burned a LOT of bridges in her mad dash out of a marriage. I support her desicion to get out, as a friend, but as a person, she chose a really shitty way of doing things, and hurt a lot of people.

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My Corset Pictures My Feathers My Legs My 'get to know me' pics
Love's Bitch, the writings of my mind

I'm going to start out with an apology, I've had computer issues for quite awhile an I apologize for not having gotten to this thread more recently.....
Now...

darogle:I can understand what you are saying, and of course he isn't physically abusive, however he is emotionally abusive and she's quite the submissive type and will accept that ad infinitum, but I fear it will wear on her and "of course in my mind" I see a nasty end to it...

GInger: People have told her, and she's said it numerous times unprovoked (albeit in a joking manor, save the look on her face), and she has been a bit of an obsession for a number of years but it's not like I'm overboard or psycho, if anything I try to ignore her more than anyone (because of B), But of all the crushes I've ever had this one has by far been the longest and the hardest to forget and still it continues....

Lixy: The guy creed has lost it's bravado as of late because in the last five months she's come down to see us at least twice a month and he's come down to visit... okay well he hasn't.

CunningLinguist: I have distanced myself from her for the better part of 4 years..

Gilly: I've never lied, I've just never told the truth. And not doing so is what really burns me...

THAT BEING SAID:... I very much appreciate y'all's take in the matter.. You've echoed much of what I've thought to myself however didn't wan't to accept. The Thread came on the heels of a fantastic weekend with her (as one of my closest friends). And I appreciate each and every response and your advise was heartfelt and appreciated. Perhaps it's much harder to give advice when one isn't in the midst of the whole thing. And yes as I've done in the past, I'm just going to tuck my feelings away again and search for Miss. Right. And hopefully in the future maybe they'll break up, however I fear it's going to be a divorce, and I can pursue things if needed and possible.

Anywho, Thank y'all very much for your advise and keep it coming,
GeorgiaBeau...

I wanted to clarify that I wasn't implying that I thought you would. Just that in the past week, I've gotten more out of her, so.. well, it burnt.

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My Corset Pictures My Feathers My Legs My 'get to know me' pics
Love's Bitch, the writings of my mind

... the only reason it ever burnt was because I didn't want to say anything to her in fear that she might screw up the flow between all of "our" friends... however everytime I see her I do want to tell her...

Agreed with the advice from Darogle, naughtyangel, et. al.

Good luck, dude. Patience may win this one for you...


rabbit

My philosophy has always been, "What's meant to be will be." If it's meant for you two to be together, she will eventually make the decision to break it off with him, and then you can make your true feelings known. I think you'd be risking everything: love, friendship, and life as you know it, if you tried driving a wedge between these two. I don't believe it's your place. No one ever said love was fair. It's a game that we all play, and unfortunately, we can't all be winners. Good luck to you.

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To the world you might be one person, but to one person, you might just be the world.

A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.

I'm far to impatient for "fate"...

Past two weeks I've been with M all weekend(s)....
I still love her I can't get her off my mind.... I think about her pretty much all the time.... and it doesn't help that I listen to country radio all the time.... but she is honestly the kind of person I can picture myself with.... How do I find a girl like that with the rather limited social crowd that I hang out with??