These are the real deal.



Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
This week's revelations will be especially mortifying for you, seeing as how you've been insisting for years that life is not some sort of big pie-eating contest.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit it's all been the cat's fault.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll suddenly be torn away from your friends and cast out of the only home you've ever known by the authorities, who will insist your sentence is over and you're free to go.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Just as you've always suspected, it is in fact a felony to use your particular method of "getting girls."

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Next week will be a time of magical romance and unending joy for you, thanks to your boundless talent for self-delusion.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're going to need a lot of Epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn't like the time with the horse laxatives.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Someday you may learn that it is indeed possible to take a fun thing too far, but not before next week's experimentation with autoerotic asphyxiation.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your combined proclivities toward paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life's lowest echelons from behind the scenes.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
In a wacky horoscopic mix-up, you'll encounter a mysterious stranger who takes you on a journey over water just as you're trying to start new projects at work.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Keep extra apples and ban-dages around the house next week, as your lover seems to be going through a William Tell phase.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
There will be nothing you can do to avert the disaster of next week, although there will be plenty that a reasonably bright and competent person could do.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Gotta love the Onion.

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On the kinkometer, my kink measures as a sine wave.

Just what I need! A fat insurance policy and a legally blind spouse in a William Tell phase!

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Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

Could be worse WI....My way of getting girls seems to be a felony. Bummer

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Mine is pretty funny (Taurus), but the one from a couple weeks ago really made me rofl: "While it is true that all-knowing God sees every sparrow that falls, He finds it a lot more amusing to watch you tumble down the stairs a couple times a week."

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Si à travers nos veines coule encore le sang...
Si dans les jeux d'enfants on entend encore l'accent...
Si nous sentons encore l'espoir de nos grands-parents...
Si dans les voiles du large souffle encore le vent...
Y'a jamais eu de Grand Dérangement.

too funny.

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Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose