Hi all, i need some advise. My finance and I have been together for over 2 1/2 years. We have both been divorced once. She works in a male dominated profession as a civil engineer. Before we got together, she has had a male coworker that is a very good friend. They have never been physical, but he definitely has feelings for her. On their last business trip, when several of them were eating out and having a few beers, they were walking back to the hotel. He mentioned to her that she could take her shower for the evening in his room. She laughed it off and called me to tell me. The other day, early in the morning he called her on her cell phone while we were getting ready to go to work. I did not think anything by it as he calls a couple times a week. He has taken a promotion and no longer works out of the same office.
The problem arises when i get a text message on my cell that she meant to send to him. It reads, "Good Morning! Sorry I couldn't talk this morning but C (insert my name) was there. But, anyway, I really do miss you. It was ok when I knew you were just upstairs. Have a good day."

When i confronted her about it, she said that the text was taken out of context. That he had said to her on a message yesterday that he missed seeing her and going to lunch together. She was just saying that she missed having him around too.

Should i believe and continue to trust her? Or am i jusified in my doubts in her and think about ending this.

Please any help would be greatly appreciated.

The message seems to be innocent enough....No remards of sexual innuendos or anything...

But you never know..I would definetely speak to her..(communication is the key)..and just come right out and ask her if she is having an affair with this fellow....Or if you feel brave enough talk to him man to man..as mature adults.

Or...like the saying goes..."If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."


I wish you the best of luck.....

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*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

You should have a serious discussion with her. The text message could be innocent but if you have feeling it's not, you deserve peace of mind that can only come from discussing it with her.

Jealousy is just wrong, what good will confronting her do, if she lied to you once she will just do it again, you worrying about it only makes you bothered by it not her....if you just keep loving her like you were before then you have done right.

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Love...the slowest form of suicide.

Only you know what you need to do to sleep at night. If you can't let it go, you're going to have to talk to her. But I'd be careful about how you put it, "I don't trust you" is a pretty big bat to swing at someone you've asked to share your life. You can do damage with it.

But let me ask a different sort of question (ones I don't want or expect the answers to, just things for you to think about)....are you the sort who often suspects his girlfriends of sleeping around on him? Was cheating somehow involved in your divorce or in previous breakups? Is this the only reason you have to doubt her? Because if you're piling up some yes's here....you might be projecting doubt onto a perfectly solid relationship....and you might need to do some work on your own place in the relationship. It's not entirely uncommon for people who have been burned before to develop "sudden suspicions" as a way of distancing/protecting themselves from deepening feelings/vulnerability. Not saying it's true, just a thought.

These are not compatible.

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either you trust her.. or you don't. Without trust... what good is the relationship??

Ask her, if she denies it then trust in her and put your doubts to rest... if you can't do that... then maybe it is best to walk away now.. before you find yourself divorced twice.

I've started to reply to this thread so many times and have stopped!

There are wise words above........some of which I agree with and some of which I don't......but there are some really good questions you need to ask yourself as well!

The one and only question that hasn't been asked of you (of which, does not require a public reply) is.......

All the incidences leading up to this hasn't bothered you (ie: his keeping contact with her and calling a few times weekly and knowing full well he is attracted to her and asking her to shower in his room....etc. etc. etc.).......but this one (her cell message) seems monumental (even life altering)........why?

As I said....I had a hard time replying to this thread.....(for personal reasons).....but I wanted to put that question out there...for you to ponder! Good Luck and Welcum to the wonderful world of Pixies!!!

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Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~

I rather suspect something is up.



This is what bothers me. If there's something she can talk about with him but not if you are there there's a problem!

My $$ goes on the YES vote. Unless its your birthday where you turn 25, 30, 40, 50 etc, there is no real reason to text a message saying "I can't talk because <name> is here" or whatever. Honestly, ask yourself (everyone) if you text/told/phoned someone that you couldn't talk because your other half was there, would it really be for the right reason? What could possibly need to be said in private that you couldn't openly discuss with your other half in your presence?

Anyway, I know most won't agree judging by previous posts. Sorry about that, but unless he's wacky about girlfriends cheating on him, I'd place my bet on it. Women, like men, can have weak moments (although I suspect us guys have a lower weakness threshold) and do the "wrong" thing. You can get worn down by the constant badgering and just give in.

Another option you may try without confrontation or other heartbreaking mind wringing is to try a P.I. An investigator can do a lot of work on your behalf. Go on with your life as normal. If she's cheating, you'll have evidence. If not, you get evidence for peace of mind.

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Read my lips
Watch all the words that drips
If you not care
Don’t even dare
To say what I am
Without dismiss the picture of me from the canvas

just to shed some light on things. when she told you about the proposal about him, how did you take it? did you get jealous and grumpy or laugh it off? maybe depending on how you reacted whenever he is brought up, that is why she said she couldn't talk because of you?

granted that it sucks that she has to hide her calls talking to him from you, but i had a roomate once who's boyfriend would go balistic whenever her ex called her. now, she had everything in check, no feelings for him but wanted to be his friend, but her bf at the time would go crazy whenever he found out the ex called.

so, that being said as with everyone else so far, do what you feel you must. and if you can trust her then do so.

ask yourself if it matters in the long run. The important question are the 2 of you happy the way your relationship is now. if either of you were not then there is a bigger problem with the relationship and that is what you would need to talk about. stay focused in the now because what you create in your mind may become reality in the future.

Sheila and I have discussed this question -- and I would like to say that we trust each other as much as anyone could, she palys her games with people, as do I (mostly openly, and in front of each other), however, we do not go any further, without talking of it first. We are very much in agreement before anything is ventured. I understand, however, that most relationships are not this open. I really have to agree with pantyfanatic on this point --- the cell phone message would make anyone (including us) suspicious.
Best advise is to decide for yourself how well you trust her. I do also agree, that trust is the basis for any good relationship (as a close second would be open/honest disscussion, -- on ANY subject)

Best wishes for you !!!
John/Sheila

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