At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred stallion, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred stallion IS DEAD????"

"Si, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord, Ernesto!! What fire are you talking about, man??"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"

"Si, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her head with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 540 golf club."



SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE..........



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep +@#%.!"

I was looking at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap Apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa> bed, and watched a little 10-inch Black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old chick!

Now I have a $500,000 Home, A $45,000 Car, nice big bed, and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old Woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year old chick, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't Older Women great? They really know how to solve your Mid-Life Crisis !

Subject: Underwear Dust
Underwear dust
>
> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
> 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
> would take a few inches off of your butt!'
>
> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
> comment go unrewarded.
>
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
> 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
> appeared when he shook them out.
> 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder
> in my underwear?'
>
> She replied ..'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted!

__________________

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

The art of living dangerously.


Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A man came home from work and found his three children
outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with
empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front
yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to
the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into
the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel,
and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of
clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was
spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog
food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the
table, and a small pile of sand was spread by
the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more
piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she
might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way
out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet
towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles
of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared
over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up
in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at
him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here
today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you
come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all
day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly.
The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Warning: ^^^ this technique will only work once

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Did you send this to IowaMan. Might warn him not to use bleach.

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to relieve themselves. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin it. Looking around, she was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'"

__________________
I love the night
I love the element of danger and the ecstasy of flight,
I love the night
I love to dance with a stranger and to feel his delight,
And when the dancing is through, I kick off my shoes,
And I listen to the beating of his heart

Martha lost her husband 3 weeks ago, She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table.

The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.

She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money! '

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'






"As promised, Here it comes!!!"

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceaseds wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blonde mortician a blank check and says, I dont care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, Whatever this cost, Im very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I m very grateful. How much did you
spend?






To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
check.
Theres no charge, she says.
No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit! she says.
Honestly, maam, the blonde says, it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in shortly after
you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his
wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and
she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.





So I just switched the heads.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Job at FBI - The right woman for the job

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair Kill her!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Don't mess with women.

And they think you're kidding.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating