I may be one of the 2.867% that finds ^^^ that funny...

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

I'm a numbers guy. Always like math and don't know why. I thought it was funny as well Scotz.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Now we only need to find the 0.867 to get a clear picture of who these strange folk are.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. ONE AFTERNOON THE

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and, in the water floated, of all things, a condom.

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's strange floater, but soon, it got the best of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease."

"Do you know ... I haven't had teh flu all winter."

Two guys drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that a moose has sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Ah shit," says his friend, "and I just joined the Elks".

"Two inmates were waiting to go up before the parole board. The first inmate says to the second that he doesn't think he has much chance of getting out. The second inmate says, 'There's a sure-fire way for a good-looking bloke like you to make parole - proposition the chief warden's wife. You'll be out straightaway.' 'Don't be ridiculous,' says the first inmate. 'Everyone knows you can't end a sentence with a proposition."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.

Daryl is driving over the West Gate Bridge one day when he sees

his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:

"Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself"

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

"Shazza", he says

"Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too















and drives off.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold

a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr
old

what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place...

smack his arse again!"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully
Steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
Rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude
Bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the Traffic
becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
Vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"
"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by The
road?" he asks.
Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde.
"Those are my emergency flashers!"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern
University.


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached
it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look
on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events
of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while
staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.





Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

All Wal-Marts in Alabama have sold out of ammunition!


Alabamans just found out Russia invaded Georgia.


They intend to hold them off at the border.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

he 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,

'the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied,

'now just rest and let the poison work.'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

THE REAL OLD WEST

A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learning' something' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your arse, and it won't hurt as much

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Thanks soda.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating