A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..





Wait for it ... ....





It's coming ..... .....




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She said ... ...:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

That was really bad. Just..........bad. LOL.

__________________
"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They've imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs




















They're going to drill for their own oil.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, an American, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss walked into to a nightclub.

The doorman said ,








"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Not sure if this one is here already but Mr. Lil sent it to me-

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"


Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.


There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.


Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.


Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.


Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.


Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.


Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.


What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.


General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.


The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.


A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.


Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort.'


Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'


Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'


And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Ba rum bum bump.

__________________
"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

"Hey bartender, how about fix'n me a 'Bin Laden'!

"Never heard of it. WTF is that?"

"Two shots and a splash of water!"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right gumboot, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jee Paddy, ye frightened the livin' out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor..........

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Groan ...




Actually, it was cute ... just felt like groaning a bit.

Police Raid in Tennant Creek

Police in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory just announced the
discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds
of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonnes of
heroin, $5 million in forged Australian banknotes and 25 trafficked
Indonesian and Thailand prostitutes all in a Housing Commission house behind
the Public Library in Tennant Creek.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said:
"We're shocked. We never knew we had a fucking Library!!!"

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse?

What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."


SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

__________________
Eudaimonia

What's the difference between a Rock guitarist & a Jazz guitarist?

A Rock guitarist gets to play 3 chords for 1000's of people...

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.


When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


'You sign! You sign!'


Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:







(It's a beauty)






(Wait for it)




(Get your best Chinese accent ready)










'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating