Truth.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Too true

__________________

Love it.

Wife asks husband: How many women have you slept with?

Husband replies: Only you, darling. With all the others I was awake.




Hosptial visiting hours are from 10AM to 4PM.

Some people will do anything to have a crack at a nurse, or is that to have at a nurse's crack?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Got this from Irish and thought it was cute ...

-----

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."

All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece

When it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."

Her mother says,

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,

You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion

You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,

You get $2,000 a week allowance,

You take 6 vacations a year and

You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?"

Now that's a Jewish mother!!!

Echoes of the economy?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I saw this on facebook and had to share.

Attached Images

Animal diary.jpg (121.0 KB, 53 views)

__________________
"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly.

"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons".

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.

"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner?

Its the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.

Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. Problem Solved!

Thank you for that timely advice, Dicksbro.

__________________

Those of you who worry about Republican vs Democrat, relax. Here is our real problem:

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.

It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her Opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in Our elections! They multiply and they walk among us.

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"




I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"





Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"





MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

Man I'm glad I don't live on your street.

On mine, she doesn't have a dog, so I figure I'm a winner.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says: 'who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later an AMG
Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with
grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes
and enters the house.



He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells
them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
responsibility for my actions. I will pay all costs and provide for your
daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will
bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a
$2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a
factory and $2,000,000 each. Finally, for causing such social embarrassment
and distress to you both, I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation,
my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any
time. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a
hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: 'You root her again.'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating