I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”


Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

^^^^ Now those are cute.

Goodies all were they.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

“I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

PARAPROSDOKIANS: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation" (i.e. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian).

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. I asked God for a new car, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a car, and asked for forgiveness.

16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

17. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

18. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, a target.

22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

25. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

26. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

27. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

28. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

A friend of mine says he is making love to twins.
I said ' How can you tell the difference?'
He said ' Her brother has got a moustache".

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same as intercourse?

2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4. What word starts with 'f ' and ends with 'u-c-k'?

5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in ' u-n-t ' and one of which is a word for a woman?

6. What does a dog do that you can step into?

7. What four-letter word begins with 'f' and ends with' k', and if
you can't get one you can use your hands?

8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9. What four-letter word ends in 'it ' and is found on the bottom
of birdcages?

10. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men
than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?









Answers:

1. talk
2. legs
3. a $20 bill
4. firetruck
5. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. pants
7. fork
8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. grit
10. surname

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?


Brace yourself; this is going to hurt ! !! !! !


“


“


“


“


“


“


“


'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy...

Sounds to me like she's ....... been sweeping around!!!

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.

We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Student: "Should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "No."
Student: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."



A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."



A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

^^^^ Good ones!