Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?

His friend, says "Damn! I just joined the Knights of Columbus."

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Eudaimonia

Gotta admit, Elks seem to have a good recruitment incentive. But, what can one expect, they do live the "wild" life.

I think they are just more horny.

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Oh deer.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery but, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal Sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.

The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?”

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me*that after having their tonsils out."

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Eudaimonia

I have always had a difficult time distinguishing between “complete” and “finished”, but I recently read an explanation that is easy to understand.

When you marry the right partner, you are “complete”.
If you marry the wrong partner, you are “finished”.

Finally, when the right partner catches you with the wrong partner, you are “completely finished”.

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Eudaimonia

Wise words

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Truth.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds ... only 15 to go ...

2. Ate salad for dinner ... mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just on big round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... and cheese. FINE ... it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza.

3. I just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...

4. How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some meat.

5. I don't mean to brag, but ... I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented ... hmmm ... I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70 ... I learn something new every day ... and forget five others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money ... so I woke up and searched with him.

13. My dentist told me I needed a Crown ... so I said, "You bet,pour my over rocks."

14. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

"JUST REMEMBER, ONCE YOU'RE OVER THE HILL YOU BEGIN TO PICK UP SPEED."

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Eudaimonia

Only a little bit close to the bone, DB.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I know, OF, kinda struck me that way, too!

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble* now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther!* I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

This made me smile!

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs*. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"