1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.



2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Ugly: She's a lawyer.



3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.



4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them.



5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.



6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than you.



7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your

daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.



8. Good: The postman's early.

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.



9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.

Bad: It's another man.

Ugly: He's your best friend.



10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.

Bad: As a hooker.

Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.

Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Ok, very very very tacky, but I can't help myself...

Top 15 Euphemisms for Women "Getting their Period"

15. Miss Scarlet's Come Home to Tara

14. Trolling for Vampires

13. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy

12. Saddlin' Ole' Rusty

11. Feelin' Mestru-riffic

10. Clean-up in Aisle One

9. Massacre at the Y

8. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding

7. Game Day for the Crimson Tide

6. "Pantie Shields Up, Captain"

5. Taking Carrie to the Prom

4. Playing the Banjo in St. Zygote's Ragtime Band

3. Ordering le'Omelette Rouge

2. Arts and Crafts Week at Pantie Camp

1. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Funny but very tacky but usually the best jokes are

__________________
:3: Life is just one Fucking thing after another..

Satan

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you’re still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years".

This is really true but worth putting it here anyway

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now you know:

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8-1/2 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did they use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8-1/2 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses!

Now the "rest of the story"

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through the tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only a pair of underwear made of Saran™ Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts"!




TY, TY.........Don't applaud...just throw money!......LOL..............Mrs. Lix

__________________
VENI, VEDI, VELCRO (I came, I saw, I stuck around)!

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
i love this joke
tho i would want to take kevin home and get into the habit

A crusty old Marine Corps colonel found himself at a gala event that
was hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time or is something bothering you?"
"Negative," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said.
"You know, you should lighten up a little -- relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex ?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well there you go -- you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously -- I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?
"The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Don't know. It's only 2130..."

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" Benjamin Franklin
*******************
My Stories:
Dream Date
Just Desserts
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 1
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 2
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 3
RAVISHED!!
My Birthday - A Fantasy

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her

reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell

me now.

Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."


The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy,

and I admire that. But you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot
attend

church for three months. Be off with you now."


Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"


"Three month's vacation and five good leads!" says Tommy.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" Benjamin Franklin
*******************
My Stories:
Dream Date
Just Desserts
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 1
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 2
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 3
RAVISHED!!
My Birthday - A Fantasy

sorry ive got to post this one which a friend sent me

The lost Dr Seuss Poem

I Love My Job!

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love the office and it's location
I hate to have to go on vacation
I love the furniture, drab and grey,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell,
There is nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software.
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each programme and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the firm, I am.
I love this work,
I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to

__________________
That is not dead which can eternal lie
Yet within strange eons even death may die
H.P.Lovecraft

and another one hope you enjoy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
> the one in charge.
> "I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's
> systems, so without me nothing would happen".
>
> I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
> over, so without me you'd all waste away."
>
> "I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I process food and
> give all of you energy."
>
> "I should be in charge," said the legs, " because I carry the body
> wherever it needs to go."
>
> "I should be in charge," said the eyes, " because I allow the body to see
> where it goes."
>
> "I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for
> waste removal."
>
> All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
> huff, he shut down tight.
>
> Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
> bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.
> They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
>
> The Moral of the story? Assholes are usually in charge ..

__________________
That is not dead which can eternal lie
Yet within strange eons even death may die
H.P.Lovecraft

good one scorpi... also a good moral to the story is:
You don't have to be a brain to be the boss...
Just an asshole....

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

MARRIAGE

I don't think it's that bad, do you? You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." W.W.Renwick
-
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
-
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
-
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
-
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
-
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
-
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
-
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
-
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
-
Young Son: Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
-
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
-
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire. " "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
-
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second Marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
-
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

It's that time again . . . . . They are finally out. You know about The Darwin Awards: the annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And this years nominees are:

Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER IS.....
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.

It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet AssistedTake Off - actually a solid fuel rocket that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields). He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes and
completely melted them - blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the face of the cliff at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Oh my! That almost makes me not want to post my little joke here. But here goes. I hope i dont offend anyone by this.


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do

__________________
:3: Life is just one Fucking thing after another..