Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Lab and asked, "So why are you here?"

The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.

But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"

The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.

When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Black Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said

The Black Lab turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here? "

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.

I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm just here to get my nails clipped."

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Eudaimonia

rofl

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I love it, too.

It's a dog's life.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

That is so bad.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your

church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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Love it!

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) ?????***** *
*
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
*
Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
*
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
*
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
*
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs * (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
*
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
*
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery * (So true)
*
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death
*
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
*
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow * (Simple, but brilliant)
*
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U * (wtf!)
*
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie
*
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
*
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. * (That would work)
*
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
*
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
*
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.** (Irrefutable)
*
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight * (brilliant)
*
AND THE BEST IS LAST:::
*
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. * (now we’re getting somewhere)
*
*
OMG!...... Our society is doomed!

Sent to me by my brother-in-law.

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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.

“I am a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

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Now that's a good one!

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon
Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
bayside on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive
holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband
must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this
property."

The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route."

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Yuk yuk yuk. Lol

A paper route!! ^^^^^