A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to
a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The
priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

__________________
Do any of you girls like cowboys?



I'm at work and the firewall won't let me chat, Sigh...PM's and e-mail ok

Actual Instruction Labels...


ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

on a box of tooth picks
"Grasp one end firmly, insert other end between teeth and twist.
repeat for remaining teeth"

Instructions like this make me wonder WHO the inmates are...

__________________
"Quando Flunkus Moritatii" (I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.) - the Red Green Show



The best thing about taking a vacation, is all the heartfelt huggs received upon your return. - Murphy

"The more you love, the more you CAN love. There's no limit to how much you can love - or how many" Lazarus Long in "Time Enough for Love" - Robert A. Heinlein

sounds like mainly US instructions...


"mummy, mummy, do lemons have legs?"
"no."
"then I have squeezed out our canary bird"


"mummy, mummy, I´m sick!"
"why, it´s only the prewashing...?"


"mummy, mummy, how far is it until America?"
"shut up and continue swimming!"


"mummy, mummy, I don´t like Grandpa!"
"eat at last what you have on your plate!"


"mummy, mummy, I have found Grandma!"
"I told you not to dig below the roses!"

__________________
If every material thing is gone, my smile and my tears stay left.

how does osama bin laden practice safe sex ?
easy, he marks the camels that kick.

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself.

"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go
home and show her you're the boss."

The husband takes the doctor's advice.

He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist
in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on,
you're taking orders from me. I want my supper
right now, and when you get it on the table, go
upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight,
I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to
stay at home where you belong. And another thing,
guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a
shave, and tie my necktie?"

His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."

__________________
Do any of you girls like cowboys?



I'm at work and the firewall won't let me chat, Sigh...PM's and e-mail ok

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up
supplies for his farm.
He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a
bucket and an anvil.
Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to
carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in
one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616
Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to
defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't
hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

__________________
Do any of you girls like cowboys?



I'm at work and the firewall won't let me chat, Sigh...PM's and e-mail ok

a westerner went to book a flight to NY. he asked the woman "how much will that be" she said " one sec................that will be $320 including tax.
then the man asked "how long will the trip take" the woman said "one sec" the man said "wow that's great"

This may have been posted before, but I think it bears repeating...

"My RESIGNATION"

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I
have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8
year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a 'Four Star
Restaurant'.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree, and run a lemonade standwith my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you
knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and
good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be
oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the
little things again!!!!

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of
computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word,
truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card
bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood!!

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch
me first, cause.......




......"Tag! You're it."

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

(a lil insight into the culture of my home state)

You Know You're From Tennessee If......

1. You measure distance in hours.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
5. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
6. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,grain, or animal.
8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
9. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.
10. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
11. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
12. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
13. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
14. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
15. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
16. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
17. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
18. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer,Summer, Still Summer,and Christmas.
19. You know whether another Tennessean is from west, middle, or east Tennessee as soon as they open their mouth.
20. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
21. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin"or off to "Wally World."
22. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
23. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor
24. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Tennessee!

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for meself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks from each in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine", He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking....Hasn't affected me brothers though!"

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

seen on a wall "my mother made me a homosexual"
and writen below it"if i left the wool woul she make me
one

a man walks in to a bar and orders three double
vodkas and gulps them down.

the barman askes whats wrong

he replys that my older brother told me hes gay

24 hours later the same man walks in and orders
three double vodkas

the bar man askes now whats wrong

the man says my younger brother says hes gay to

the next day the man again walks in and orders three
double vodkas

the bar man say dam do any of your family sleep
with women

the man says yes my wife

i just loved these jokes when i found them

Full Of It

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly
buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a
large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had
been hours since her last meal and she was
feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the
irresistible delicacy and began to pig out.
She ate and ate...and then...she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed
her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times,
then attempted to fly away.
But alas...she had eaten far too much and could not
get off the ground.
Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation,
she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright
against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just
climb up that handle and jump off to become airborne
she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny
wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped
like a rock and splattered all over the floor.
Dead Fly.
What is the moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit."

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

It seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."

__________________
____________
Nubian

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,...Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,...but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for squirrel."