"I'm sorry. I just don't believe you. And if I can't believe
you, why should I trust you? How can I commit to you in
a relationship?"

Sophie had to admit that Malcolm had a point, but one far
too dangerous to concede. She sipped from her glass of
Argentinean white and placed it on the bench in front of
her just inside the shadow cast by the sunshade. She
pursed her lips and glanced around at the other couples
enjoying the late evening sun on the patio of the Black
Swan. Were their conversations as tense as those between
Malcolm and she?

"It was only the once, Malcolm," Sophie pleaded. "I
needed the money. It was very tempting."

"You see, I don't think it was just the once," Malcolm
continued.

"Why do you say that? Surely once would be enough? I
told you about Cum Babes International. Why should
there be any more?"

"I just don't believe you. It just doesn't hang together. All
those years between when you dropped out of college and
when you did your Accountancy course at Kingston, it
sounds like there was more than just odd-jobs and dingy
bedsits."

"What do you mean?" Sophie asked, knowing full well
from previous conversations exactly what he meant.

"There's the lifestyle you managed to afford. The drugs
and clothes and nights out. There's the fact that I don't
believe you'd necessarily have done just the one video.
And then," and here Malcolm lowered his voice, so that
no eavesdropper could hear him, "there's what you're like
in bed."

"In bed? I thought you loved me there best of all. You
said I was the best."

Malcolm sipped his glass of wine. He was clearly
flustered. "You are so much better than any of my other
girlfriends, and admittedly there were not that many
before you, that you're in a league of your own. Some of
the things you do!" Malcolm lowered his voice still
further "Your skill at, you know, fellatio and anal and
fisting and all that. The orgasms you get. And how loud
you shriek when you come! It's just not natural."

"It's because I like sex that I was tempted into making
that video," Sophie protested.

"I don't believe that your boyfriends at the time, or the
ones you've told me about, were likely to give you the
aptitude you've got."

"I'm a natural. I don't need training."

"I'm not stupid, Sophie," Malcolm said with a frown.
"I've seen a few pornos. I'm not totally ignorant. I can see
what you could have got up to. And when we're together
in bed, it's not like I'm with someone who once, from
innocence and greed, was tempted to give the odd
blowjob in front of the camera. It's like I'm with someone
who's done it all and knows all that she ever needs to
know."

Sophie gripped Malcolm's hand tightly in her own. "It
was only the once. You have to believe me."

Malcolm frowned again. He was breathing quite heavily.
The tension from this conversation was upsetting him.
"We're not living together. Yet. We're not committed to
getting married. Yet. But if we do make the next step?"

"I do so want us to, Malcolm," said Sophie with urgency
in her voice and eyes.

"?if we do, we need more trust. We need to be honest
with one another. And I'm not sure we have that."

"Oh, Malcolm. It just takes time!"

"We've been seeing each other for nearly six months now.
I've never ever had such an intense relationship with
anyone as I've had with you. Yet I feel I scarcely know
you at all. You only begrudgingly tell me anything about
your life before I met you. If I hadn't seen the cover of the
video in that second-hand store, would you ever have told
me about Cum Babes International Number 12? How am
I to know you weren't in all previous eleven titles?"

Malcolm was shaking. His wine was mostly untouched
and his gaze was wholly unfocused.

"Why does it upset you so much?" Sophie asked,
squeezing his hand.

Malcolm shook his head. "It just does. It's the trust thing.
I so want it to work for us. You're the best thing in my
life. You mean more than the accountancy firm, the house
in Richmond and everything else. I don't want to lose
you, but I sometimes think there's no choice."

"Don't upset yourself so much. Finish your drink. We can
go for a meal at that Italian restaurant. Or the Thai one.
Come on, love!"

"It's no good!" said Malcolm standing up. He slipped his
jacket back on. "I'm too upset. It's not working this
evening. It's best I leave you. I'll phone you tomorrow."

"You sure?" asked Sophie anxiously, gazing up at
Malcolm as he straightened his tie and slung the bag
holding his laptop over his shoulder.

"I will. Don't worry. It's just, I don't know, anxiety and
everything. I'll ring tomorrow morning."

Almost distractedly, Malcolm pecked Sophie on the
cheek, avoiding the attractions of her slightly opened
mouth, her tongue twitching between the deep red lips
and her perfect white teeth. He then strode off, not even
turning his head back, out of the patio towards the pub
car park where his BMW company car was parked.

Sophie watched him go with a sigh. She decided against
running after him. He needed to calm down and her
previous attempts at comforting him in these situations
had not always been successful. Anyway, she rather
relished the opportunity of sitting alone with her own
thoughts and reflections.

Malcolm would phone back tomorrow. There was no
doubt about it. Sophie understood Malcolm too well after
all these months to have any doubts.

Sophie picked up her glass of wine, regretting at that
moment she'd given up smoking and therefore had no
cigarette to light up to calm her nerves. She sipped her
wine while scanning the other drinkers in the pub patio.
She was glad that her eyes were hidden under the
sunshade. Most of the people here were like Malcolm and
her: couples or groups of men and women, mostly in their
late twenties or early thirties, still in their work clothes
after having finished a day in the office. Ties were pulled
down, sleeves rolled up and jackets laid to one side in
concession to the English summer. Just ahead was a bend
of the River Thames, too narrow in this part of London to
carry more than a few barges and tourist boats. A few
swans paddled by under the shelter of the decorative
shrubs planted at the river's edge.

Then, ambling into the patio, and not seen for so many
years, was Justin, still with Ashley, around whose bare
waist he wrapped a protective arm. The couple was
recognisably the same, despite the intervening years.
Justin was rather less the rake-like figure she once knew.
Clearly, he was eating better than he used to. Perhaps this
was Ashley's influence. She had also filled out a bit.
Rounder shoulders, a fuller waist, but still nothing to be
ashamed of, and a dimple on each elbow.

The first time Sophie met Justin, all those years ago, his
cheeks were much more accentuated and his eyes
betrayed a kind of naked vulnerability. It was in a coffee
shop, one of the countless coffee shops in Wimbledon
where she lived at the time, one where the coffees had
Italian names and the service was painfully slow. She had
just been in the loo as a result of a false alarm. She
washed her hands but, despite all the fruitless straining
and struggling, she still felt the nagging need for a shit.

She looked at her eyes in the loo mirror. The pupils were
still quite tiny and her face had a fatigued expression, as
well it ought since she'd not slept for such a long time.
The drugs were taking ages to wear off. Even though she
was no longer feeling high as such, they hadn't yet
subsided enough for her to need sleep.

It wasn't as if she hadn't been in bed though. It hadn't
taken long for the informal post-shoot party at Lance's
flat to disintegrate into an unplanned orgy. After all,
Heinrich, Natasha, Juanita and the others were all fully
acquainted with each other on the set. After a few drinks,
lines, snorts, spliffs and, in Natasha's case, a surgically-
clean hypo, it seemed the natural way to end the day. So.
Plenty of bed but not a lot of sleep. And didn't she know
it! And her arse knew it most of all.

Sophie knew that when she did finally recover, she'd
sleep for well over her apportioned eight hours. Anyway,
there wasn't another shoot for several days and that would
be a cinch compared to the rim and ring epic in which
she'd been performing the last few days. It would be
nothing but facials. It might leave a nasty taste in the
mouth and the possibility of a stomach ache, but at least
her anus would have time to recover.

When she emerged from the loo, she saw that someone
else was sitting at the table where her mocha was waiting.
She tottered over unsteadily on the impossibly high heels
she still wore and lowered herself into her seat. The heels
added several significant inches to her height, but didn't
disguise the fact that Sophie, like most women in her line
of work, was actually rather short. In her case, only just
over five foot tall. Shortness had the advantage of
enhancing her apparent breast-size. It also made the
attributes of any male co-star seem that much more
splendid than they already were.

Sophie composed herself opposite the man at her table.
He was, of course, the same Justin now looking for a
place to sit in the Black Swan. She reflected that she was
rather overdressed for a coffee shop on a Thursday
morning. She'd dressed for the shoot in a leather jacket, a
tight micro-skirt, and a revealing blouse that was
designed to accentuate her already prominent bosom. Her
long blonde-streaked hair was tied back in an untidy mess
of clips and bows. Huge hoop-like earrings brushed her
shoulders whenever she turned her head.

"Who're you?" she asked Justin in a voice as unsteady as
her posture. "What d'you do?"

Justin nervously introduced himself and explained that he
worked in a technical capacity at a City-based financial
company. He worked shifts, including weekends, which
was why he happened to be off work on a Thursday.

"I'm new to London," he said apologetically, with a
diffident smile that stretched the tight skin of his thin
face. "I don't know that many people."

Sophie nodded her head. She'd not really listened to
Justin with that much attention while scooping yet more
sugar into her already very sweet mocha.

"I bet you can't guess what I do?" she slurred.

"Er? prostitute?" Justin asked, with an apologetic smile.

"Prostitute?" echoed Sophie with alarm.

Fuck! Is that what she looked like? Of course, she'd never
stoop as low as that, although she'd been tempted before
she was sure how much she could make in the porno
business. In those early days, she'd not quite judged how
low she needed to go to subsidise her studies at the
University. That was when she was still a student, of
course.

"No fucking way am I a pro!" Sophie said when she'd
recovered her composure. "I don't know how pissed off I
should be at you for making that suggestion."

"I'm sorry," said Justin, his face reddening from
embarrassment but a warm smile still on his face. "Not
that I'd think any the less of you if you were."

"Really? What do you mean?"

"Well, it's just a job, isn't it? Prostitution. It's nothing to
be ashamed of, is it?"

"Yeah, well," said Sophie, sipping her mocha. "I'm in
films, I am. I'm a fucking film star."

Justin was impressed. "Wow! What films have you been
in?"

"You probably haven't heard of them," said Sophie.

"I don't know. Films are one of my biggest interests. I go
to the cinema two, three times a week. There's not much I
don't know about the movies."

"Oh yeah," sneered Sophie, with a wicked grin. "I bet you
don't go to the cinema to watch Fellowship of the
Rimming, Cunts & Quims Volume Three or The Sex
Fiends."

"Er? No. Are they the sort of films you appear in?"

"Straight to video. No general release. Never likely to
make either the National Film Theatre or the Odeon. You
know the kind of stuff?"

Justin nodded. "Yeah. I do."

"You seen much of it?"

"Not that much. Some. Not a lot. And never in a cinema."

"So, what d'you think, Film Buff Barry? Are they the
kind of movie you'd rate? What d'you think Jonathan
Ross would make of them, eh?"

"Not very high production standards," Justin mused. "At
least, not the ones I've seen. Not very complex plots.
Acting's not up to much. But that's all shit, isn't it? That's
not what the films are about. You can't talk about porno
in the same way as other films, can you? It'd be as stupid
as having a go at Teletubbies for being repetitive. Or
complaining about the special effects in South Park."

Despite herself, Sophie was actually rather enjoying her
chat with Justin. He was trying so hard to be non-
judgmental about what she did for a living. It was quite
sweet, really. And he was a change from the people she
usually hung around with, who were sometimes not really
that bright. It was also good to talk about sex films with
someone who wasn't in the industry. However, her
interest increased when the conversation strayed away
from films to the challenges of living in London and
finding an affordable place to stay.

"Well, money ain't a problem for me," sniffed Sophie,
pulling a cigarette out of its packet. Although this wasn't
the first cigarette she'd had since meeting Justin, she only
now remembered her manners. "Here, you want one?"

Justin hesitated, but then nodded and took the proffered
cigarette.

"You smoke?" Sophie asked as she lit the cigarettes.

"Not really," Justin replied. "Well, not tobacco."

"Dope?"

"Well, yeah. A bit. Not a lot. Sometimes."

"Got any on you now?"

Justin looked around the place with slightly frightened
eyes. He looked down at his now empty cup of Grande
Americano and nodded his head. "Some hash. Only a
couple of grams."

"Well, that's enough, isn't it?" Sophie said with a smile.
"Hey, let's go to the park and roll up. A spliff would set
me up well."

"Would it?" wondered Justin.

And indeed it did.

After an hour chatting on a park bench where the
conversation became mysteriously more amusing as the
influence of the morning spliff took affect, Sophie's
whole day became preoccupied in entertaining her
innocent companion. Sophie was actually rather enjoying
the fact that Justin was someone who didn't work in the
industry and with whom she could talk about other things
than drugs, porno and money. She imagined that if she
had a brother then this would be what it'd be like to spend
a day with him in South West London.

Sophie and Justin wandered around central Wimbledon
sampling the record shops, the department stores, the
clothes and coffee shops, pleased to discover so many
areas of mutual interest. They both liked Radiohead and
the Chemical Brothers. They both thought The Godfather
was the greatest film ever made and that Return of the
King was utter wank. They both enjoyed The Sopranos
and Alan Partridge, but couldn't get a grip on Friends or
Frasier. And neither of them had been to Ibiza, although
they'd both wanted to.

It seemed natural for the day to stretch into the evening,
and, after a meal at Pizza Express and a few pints in the
pub, to wander into a nightclub that Sophie was able to
get in for free. Sophie was rather reluctant to admit to
Justin that this privilege was a result of sexual favours
that, together with Lara and Carol, she'd once granted the
nightclub manager. She wasn't sure where the reluctance
came from. She was open about what she did for a living,
and enjoyed entertaining Justin with accounts of the
embarrassing and amusing incidents of a porn star's life.
What was the difference between discussing the mess
resulting from loose bowels and anal sex, and admitting
that she sometimes used sex to gain entry into generally
exclusive areas? Perhaps it was because she'd have to
admit that her rise through the porn industry involved
sexual promiscuity that did not have the excuse of
providing masturbatory entertainment.

"This is fucking great!" yelled Justin, through the noise
and flashing lights of the nightclub, at Sophie who was
dancing opposite him. "This place is awesome!"

Sophie smiled, as she swivelled on her bare feet. She'd
left her shoes along with her handbag and coat in the
cloakroom. This wasn't the first time that Justin admitted
that his experience of nightclubs hadn't really been
anywhere near the top of the market. And the lines of
speed they shared were helping them enjoy the music and
atmosphere that much more. Sophie wished she had some
E, but she wasn't in the mood for hunting out dealers.

Soon, Sophie and Justin were standing outside the
nightclub. It was a little chilly, but at least it wasn't
raining. Justin had a broad smile on his face.

"Wow! That was a fucking great day!" he enthused. "I
didn't expect anything like this when I went into Costa
Fiorenze this morning. Thanks. I've really enjoyed it."

"It doesn't have to end now, you know," said Sophie with
a smile.

"Well, I've got your number. I can phone you. We can
meet up again some day."

"Don't be fucking soft! I mean we can go back to my
place. I don't live far from here. Just a couple of streets
away."

"For coffee?"

"If you like," said Sophie, with a grin. "But you don't
have to talk fucking euphemisms with me. I'm a fucking
porno film star. I sucked ten men off at once in Cum
Babes International Volume Three. Your cock'll be so
fucking sore you'll have to bandage it for a month."

Justin blushed. At first Sophie thought it was just a trick
of the street lamps. Did people really blush like that? It
actually did change the colour of his skin.

"I don't think I can. Or more to the point, I don't think I
want to."

Sophie was annoyed. "What the fuck you on about? It's a
perfectly reasonable thing to do. Are you a virgin? Or are
you some kind of homo?"

"No, I'm not gay. And I'm not a virgin, either. Though
compared to you, I almost feel I am. No, it's not that. It's
that I do want to see you again, but I don't think it'd work
if I... if I... if I made love to you. I think I'd prefer it if we
were just friends."

"Just friends?"

"Yes. Just friends."

"Have it your own way, then," said Sophie, who was
more annoyed at this sexual rejection than she'd imagined
possible. After all, it wasn't as if Justin was such a great
catch. What could be seen of him wasn't exactly
competition for the male porn stars Sophie was
accustomed to. Gangly, awkward, skinny. Nothing that
would get him past the first audition.

She spun round on her heels and strode off towards her
apartment without turning back her head. The impotent
arsehole didn't know what he was missing. Anyway, the
sleep that Sophie had been denying herself so long was
catching up with her and its prospect was very appealing.

Nevertheless, Sophie was actually rather pleased when
the phone rang a couple of days later and she heard
Justin's voice. She hadn't quite forgotten him and an
evening with Sylvia and her husband, Geoff, had more
than made up for the missed opportunity of sex. She had
rather enjoyed her day with Justin. Perhaps this was what
was lacking in her life: knowing someone who she didn't
fuck or with whom she'd never fucked. Perhaps there was
something in the idea of being just friends with someone.

Sophie was reflecting on the oddness of the situation
when she met Justin at a pub near the cinema where they
were going to see the Cohen Brothers film he'd enthused
about. When was the last time she'd ever met anyone a
second time without having had sex with them? It didn't
matter whether the person was a man or a woman, all her
relationships were predicated on sex. And it didn't matter
whether that sex was in the bedroom or under the harsh
glare of studio lights. It was always sex.

In fact, Sophie was quite pleased at the end of the
evening when she agreed to meet Justin another day and
no mention at all was made of the two of them spending
the night together. How weird! Perhaps that was what
friendships were meant to be like. There weren't many
men she'd spent an evening with and not had sex with.
And most of those were in the days before she had a film
career. These days even her female friends were also her
lovers.

A few weeks later, Sophie felt much more comfortable
with her relationship with Justin. They would chat about
everything. They reminisced on childhood. They shared
jokes and observations. Sophie even let Justin tease her,
which was something she was normally very guarded
about, although he teased her more on her size than on
her source of income. Sometimes, however, Sophie
couldn't help wondering whether Justin was gay and that
was why it was possible for them to maintain a non-
sexual friendship.

Except, of course, that he wasn't gay.

This Sophie was partly convinced of after talking to male
porn stars who also worked in gay movies. Not all of
them did so merely because the money was better. Some
men had a definite preference for male company.

But the real clincher was Ashley.

And here was Ashley, still with Justin all those years
later. It was Ashley, in fact, who spotted Sophie sitting
alone on the patio under the sun, rather hoping that she'd
not be noticed.

"My God! It isn't! It is! Look, Justin! It's Sophie!"

"Goodness me!" said Justin, adjusting his eyes to the
gloom of the shade. "Sophie! How are you? It's been
ages!"

"I'm fine. D'you want to join me, you two?"

"Well, sure, Sophie," said Justin with a smile. "But aren't
you with someone?"

"I was. But not now. Come on! I could do with the
company."

The three of them sat together and exchanged life
histories. Ashley and Justin had both gained promotion
and more responsibility in their own careers and were
very impressed by the huge turn-about in Sophie's career.

"Don't you miss the money and excitement?" Justin
asked.

"Not really. It's not something I'd have been able to keep
up forever. I'm over thirty now, after all."

"Bloody hell!" said Justin, still grinning with evident
pleasure at meeting his old friend again. "So, you are!
Over thirty! Grim, isn't it? Growing old and everything!"
He stood up. "Look, your glass is empty. What do you
want to drink?"

Sophie was then left alone with Ashley while Justin made
his way to the bar. She was relieved that Ashley seemed
genuinely excited to meet her, which was in such acute
contrast to the first time they met all those years ago.
Surprisingly, it was Ashley who was the most
enthusiastic of the couple, eager to fill Sophie in on the
lives of people whom Sophie had never really known that
well and on the benefits of the life of domestic bliss she
and Justin were enjoying. She was especially happy that
Sophie was herself looking forward to settling down with
Malcolm.

It was so different in the Star and Garter when they first
met. Indeed, when she arrived, late as usual, she didn't
expect to see Justin sitting with anyone. Normally when
Sophie met Justin he would be patiently working his way
through a newspaper crossword or playing solitaire on his
PDA. He'd got resigned to Sophie's unreliability, which
was just as well as there were times when Sophie didn't
make the appointment at all.

Today, however, Justin was sitting next to someone else
and a woman at that. Compared to the buxom, peroxided,
heavily made-up women of Sophie's normal
acquaintance, this woman was decidedly plain. Her hair
was short, her clothes were rather ordinary and
functional, and she even wore glasses. She wasn't
unattractive, though. It was just that nothing proclaimed
her beauty in an obvious way.

"This is Ashley," said Justin, who was squeezing the girl's
hand. "We've been seeing each other for about a week
now. And when I said I was going to the pub, she asked if
she could come along. You don't mind, do you, Sophie?"

"Of course not," said Sophie with a barely contained
snarl. "Why should I?"

She sat down on the seat opposite Ashley and glowered at
her while Justin stood up to buy the drinks with the
twenty pound note Sophie forced into his hand.

Ashley was nervous. She smiled shyly.

"So you're Sophie? Justin's friend. He's told me about
you," she said. "Not a lot, but he said you work in the
media."

Sophie pulled a cigarette out of a packet and lit it. There
was nothing about her casual clothes that announced
which aspect of the media she was associated with, but
Sophie didn't intend to leave Ashley uninformed for long.

"Media? Yeah, that's right. Media."

"That must be really exciting."

"It is," agreed Sophie, blowing smoke out of her mouth
and not caring that it got in Ashley's eyes. "Especially if
you like fucking as much as I do."

Ashley swallowed and ruffled her brow. "Sorry? Did you
say??"

"Fucking. That's what I do. Fucking! I'm a fucking porn
star. The real fucking deal. Didn't Justin sweetie tell you?
I fuck for a living and get paid for being filmed doing it.
And you know what?"

"No?" asked Ashley in a low voice.

"I fucking love it! It's fucking great! And Justin didn't say
a word?"

Ashley shook her head and looked distinctly
uncomfortable. Her eyes flew all around the place, partly
towards Sophie and partly towards Justin at the bar. This
was not a situation she wanted to be in.

"Justin didn't say anything?" Sophie persisted.

"He just said the media," said Ashley in a low voice.

"Yeah. I star in porn films. The type you see in basements
in Soho. Busty Babes Eat Each Other. Anal Excursions.
Blow Job Honeys. You ever seen any of them?"

"I can't say I have."

"It's not simulated. It's the real deal. Two cocks front and
back. Spunk all over the face. And most of all, I like
doing girls."

"Girls?" wondered Ashley, looking at alarm at Justin,
who was returning with glasses of beer and wine.

It was Sophie who spoke to Justin as he sat down, clearly
aware from Ashley's face that the conversation wasn't
exactly going well.

"Shame on you, Just," said Sophie. "You never told your
little sweetheart what I do for a living."

Justin bit his lower lip. "I wasn't sure that you'd want me
to."

"Why should I be bothered? It's what I do. And fucking
with girls is what I like doing most. Strap-ons and dildos,
fisting and fingers, I love it. Do you like it, Ashley? Is
that what you'd want to do?"

Ashley looked down nervously at her drink. "I've never
thought about it."

"Y'ought to try it, sweetie," sniffed Sophie. "I can give
you a lesson if you like."

"Lesson?"

"You know. Bit of girl-on-girl. That appeal to you? I
won't charge you."

"Sophie!" Justin blurted. "What's going on? You're not
usually like this! What's got into you?"

"Don't be soft, Just," Sophie continued, blowing out
smoke through her mouth. "Bit of fun never hurt anyone.
What d'you think, Just? You wanna join in?"

"I thought we were friends, Sophie. If I'd known you
were gonna be like this, I'd never?"

"Never what?" Sophie asked with a sneer.

"Never, you know, never have come out to see you this
evening with Ashley."

"What? Would you keep me your dirty little secret, lover
boy?"

"No, it's not that. It's just? it's just?"

"Oh! Don't mind me, Justin. Don't fucking mind me.
What about you, Ashley? What do you think, eh?"

Ashley gripped Justin's hand in hers and glared back at
Sophie. This act of proprietary ownership troubled
Sophie, but she pretended to ignore it.

"What do you mean?" Ashley asked.

"What do you think?"

"I don't know," she answered. She looked at Justin, who
was distinctly uneasy but gripped her hand rather more
tightly than before.

The conversation continued in this vein. Sophie taunted
Justin for his reluctance in telling Ashley what she did for
a living, fantasized what it would be like for Ashley to
have sex with her, and made some unkind comments
about Justin's sexuality.

"In all the time I've known him he's been like some poof.
Is he like that with you, sweetie? Or perhaps he's got no
prick to speak of. Have you and Justin fucked together?"

"What a question!" said Ashley angrily.

"Don't be a prude! You haven't, have you? He's fucking
impotent, isn't he?"

"Well, actually?" began Ashley tentatively, and then she
thought better of what she was about to say. "Look,
Sophie. It's obvious you don't like me. What I do or what
I've done with Justin is really not your business."

"Well, really!" said Sophie affronted.

"Come on, Justin!" Ashley commanded, standing up with
her glass of wine still mostly untouched. "This is not
what I was hoping for when I agreed to come out with
you."

"But I?" said Justin, still holding his pint of beer.

"Leave it!" Ashley commanded. "We'll go to another pub
if it's a beer you want."

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" asked Sophie in mock
sympathy. "Don't you want to know what Justin's friends
are like?"

"That's not it," said Ashley aggressively as she sidled out
of her seat and buttoned up her jacket. "It's not what
Justin's friends are like. It's what you're like. I wasn't
expecting anything like this at all. Justin told me that you
and he were just friends."

To begin with, Sophie's decision not to see Justin again
gave her a warm sense of vengeful satisfaction. After all,
if she was such an embarrassment to him and his prissy
girlfriend, why should she waste her time? She didn't
return Justin's calls and the one time he spoke to her on
the phone she made a feeble excuse as to why they
couldn't meet.

Despite herself, however, it was with increasing fondness
that she remembered Justin and their innocent nights out
at the cinema and the pub. She rather missed his
friendship.

It wasn't as if she had no active social life without him. A
girl like her could fill every minute of every day with
some kind of fun. She somehow missed those innocent
goodbye kisses where there was no expectation that her
vagina or anus should take more punishment in addition
to what it had already received as part of her normal
working day. It didn't matter if she was socialising with a
man, a woman, several men or mixed company, the
evenings always ended the same way. A few lines, a few
spliffs, perhaps something stronger, and, when
sufficiently relaxed, on the bed, on the fireside rug, in the
kitchen, penis, dildo, fist or fingers thrusting in her
orifices. And then the familiar scent of semen, vaginal
juice or urine, dripping down her thighs, her face or her
breasts. In many ways so rewarding, but also curiously
empty and predictable. Here was the love and affection
she craved, but where was the companionship and
friendship she also needed?

It was during a shoot for Bang Busters Volume Four that
she exhausted the final crumb of satisfaction she'd got
from terminating her friendship with Justin. She'd already
spent an hour or so on the film set, in which time she'd
fellated two men and had both of them ejaculate onto her
face, along with a third man who'd previously been
fucking Lara. Perhaps it was the sour taste of semen.
Perhaps it was the slightly fetid taste of raw genitalia.
Perhaps it was the soreness in her anus that was much
more pronounced after being fucked face-on while sitting
on her co-star's lap. It couldn't have helped that at the
same time her mouth was gobbling an erect penis and her
hand was pumping a third penis.

Then suddenly she lost all heart for it.

She wasn't sure whether the film director noticed this
sudden collapse of enthusiasm, but it was obvious Doug
did, as he thrust into her from below. And Michael
hastened his ejaculation as he also detected Sophie's
waning excitement.

But when Sophie unexpectedly burst into tears and
awkwardly disengaged herself from the amorous
company with whom she shared the film set, it was clear
to everyone that something had snapped.

Sophie staggered over to the sofa where, only moments
ago, Julia had been fucked by Doug and Angelo. The
camera trailed her, perhaps uncertain whether Sophie's
tears were worth recording, but the director was more
sensitive and bade the filming stop.

"What's wrong, Sophie?" he asked her, putting a
comforting arm around Sophie's bare shoulders, which
heaved with her sobs.

"I don't know!" she wailed. "I don't know! I just sorta lost
it!"

"You're not the only one who's lost it!" moaned Doug, as
he stroked his shrivelling, but still glistening, penis.

"Come on, Sophie," cajoled the director. "We've got
everyone in place. It'd be a shame not to finish the scene."

Sophie looked over at her three male co-stars who were
tugging and pulling at their semi-erect penises in the hope
of them retaining something of their past glory. They
smiled at her, clearly eager to resume their amatory
activity from where it had been interrupted. Michael, with
whom Sophie had spent the previous night, waved at her
with the fingers of his right hand.

"I'm not sure I can," Sophie moaned. "It's not like me!
I've lost it! I'm just not enjoying it!"

"Well, you don't have to enjoy it to finish the scene,
love," the director continued. "I won't be able to pay you
full whack otherwise."

"I know. I know," Sophie moaned. "Can't you edit it a
bit? Use more of Lara and Julia and less of me?"

"Yes, of course we can, love. But that means we'll pay
more to Lara and Julia and less to you. Do you want
that?"

Sophie hesitated. She'd always told herself that she only
ever did it for the money. Each filmed action, often
identical ones to those she'd do for free with the same co-
stars away from the camera, was worth money. It was
foolish not to perform when just a little bit of anal or
urine made such dramatic differences to her pay packet,
and took such little time to film. But the very thought of
putting Michael's penis back into her mouth, where the
taste on her tongue was still so vivid, was enough to
make Sophie retch. Her chest heaved involuntarily,
shaking her well-proportioned breasts, while a dribble of
creamy sperm regurgitated into the back of her throat.

Sophie coughed.

"Are you feeling OK?" the director asked. "Are you
well?"

"I had my check-up last week," said Sophie
automatically, before recognizing that the query was
occasioned by her current discomfort. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm
fine. I guess I'll just have to forget the bonus, won't I?"

"'Fraid so, love," said the director sadly. "If we paid it
you whatever happened, it wouldn't be worth anything,
would it? 'Course we could make it up for you if you join
Lara with the woodmen in the afternoon shoot. What do
you think?"

Sophie considered this with a frown. She shook her head.
"No. Can't do it. I'm just not in the mood. The idea's
making me feel a bit sick, actually. It's really weird.
Maybe it's something I ate."

"I didn't know my spunk was as bad as that!" joked
Michael rather sweetly.

Sophie smiled. Michael and Doug were good sorts. It
wasn't them that was the problem. It was something else.
It was something to do with the aching hollowness that
was opening up in her like a void. Something like how
the previous night she couldn't be bothered when George
suggested he join Michael and she to make an amorous
threesome. Instead of agreeing like she normally would,
she simply said that Michael was all the man she needed,
which wasn't strictly true but certainly added extra
passion to his lovemaking.

After leaving the film set, Sophie wandered aimlessly to
the grounds of a nearby church, where she sat on a bench
with a cigarette and her thoughts. What was wrong with
her? Now she was so distant from the sight of cock and
camera, her earlier aversion seemed ridiculous.

She picked up her mobile phone. She needed someone to
speak to. And the person whose saved number she chose
was Justin.

The same Justin, of course, who was now returning from
the bar of the Black Swan carrying three glasses of wine
for Ashley, Sophie and himself. Justin laid out the drinks
and sat down with a grin.

"Isn't it wonderful," said Ashley to Justin, "Sophie getting
into accountancy and everything?"

"It's really quite unexpected," agreed Justin. "We had no
idea what had happened to you. I thought you'd gone to
California where they make most of those porno movies.
You know, where you can be filmed outdoors in the nude
all year long."

Sophie shook her head. "No chance. The weather's
tempting. And the money, too! But I just didn't have the
spirit. And you? What're you doing these days? Still
systems admin?"

"Well, more admin than systems, really," Justin chuckled.
"Promotion to management makes all jobs seem just the
same. But I'm still working for the same firm."

The same firm, in fact, where Justin was working when
Sophie phoned him up on her mobile phone outside the
church.

"Sophie!" he said with surprise on recognising her voice.
"I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again. After that
time with Ash, I thought, well, I don't know what I
thought, but anyway? How are you?"

"Fine. Fine," said Sophie automatically. And then
remembering herself. "Well, actually not fine at all.
D'you wanna meet up this evening?"

"This evening?" Justin wondered. "Well, I told Ash?"

"I'd really like to see you, Justin."

"Oh. All right! But you won't mind, will you, if I don't
tell Ashley. She got real upset that last time. In fact, she
often mentions you. And not in a nice way either, I'm
afraid. And I don't think it's just 'cause you're a porn star
and everything."

"Whatever!" said Sophie. "I just want to talk."

And what Sophie most wanted to talk about, and this
wasn't what she'd expected before she met Justin, was
Ashley.

Justin sat opposite Sophie in the Queen's Head and
nursed his pint in his hands. Sophie was dressed modestly
in sweater and jeans and looked rather less like a porn
star than the barmaid who served them. She puffed away
at her cigarette and drank her vodka and lime rather too
quickly.

"Why all these questions about Ash, Sophie?" Justin
asked. "You only met her the one time. And you didn't
get on that well, either, if you remember. What's the
reason for this?"

Sophie looked down at her manicured nails sadly. "I
dunno. I don't know at all."

"If you're so keen on finding out about Ash, why don't
you speak to her yourself?"

"Do you think she'd want me to?"

"No," said Justin thoughtfully. "I don't think she would at
all. But it might be better than asking me all these
questions."

Sophie nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right there."

And so it was the following evening that Sophie pressed
the buzzer for Ashley's flat in the huge Victorian house in
Fulham. It was obvious even through the crackle of the
intercom speaker that Ashley neither expected nor
welcomed the sound of Sophie's voice.

"What do you want?" Ashley asked, not unreasonably,
when she'd established for sure who it was that was
visiting her.

Sophie wasn't sure what to say. She just somehow wanted
to make it up with Ashley so that she and Justin could
return to the same status of friendship they'd known
before, but that would sound feeble.

"Just to visit, you know. Chat and that. Can I come up?"

"Well, since you're here?" Ashley conceded with a sigh.

Sophie heard the low whine of the door's catch as it was
released. She pushed the heavy door open and headed for
the staircase and Ashley's flat on the second floor. She
knew she was on the right floor, sure enough, as Ashley
was standing outside the door to her flat in a tee-shirt and
shorts, with espadrilles on her bare feet.

"So, this is where you live?" asked Sophie as she
followed Ashley through the open door.

It was a smaller flat than hers. Only one bedroom. The
furniture was more modest and well-worn. The television
and stereo were functional at best and certainly not the
best money could buy. And although the flat had the
homely untidiness of a place where visitors were not
anticipated, it had none of the sheer recklessness with
which Sophie abandoned ashtrays, clothes and bed sheets
in her more luxurious and select apartment.

"It mightn't be much, but the mortgage is crippling!"
Ashley remarked sadly.

She wandered over to an armchair that faced the
television and gestured to Sophie to sit on either the sofa
or the other armchair. Sophie sprawled onto the sofa,
pulling her sandaled feet off the ground. Like Ashley, she
was dressed rather plainly in a tee-shirt and shorts, but
her clothing was designer label and conspicuously
expensive.

"Now you're here, would you like some tea or coffee?"
Ashley asked.

"Coffee. White. Two sugars," said Sophie, as Ashley
retreated into the kitchenette that made up one third of
her living room.

The two women chatted amiably for a few minutes, with
Ashley directing the conversation and Sophie colluding
with her in keeping the topics innocent and unthreatening.
It was just the sort of chat two work colleagues or two
neighbours might have. However, it served its function of
helping the two women relax in each other's company.
Sophie could see that Ashley was slowly revising her
opinion of her as she plied the charm that had served so
well in furthering her career in adult entertainment.
Sophie was more than just a woman who fucked for her
pay cheques.

"I've seen that film with Kevin Spacey, too. I thought it
was crap, though," said Ashley. "I suppose you saw it
with Justin, did you?"

"Yes," Sophie admitted, aware that conversation was
beginning to steer away from more trivial matters.

"Was that before or after I started seeing Justin?" Ashley
asked.

"Before," said Sophie. "I've only seen Justin the once
since I met you that time. And that was to find out where
you live."

"And is it true what Justin said that you and he haven't
ever??"

"Not once."

"You know, I just don't understand that. I mean, him and
me, well, we do it? you know? we do it all the time.
How can someone like you who, you know, who does it
with everyone?how??"

"What don't you understand?"

"I just don't think it's possible."

"What?"

"For you and he to be just friends. It doesn't make sense."

"Why not?"

Ashley sipped at her coffee and crossed and uncrossed
her long bare legs.

"Before I met you," she said, "when Justin mentioned
you, I kind of suspected you were his ex or something. I
mean, it's not unknown for people to be just friends, but it
doesn't usually last for long if they're both, you know, the
opposite sex or sexually compatible or whatever. It's
quite nice for people to be friends and everything, but you
kind of expect that?. But, anyway, I was quite touched
by it. Justin's a fairly straight kind of guy, in both senses.
If anyone could have women friends who were just that,
you know, just friends, well, he'd be the one most
likely?"

"Yes?" Sophie asked, as she glanced at her handbag
where she stored her cigarettes and wondered whether it
would be too rude to light one up.

"So, I thought maybe you'd be a bit like Justin, you know.
Perhaps you were someone not interested in sex with
men. Maybe you were a bit, you know, sexually reserved.
But I didn't expect you to be some kind of sex film
actress. I knew such women existed, but I never expected
to meet one in real life. And it just doesn't make sense.
How can someone whose career is having sex with men
be just friends with my Justin? It's not as if he's not
interested in women or anything."

Ashley looked towards Sophie expectantly, as if
expecting her to have an answer. Sophie was struggling
between her need for the consolation of nicotine and her
uncertainty as to why she was even here. What was she
expecting to achieve? Did she even know why she'd
come all this way to Fulham?

"I guess it's because we were just friends that I've come
all this way to see him," said Sophie. "It's not something
I've got a lot of, you know, friends who're just friends. In
my line of work, there's not a clear dividing line between
sex and friendship. Or between sex for love and sex for
money. It all gets a bit mixed up and screwy. And I guess
what I liked about my friendship with Justin, and I don't
think I really appreciated it as much as I should, is that is
exactly what it was. Friendship. And the fact that he's a
bloke and I'm a woman is sort of not the issue in my
circles. It'd be almost the same if he'd been a woman, you
know. After a while, you get so used to having sex with
different people you sort of don't think about people in
any other way."

Ashley frowned. She looked compassionately at Sophie's
shaking hands. "Is there anything wrong?"

"Nothing a ciggie wouldn't help," Sophie said.

"I've got an ashtray. I don't smoke myself. Well, not
cigarettes, but sometimes, Justin and me, we share a
spliff."

Ashley got up, opened the window even wider than it
already was and placed an ashtray on the glass-topped
table in front of the sofa. Sophie felt much calmer with
the first infusion of nicotine and blew out a cloud of blue-
grey smoke while flicking the end of the cigarette in the
ashtray.

Ashley sat on the sofa next to Sophie and leaned forward,
resting her elbows on her knees.

"I'm not a prude, Sophie," said Ashley. "At least I hope
I'm not. People have to make a living and some people
make a living from the sex industry. It's a livelihood and I
guess people choose the career they're best suited to.
You've made your career by starring in sex films. I guess
you must be very good at it, you know, having sex with
different men?"

"?and women," Sophie reminded her.

"?and women," Ashley conceded. "But I still don't really
understand this thing about just being friends with
someone. I mean, I'm friends with Justin as well as being
his? as well, you know? It's not like it's incompatible,
friendship and sex, you know."

"Not incompatible so much," admitted Sophie, "but it's
different for you. All your friends are just friends and
nothing else except for Justin, whereas for me only one of
my friends was just a friend?"

"And you miss that?" asked Ashley.

Sophie puffed at her cigarette again. She didn't actually
want to say yes, (that would sound soft), but she nodded
her head.

"And is that why you were so, you know, so rude when
we met in the pub?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Were you kind of jealous of me for taking Justin away
from you, was that it?"

"Well, I'm not sure I'd say 'jealous' exactly."

"Whatever," Ashley said conciliatorily.

The two women sat silently on the sofa, Sophie puffing
away at the last inch of her cigarette and Ashley
massaging her forehead agitatedly.

At last, Ashley lifted her head up.

"So, Sophie, is the only reason you came to see me
because you want to make it up with Justin and be just
friends again? That doesn't really make much sense. Why
d'you bother seeing me, alone, like this? Is something
else bothering you?"

Sophie stubbed out her cigarette in the ashtray and
pushed it forward an inch or so. She turned her head
round and looked Ashley in the face. What should she
say? What was bothering her? She decided to mention the
time she'd lost her enthusiasm for sex at work and just
couldn't carry on, when suddenly the whole exercise
seemed repulsive to her, and how it still remained
repulsive. She spoke to Ashley, because she knew no one
else, no one anywhere, who she could talk to about how
she had somehow lost the stomach and inclination to have
sex under the gaze of a film camera.

"Well, there is something else?" she began, thinking that
she'd somehow be able to say all she wanted to in a few
sentences.

But she was wrong. She was still talking an hour later,
Ashley only interjecting occasionally, as Sophie
described her life in the adult industry. She described the
film shoots where she'd drunk urine. The occasions she'd
fellated more than a dozen men who then proceeded, one
by one, to ejaculate over her face. The dildos that had
penetrated her anus. The strap-ons she'd used to inflict
similar punishment on both female and male co-stars. The
often wilder group sex she'd had with her co-stars off
camera and the pot pourri of drugs she enjoyed in their
company. And as she described and enumerated these
occasions, she wasn't sure whether she was boasting, to
say to Ashley, look what I've done, wouldn't you like to
have the same problems as me?

Sophie looked up, her eyes streaming with a thin trickle
of tears just as a similarly thin sliver of snot trailed out of
her nose. Ashley had a confused expression on her face,
as she supported Sophie with an arm around the shoulders
and held ready a paper tissue in her free hand. Her eyes
burned with a strange excitement, while her face also
expressed compassion and something that was neither
envy nor pity, but an unsettled mixture of the two.

Ashley was quite pretty really. Not porno-pretty, but
pretty in a kind of normal, non-porno way. She had bright
brown eyes, which sparkled quite endearingly now she'd
taken off her glasses. She had a broad face that filled out
like hamster-cheeks when she smiled. She had lips that
were naturally thick, with no collagen enhancement, and
her tongue licked across the top of her teeth seductively
as she moistened her lips.

So, it was quite natural for Sophie to return Ashley's
friendly supportive arm with a friendly cuddle of her
own. Just as it was natural for Sophie to place a hand on
Ashley's bare knee and to pull her face towards hers. And
just as it was in the normal and expected course of things
for Sophie's open mouth to lock against Ashley's and for
the two of them to join tongues and lips in passionate
kissing. And, as the rhythm of Sophie's sobs were
replaced by a rhythm of a different kind as her passion
built up, there was nothing unnatural at all as both she
and Ashley divested one another of their clothes and gave
each other much more vigorous and erotic comfort.

Sophie had made love to women many times in her life,
and for her Ashley wasn't very special. She was clearly
uncertain and gauche with regards to making love with
another woman, although it also excited her much more
than it upset her. But Ashley wasn't the first woman
Sophie had introduced to Sapphic love. She'd even done
so on a film set, which must surely be the least romantic
place imaginable for this to happen. Nor was Ashley
especially accomplished as a lover. Practice in sex,
especially with those who were themselves well-
practiced, could never be matched by enthusiasm,
however great. And Ashley's enthusiasm was certainly
considerable, although more was expressed through her
excited eyes than by anything she said.

"I didn't believe that making love with a woman could
be as rough and physical as this!" exclaimed Ashley at
last, as she lay on her back with Sophie's teeth still
nibbling her clitoris.

Sophie could only nod.

There was much that Ashley could learn about sex with
women, and it was obvious that she wanted to find out
more, but Sophie decided that whoever it was who would
be her future teacher and guide in the ways of lesbian
love, it wasn't going to be her.

As they lay on Ashley's double bed, the moonlight
shining through the thin cotton curtains, Sophie swore
softly to herself. Shit! Whatever it was that she'd intended
to achieve when she decided to meet Ashley it hadn't
been this. Again, just as she always did, she'd let sex
determine how she behaved. She was incorrigible and
there was no hope for her.

She looked at Ashley's naked body nestled against her,
the lips curled in contented sleep and a slight bruise just
coming up on the inside of her left thigh. Ashley was a
dear, and in the normal course of events Sophie could
imagine seeing her again. But Sophie had no need for
more lovers in her life.

That wasn't what she wanted.

So it was then that she decided to change her career. At
the time she had no idea that this meant enrolling for a
course in accountancy. In fact, her thoughts focused no
further than moving to a smaller cheaper flat so she could
survive for a while before she found a new direction for
her life. She knew she'd have to break loose from her
friends and acquaintances otherwise she'd just be dragged
back into making sex films, and this was what she
decided she didn't want to do.

And now, several years later, here she was, every link
with her previous life severed. She'd successfully made
the change. At first, she still saw some of her old friends
in the porn industry for the companionship they offered,
both sexual and otherwise. She even occasionally
relented and let herself be filmed in a porno, but she did
so reluctantly and only for the money that was so easily
earned. And she did see more of Ashley and Justin. She
even agreed to collude in Ashley's game of deceit, which
was to never tell Justin just how affectionate the two
women had been that evening. But the deceit wearied her,
so when she rented the flat in Wood Green she used that
as an excuse never to make the trek across to South West
London. In any case, it troubled her that on the one hand
the couple was talking about marriage, whilst on the other
Ashley expressed in the odd thoughtful smile or overlong
stare that she still hoped for a reprise of their evening
together.

"It's so weird seeing you again!" exclaimed Justin,
shaking his head as if this might throw off his incredulity.

"Yeah, it is," said Sophie. "And did you get married in
the end? Are you married now?"

"Yes!" said Ashley, holding up her ring finger, which
Sophie had, of course, already noticed was properly
adorned. "We sent you an invite to your old address, but
it must have not got to you."

"And you're getting married too?" Justin asked.

"Yes, I think so," said Sophie. "Malcolm. He works in the
City. It'll be strange committing to someone like this. It
sort of puts a line under everything else."

"It needn't, of course," said Justin.

"It needn't what?"

"Things don't have to stop just because you're married,"
Ashley agreed. "You can be committed to your partner
and still have a fuller sex life than with just one person."

Sophie blinked. What was Ashley saying exactly? "I'm
sorry. I don't quite understand."

Justin smiled. "Of course you do, Sophie. You understand
better than anyone. Ash and you. Ash and me. The only
thing missing was the three of us together. I don't know
what I was thinking about in those days, but since you
and Ash got it together, she always talked about being a
bit more adventurous?"

"Yes," agreed Ashley. "It took a bit of courage at first,
but it's easy for couples to meet other like-minded
couples on the internet. Justin didn't want to at first."

"Yeah," Justin continued, squeezing Ashley's hand. "It's
one thing you and Ash doing it together. I sort of half-
expected it anyway, so I wasn't that surprised when she
told me. It's another to do it regularly. You know, have a
polyamorous lifestyle."

"Polyamorous?" Sophie asked.

"Yeah," said Justin. "You know what it means?"

"Of course," said Sophie. "But you and Ashley, I just
never thought."

"We've been doing it for years now," Ashley said with an
enthusiastic smile. "There are a lot of us. And there's
always space for more!"

"I had no idea you led a lifestyle like that. It's a total
surprise to me!" said Sophie truthfully.

"So," Justin said, leaning forward over the bench,
clasping Ashley's hand tightly in his own, "when we saw
you, we were so excited. Now, we have a much more
open lifestyle, a bit like yours used to be when you made
all those porn videos, it seems a perfect opportunity for us
all to get to know each other again, only this time a lot
better and more intimately."

Sophie looked across the table at Ashley and Justin,
whose faces were expressing hope and anticipation.
Sophie could see behind them the other people in the
patio, people who'd been working in the office all day
and enjoying the evening sun. There came a sudden rush
and thunder of wings as a swan launched itself into the air
along the flowing River Thames.

Sophie smiled. "So, you'd like me to come back with you
so we can have sex together, only the three of us?"

"Yes!" said Ashley. "Please say yes! I've so wanted to
make love to you again after all these years."

"Is this what you want, Justin?" Sophie asked.

"Of course," he said, not a hint of doubt in his voice.
"That's what I should have done all those years ago. I just
don't know what was wrong with me."

"So, what do you say, Sophie?" asked Ashley. "It's only a
short distance to our flat?"

Sophie coughed. She looked at Justin. She looked back at
Ashley. She smiled at them, warmly and affectionately.
Her mind was made up.

"I don't think so," she said at last. "I think I'd much prefer
it if we stayed just friends."