10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then pushed two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow, really hard. When the father blew, the peanut popped out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled with happiness. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law!"

__________________
____________
Nubian

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"

__________________
____________
Nubian

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

__________________
____________
Nubian

I'M
ABOUT
8
INCHES
LONG.


MY FUNCTIONING
IS
ENJOYED
BY
MEMBERS
OF
BOTH
SEXES.


I'M
USUALLY FOUND
HUNG,
DANGLING
LOOSELY,
READY
FOR
INSTANT
ACTION.


I BOAST
A CLUMP OF
LITTLE
HAIRY
THINGS
AT
ONE END
AND
SMALL
HOLE AT THE
OTHER.


IN USE,
I'M
INSERTED,
ALMOST
ALWAYS
WILLINGLY,
SOMETIMES
SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES
QUICKLY,
INTO A
WARM,
FLESHY, MOIST
OPENING.

THERE
I'M
THRUST
IN
AND
DRAWN
OUT
AGAIN
AND AGAIN
MANY TIMES IN
SUCCESSION,
OFTEN
QUICKLY
AND
ACCOMPANIED
BY SQUIRMING
BODILY
MOVEMENTS.


ANYONE
FOUND
LISTENING IN
WILL MOST
SURELY
RECOGNIZE
THE
RHYTHMIC,
PULSING
SOUND,
RESULTING
FROM THE
WELL
LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS.


WHEN FINALLY
WITHDRAWN,
I LEAVE
BEHIND
A
JUICY,
FROTHY,
STICKY WHITE
SUBSTANCE,
TO MY
FREELY
HANGING
STATE
OF REST,
READY FOR
YET
ANOTHER
BIT OF
ACTION.


HOPEFULLY,
I WILL
REACH MY
BRISTLING
CLIMAX
TWICE
OR
THREE
TIMES A DAY,
BUT OFTEN
IT IS
MUCH LESS.


WHO AM I ??



AS YOU MAY
HAVE ALREADY
GUESSED,
THE
ANSWER
TO
THE
RIDDLE
IS
NONE OTHER
THAN YOUR VERY
OWN....







TOOTHBRUSH !!!!!!!!!!!


What were you thinking? You PERVERT!

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

LMAO. I must admit, you got me there for a while.

__________________
____________
Nubian

One day a man who had a twenty-five inch penis, went to his doctor for help.

The man told the Doctor he's never had a meaningful relationship. Every time he was about to make love and pulled his pant down, every woman would take one look at his twenty-five inches and get scared to death. The man stated: I've heard comments like: "There no way I can take that thing in me" or "you think you're going to tear up my insides." Doc it's terrible. I've tried surgery, steroids restrictive device, I just can't take it anymore. I'm so lonely, help me!!!!

The Doctor said :Sir the penis is almost all nerves, it would be very dangerous to try to remove any length, there's really nothing medical I or anyone can do. To this the man started to cry.

The Doctor felts so bad, he asked the man did he believe in the occult? The man replied: the occult? Yes the Doctor reply and continued: Well what I'm about to tell you, you might think strange, but I heard it could work for problems like yours. Anything, anything said the man with excitement.

Are you familiar with the pond on Old Dutch and Elm? To this the man replied: "yes." Well the Doctor said quietly, if you stand right at the edge of the pond and look across you will see, on the far side of the pond, a Frog sitting on a Lilly pad. If you ask the Frog to marry you and the Frog says "no", you will loose five inches of your penis.

The man quickly while running to the door replied: " I'll try anything.

When the man reached the edge of the pond. He sees the Frog and immediately shouts: " WILL YOU MARRY ME?" To this the frog replies: "no". The man looks down and to his amazement his penis shrinks five inches.

He let's out a large " WAHOOOOOO" and thinks to himself, "five more inches I'll be fifteen inches and almost a normal man size." Again at the top of his lungs he yells to the Frog: " WILL YOU MARRY ME?" the Frog again replies: "no." And again five inches are removed from the mans penis.

The man is ecstatic and again thinks to himself: " Hmmmmmmm five more inches and I'll be ten inches. Bigger than some men but smaller than others. I will be able to lead a normal life, find a wife to love me and no longer have to buy custom underwear. Shouting again, the man asked the frog: " WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

Just as loud the Frog responds: " NO, NO, NO."

__________________
____________
Nubian

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death
row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me."
Snap! he was dead.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was
wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those
shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard,
tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied,
"You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

LMAO

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

One day, the seven dwarfs are coming home after a hard days work. As they approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden. Their curiosity aroused, they stand on each others shoulders until, finally, one of them can see over the garden wall.

The dwarf at the top sees Snow White and the prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf whose shoulder he is standing on, "Snow White is with the Prince."

This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.

Then the dwarf at the top says: "They're kissing."
Again the chain starts:
"They're kissing."
"They're kissing."
"They're kissing."
"They're ......."

"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off............"

"They're both nude now."
"They're both nude now."
"They're both nude now."
"They're both........."

"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to.........."

At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall and she gets up to investigate. The dwarf at the top sees this and says, "She's Coming."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."

__________________
____________
Nubian

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.
2. Nothing is free.
3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.
4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.
5. It's perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.
6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won't get sued for it.
7. Keep those hard-earned pounds -- do nothing!
8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.
9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.
10. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.
11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won't lead to any embarrassing situations later on.
12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.
13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.
14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.
15. PMS won't keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).
16. Being "in the mood" to do nothing is no big effort.
17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.
18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.
19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.
20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.

__________________
____________
Nubian

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief.

He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village clinic," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn - what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

"Nothing at all for the sunburn, the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs"

here's one similar to Irish's


The father walks into his son's room, only to find him masturbating. The father says "Son, you know if you masturbate too much, you'll go blind."

To which the son replies "I'm over here dad."

__________________
"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

The sun is gone, but I have a light - Kurt Cobain

~I love Nikki~

The husband is lying in bed, when his wife comes in. He passes her a glass of water and an apirin. The wife asks, "What's this for?"
"It's for your headache" he replies.
"But I don't have a headache" she says.
To which the husband replies "Excellent" and turns off the lamp.

__________________
"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

The sun is gone, but I have a light - Kurt Cobain

~I love Nikki~

An old couple go into the doctor's for to discuss a problem. The husband says to the doctor "I want you to watch us having sex and tell us what the problem is." The doctor thinks this is strange, but feels that he should help out. So, the old couple go at it and when they're finished, the husband asks "So doc, what did you think?"
The doctor says "I can't see any problem at all."
The husband says that he thinks that they still have a problem and makes another appointment to see the doc. Again, they go at it and again the doc says that he see nothing wrong. This goes on for some time until finally the doctor says to the couple "Look, I can't see any problem with the way your making love. Why do you keep coming back?"
The husband replies "Well, we can't do it at the home. We can't afford to pay for a motel room and by doing it this way, we get 80% back on Medicare."

__________________
"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

The sun is gone, but I have a light - Kurt Cobain

~I love Nikki~

Q. What did the cannibal do after he ate his wife

A. He dumped her


Here's a joke from my 5 yr old niece:

Q. Why didn't the bunny hop out of the water?

A. Because he had no legs

__________________
"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

The sun is gone, but I have a light - Kurt Cobain

~I love Nikki~