![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
10-15-2018, 10:34 AM
|
![dicksbro's Avatar](customavatars/avatar7853_5740.gif) |
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
An Engineer Dies and Goes to Hell
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
10-16-2018, 01:11 PM
|
![PantyFanatic's Avatar](customavatars/avatar1294_535.gif) |
1 of 8,029,150,258
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: 41.36N-81.32W
Posts: 21,475
|
|
You are suppose to post jokes on this thread, not historical documentation.
![Confused](images/smilies/confused.gif)
__________________
PANTIES
the best thing next to cuchie
"If God didn't want you to play with it, He would have put it between your shoulder blades,..... not at the end of your arm"
Except for speculation, we ONLY have NOW and EACHOTHER!
real world of cyber people ~ Pixies ~ real people of the cyber world
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
10-16-2018, 11:16 PM
|
![dicksbro's Avatar](customavatars/avatar7853_5740.gif) |
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
^^^^ ![Smilie](images/smilies/smile.gif)
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
10-30-2018, 10:11 AM
|
![PantyFanatic's Avatar](customavatars/avatar1294_535.gif) |
1 of 8,029,150,258
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: 41.36N-81.32W
Posts: 21,475
|
|
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time's sake.
He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
After a couple of minutes, he asks, "How am I d oing?"The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three nots."
"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."
__________________
PANTIES
the best thing next to cuchie
"If God didn't want you to play with it, He would have put it between your shoulder blades,..... not at the end of your arm"
Except for speculation, we ONLY have NOW and EACHOTHER!
real world of cyber people ~ Pixies ~ real people of the cyber world
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
10-30-2018, 04:24 PM
|
![dicksbro's Avatar](customavatars/avatar7853_5740.gif) |
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
11-02-2018, 03:49 PM
|
![PantyFanatic's Avatar](customavatars/avatar1294_535.gif) |
1 of 8,029,150,258
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: 41.36N-81.32W
Posts: 21,475
|
|
Proof That Men DO Remember!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him..
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought just staring at the wall.*She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?'’ she whispers as she steps in to the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of*the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago, when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,'* he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. ... "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’ "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?” 'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said…
"I would have gotten out today."
__________________
PANTIES
the best thing next to cuchie
"If God didn't want you to play with it, He would have put it between your shoulder blades,..... not at the end of your arm"
Except for speculation, we ONLY have NOW and EACHOTHER!
real world of cyber people ~ Pixies ~ real people of the cyber world
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
11-08-2018, 06:05 AM
|
![dicksbro's Avatar](customavatars/avatar7853_5740.gif) |
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
Noah was a brave man!
Noah was a brave man.
Taking two termites onto his wooden boat.
BTW … loved your joke, PF! ![rolling](images/smilies/24.gif)
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
11-08-2018, 01:08 PM
|
![PantyFanatic's Avatar](customavatars/avatar1294_535.gif) |
1 of 8,029,150,258
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: 41.36N-81.32W
Posts: 21,475
|
|
Brave man indeed. Luv it. ![rofl](images/smilies/rofl.gif)
__________________
PANTIES
the best thing next to cuchie
"If God didn't want you to play with it, He would have put it between your shoulder blades,..... not at the end of your arm"
Except for speculation, we ONLY have NOW and EACHOTHER!
real world of cyber people ~ Pixies ~ real people of the cyber world
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
11-09-2018, 12:54 AM
|
![dicksbro's Avatar](customavatars/avatar7853_5740.gif) |
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
And, don't forget, Moses was once a basket case.
![Wink](images/smilies/wink.gif)
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
11-11-2018, 04:26 AM
|
![dicksbro's Avatar](customavatars/avatar7853_5740.gif) |
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
This is what comedy is supposed to be. The good old days.
This is what comedy is supposed to be. The good old days.
AT LEAST ONE OF THESE SHOULD BRING A BIG SMILE TO YOUR FACE...
Remember the old Hollywood Squares?
Classic Qs & As
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. What are doing when you say: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. If you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(Factoid: The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up
almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
11-17-2018, 09:46 AM
|
![dicksbro's Avatar](customavatars/avatar7853_5740.gif) |
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
Answers At Last
ANSWERS AT LAST
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
11-19-2018, 07:30 PM
|
![PantyFanatic's Avatar](customavatars/avatar1294_535.gif) |
1 of 8,029,150,258
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: 41.36N-81.32W
Posts: 21,475
|
|
Gems for sure.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. ![rolling](images/smilies/24.gif)
__________________
PANTIES
the best thing next to cuchie
"If God didn't want you to play with it, He would have put it between your shoulder blades,..... not at the end of your arm"
Except for speculation, we ONLY have NOW and EACHOTHER!
real world of cyber people ~ Pixies ~ real people of the cyber world
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
11-28-2018, 06:36 PM
|
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Maryland
Posts: 541,353
|
|
How do you make a Blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ear!
__________________
Eudaimonia
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
12-07-2018, 02:34 AM
|
![dicksbro's Avatar](customavatars/avatar7853_5740.gif) |
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
LOL! ![thumbs up](images/smilies/texla.gif) ^^^^
|
![Old](images/statusicon/post_old.gif)
02-08-2019, 01:44 AM
|
![dicksbro's Avatar](customavatars/avatar7853_5740.gif) |
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
A Cowboy Named Bud
A COWBOY NAMED BUD
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in central Texas, when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know anything about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
|
Thread Tools |
Search this Thread |
|
|
Display Modes |
Rate This Thread |
Linear Mode
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:51 PM.
|