why do women have 2 holes so close together?

so you can carry them about like a six pack of beer.


a man goes to the doctor with a lump on his forehead the doctor examines it and says "i'm afraid you have penisitus your lump will soon grow into a fully formed penis"

the man replies "you will need to operate to remove it"

doctor "i'm afraid surgery is not an option it is rooted deep in your brain"

man "you mean i will have to look at a full grown penis sticking out of my forehead for the rest of my life?"

doctor "no you wont be able to see it you will have 2 balls hanging down over your eyes"

__________________
Let time go on its time ridden race.
Never get caught in its snare.
Remember the only acceptable case.
For being in any particular place.
Is having no business there.

what does oral sex and and espionage have in common?

one slip of the tongue and your in the shit

an old couple in their 80's are sitting drinking in a bar the man says "do you remember the first time we made love?". "of course" replies his wife " 65 years ago we were sitting in this same pub and you suggested we go outside for some fun and you took me from behind over the fence it was so exciting"
"do you fancy doing it again for old times sake" asked the man
"sure" says the wife
so they head outside, a man who was sitting at a nearby table and overheard the conversation think this should be something and follows the old couple out and hides in the bushes.
the old couple approach the fence she lifts her skirt and lowers her nickers the man again enters her from behind as she leans on the fence, immediately the man begins thrusting forcefull and very energetically. they are at it for an hour and the pace doesnt let up at all, the man watching is amazed at their stamina and when they finally finish and lay on the grass to rest he goes over and explains that he overheard their conversation and had watched their romp and was amazed that after 65yrs together and at their age they could still have such great sex
to which the couple replied "65 years ago that fence wasnt electric"

__________________
Let time go on its time ridden race.
Never get caught in its snare.
Remember the only acceptable case.
For being in any particular place.
Is having no business there.

I saw this in a magazine the other day and it made me laugh for ages .. hope you enjoy

Dear Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong, one who's cock is thick and long
One who thinks before he speaks .. when he promises to call he won't wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed, when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed
A man who pulls out my chair and opens my door, massages my back and begs to do more
Oh, send me a man who'll make love to my mind, one who knows what to say when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin' - in the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen
I pray this man will love me no end, and he'll never ever attempt to shag my best friend
And as I kneel and pray by my bed
I despair at the loser you sent me, Lord, instead.

two truckers sitting eating in a diner. lady at the next table starts choking. one trucker gets up grabs her bends her ver the table and yanks up her skirt. he runs his tongue from her ankle to her back. the lady gasping spits up the piece of food. when the trucker sits back down his bud tells him "i've heard of but never seen that hienie lick manuver"

guy buys his gf a t shirt and a vibrator for valentines day. tells her if she doesn't like the shirt she can fuck herself.

guy tells the bartender send those two ladies drinks on me. they wave him over. thank you nobody ever buys us drinks because we're lesbians. he says no matter i was raised that ladies don't buy their drinks. wow how chivalrous you deserve a treat want to see our tits? sure. thank you. couple of drinks later you want to smell some pussy? sure. she blows in his face.

__________________
i'm funnier looking

__________________
CAPTIVATE MY ATTENTION, POSSESS MY BODY, INVADE MY MIND, ROCK MY WORLD AND, CALL ME "YOUR" BITCH... YOU KNOW MY HUNGER, YOU OWN MY DESIRE, YOU HAVE MY WILL, TAKE ME BABY... DIVINE PLEASURE

a teacher, a lawyer and a priest on a sinking ship.
teacher: save the children
lawyer: fuck the children
priest: do we have time?

__________________
i'm funnier looking

then there's the hooker who didn't know she was raped until the check bounced

__________________
i'm funnier looking