GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked …

'NO REFILLS'.."

I was digging in the back yard when a found a box with a gold coin in it. I started to go and tell my wife about it, then remembered why I was digging the hole.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

^^^^

Subject: Happy New Year 2059 !!!!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities in the U.S. still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed down; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help.


Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

U.S. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Average weight of Americans drops to 248 lbs.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in Arctic National Wildlife Refuge––even though gas is selling at 4532 Pesos per liter, and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine-feet-seven inches, with an average of only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

A DOG NAMED SEX

My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog Sex.
It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life.

Like the day that I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”

Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog”

He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”

“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”

He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”

***************

When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.

When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.

***************

After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.

She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”

I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”

The clerk said, “Me too!”

***************

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”

***************

One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.

I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”

My case comes up next Tuesday.

***************

Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.

I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog...”









Reply, Reply All or Forward
Send

















10

Settings


Austin Kelley

biplaneak@comcast.net

Funny stuff
I love it

Americans are terrible chess players.

They lost two towers in one move.

What did i do when US started bombing my country?

I-ran.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

__________________

I LOVE IT!

Thanks for making the day much brighter!

Pondering the depths of a weary mind…


1. If poison passes it’s expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that at least one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

7. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.


Great confusions still unresolved.

1. At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?

2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?


Vagaries of English Language!

Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

Why isn't a Fireman called a Waterman?

How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck. SHIPMENT?

Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?
How come Noses run and Feet smell?

Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?



Put your thinking cap on:
Did you know that if you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

Good thoughts for my guru, George Carlin.

__________________

PF

ANSWERS
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

DEFINITION OF "SERVICE"
I became confused when I heard the word
" Service "being used with these agencies:

1, Internal Revenue"Service".
2, U.S. Postal"Service".
3, Telephone"Service".
4, Cable T.V."Service".
5, Civil"Service".
6, State, City, County & Public"Service".
7, Customer "Service".

This is not what I thought"Service"meant.

But today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.

BAM !!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!

__________________