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Digi-Toys We'd Like to See
I Want New Stuff!
by William Dean
Every January, the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) in Las Vegas showcases the latest gizmos and gadgets for us buyers. It's a mega-billion dollar business, of course, but this year manufacturers were complaining of a flat market. Meanwhile, around the globe at Sexpos, such as those held in Moscow and Toronto, the latest in adult sex-toys cram booths to lure distributers. They, too, are beginning to say the market is bottoming out. When the market slumps, the usual reaction is to merge forces for manufacturing strength and to lower prices to get the buying public's support again. I'm going out on a limb here, but that's clearly what's needed for these two mammoth industries. I don't work for a manufacturer nor for the sex-toy industry, so I won't be getting a raise in salary or a nifty corner office for these suggested products. But what the hell, I'm still inspired by a feeling of good will and generosity left over from the December holidays, so here goes:
The MP3 Player-Programmable Vibe. Lots of people like to "do it" to music -- solo, or in tandem. This variable speed, realistic vibrating dildo also plays your favorite music while it "does" you. Comes with its own remote controller for easy over-the-shoulder adjustments to speed, vibration frequency, and volume. The regular model is priced at under $10. Also available in the Double-Dong model with two sets of wireless earphones for under $20.
The GPS Hi-Fidelity Lover-Watch 2003 System. Utilizing the latest in GPS (Global Positioning System) technology, this cool little monitoring device keeps your lover faithful. Guaranteeing their fidelity through an implanted transmitter, the system keeps track of their movement anywhere in the world with pinpoint accuracy. The implant monitors your lover's heartbeat, blood pressure, and sexual responses, of course, and, when activated, dispenses either an impotence-inducing chemical dose (male) or a combination depression-inducing/shopping impulse enhancement dose (female) to your straying beloved. Suggested retail, under $70.
The All-in-One Stun and Stim. This is a real beauty and shows that electronics developers and engineers have really been paying attention to consumer wants. Based on the old taser or stun-gun, this purse-sized model can be used on reluctant hubbies, penile-dysfunctional lovers, or just some likely hunk you pass on the street. It emits a micro-fine dart that delivers a powerful stunning electrical charge while simultaneously shooting out a laser-guided nano-needle which delivers a super-charged dose of Viagra for instant and long-lasting erections. Suggested retail is about $28 (see eBay for discounted prices).
Another cool item employing GPS development is the Digi-Master/Digi-Mistress for Doms and Dommes. No matter where they are, now you can completely control your subs with ease and confidence. The decorative collar device includes all the bells and whistles that discriminating Masters and Mistresses expect, including a broadcast cam, a nipple-tweaking armature (patterned after the remotely-controllable Mars Explorer!), and advanced volume-programmable audio receiver for shouts or whispers in total SurroundSound Dolby. Admittedly, the broadcast and receive equipment in this little gem make it a high ticket item, but still quite affordable at under $300.
The Sensurround "Home Alone" Discipline Entertainment System. Just the thing for those unfortunate submissives who are between Dom/Domme partners. The wall-sized screen projects randomized images of male or female dominants in authentic-looking dungeon environments who issue commands in SurroundSound-quality audio. The strap-on latex bodysuit is implanted with micro-sensors and stim nodes which mimic the restraint of silk, hemp, or chain bonds, clamps, collars, hot wax drips, etc. Put an end to sad nights for the solitary sub as you "surrender it all" to your own programmable Dom/Domme. Suggested retail: $499.95
Also for the solitary bachelor or bachelorette is the remarkable "Almost Like Marriage" Digi-Bed 5000. After years of development and study of marriage-like conditions, the DigiBed 5000 incorporates audio, robotic armatures, temperature controls, and body sensations to produce an authentic complete sleep environment simulator. Features include automated blanket/sheet tug-and-removal, "cold feet" applications to the sleeper's body, Dolby-realistic snoring, grunts, teeth-grinding and other programmable "simulated partner" noises. The patented "Body-Cast" mattress even simulates a male- or female-shaped "depression" for that authentic "morning-after" appearance of the bed. Price ranges from $399.99 for the single model up to $699.99 for the multiple-sleeping partner Super-King size.
The Virtual Bar/Club Friend-Along. Holographic projection technology is the crux of this handy device for when you, Joe or Jill Consumer encounter typical situations where a programmable "friend" can save the day or make your night. Activate the Friend-Along (programmable for male or female image) and it will appear that you're in the company of a lifelike companion who doesn't look as good as you do. If you happen to meet someone you'd "like to know better," your Friend-Along can be programmed to disappear into the bar/club bathroom and not "return." Or if someone you don't like tries to pick you up, activate the fully-interactive Friend-Along's "Dump the Loser" program and he or she will immediately make an excuse for you to leave the premises. Save time, stress, and have fun with the Friend-Along. Suggested retail: Under $150.
The DigiGasm 6 Personal Recorder. Ever have one of those mind-bending orgasms that you wish you could play over and over again? Now you can! The discrete micro-miniaturized DigiGasm 6 is a wristwatch-sized device that includes the very latest in personal body-sensation and digital imaging/audio recording equipment. Powered by the new enhanced nano-particle batteries, the DigiGasm 6 records your best orgasms on a tiny but powerful 1400 Gigabyte memory disc for easy-accessed replay without data loss. You'll never have to ask "Could we do that again?" because you'll know you can, with or without a partner. The DigiGasm 6 Personal Recorder is scheduled for release in late 2003 for under $100.
These products and more should be showing up on your dealers' shelves in the near future. If not, ask why not!
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