okay it kills me to say that because she truely is a beautiful woman. I've been helping her with self esteem issues ever since we met. As I said she is absolutely beautiful ... it's just that far more beautiful inside than out.

This has never bothered me before because up until now I've had no temptation. Now enters Moe (for Melissa), sister of a neighbor. I wish my wife looked like her.

Because of this I find myself thinking of infideality. I have only cheated once on a woman and that was unfourtunately her.
NOTE: I use the term "cheated" loosly. We seperated temporarily earlier in our relationship. I held off on doing anything more than feeling her up until after my wife and I seperated.

I have what seems to be unusually high morals and cheating is right at the top. Because of this I tend to be willing to be her slave almost. I don't really mind it most of the times and it's the least I can do.

I don't know what the hell's matter with me, I'm so damn confused!

any advice would be welcome, well duh'
Thanx

silentsoul...

tonight doesn't seem to be a good night to give advice.. tho I do have lots to say on this.. I think I might be wise to sleep on it and get back with ya

so for now.. I will only offer you hugs... and a smile... and a hope that you won't make any drastic decisions without really thinking on this...

I am curious tho... what about your wife is it that you aren't attracted to... can you explain that further? Is it her height, weight, hair color? Is it something physically she can, or can't change?

Hugs

First off - Cheating is VERY BAD.. dont think about it at all! I understand the almost going to slave thing because I was so worried about being tempted by other women that I practically avoided making friends with women so that my .. now ex-girlfriend wouldnt grow worried that I'd cheat on her because she thought she didnt look so hot. I did my best to make her feel better about herself and it had some success. I absolutely love the way she looks.. she is/was just right for me..

It is ok to look at another woman and think that she looks nice. However, it is not good for you to wish that your wife looked like some other woman.

Obviously you loved your wife and thought she was attractive enough to marry right? What exactly is the problem with the way she looks now to inspire these feelings?

I suppose the best advice I can give is this : Looks in a partner are far less important than having someone you love with your heart, that understands YOU and that you truly enjoy being with through the GOOD and BAD times in your life... Try to focus on your feelings for your wife and any physical qualities that do attract you to her and see if that dont help..

__________________
Wow... Funny isn't it? How you think Love has finally found you..... But at a whim it withers and blows away...

there is a self help author that talks about when you stop loving someone then you just need to love them .... don't know if this will help at all .. it's about - when you stop feeling love toward someone, then you need to do more loving things for and with that person ..... we love who we take care of and serve and we love them when they do the same in return, but the real love grows in the doing for that person, thinking about how it will make them happy, how they will get a bit of a thrill knowing we spent time and energy on them, etc. My final cliche comment (I know that's what they are, but things become cliche for a reason) - it's an old Irish proverb (I think it's Irish anyway) ... Choose your love and love your choice. Good luck .... you are both blessed in that you are willing to work through these feelings!

Unfortunately she inherited a big nose, lots of facial hair (which she never waxes and refuses to shave), she has really bad teeth, they're really staind and uneven. She also has REALLY small tits. I definitely wish they were bigger because that's what I prefer (mid B-mid C) I don't know her exact cup size because she doesn't know how to shop for bra's because the ones she get never fit. When her nipples aren't hard, they're the size of strawberrys. It also seems as though the moment we got married she completely lost interested in the way she appears. I never find that girl in anything but sweat pants.

You were obviously attracted to her at some point. Also, I know you've mentioned bisexuality at other times here at pixies. Do you think you're putting her down as a way to explain your attraction to men?

I'm not trying to come down hard on you, I'm just looking at the overall picture.

*sighs* okay this is a hard topic to speak on...I myself am no beauty queen, and can understand temptation and even moments of weakness...I for one have been left basicly at the alter before...won't go into that...but infidelity only hurts all parties involved in the end...perhaps bringing up a few topics with her in passing conversation would help...give her a reason to get dressed up...if you can't come out and say that you feel she has let herself go basicly...ask her how she feels about herself inside and outward appearances...she may want to change but be afraid too...of course that's just my two cents...that and a buck will get you a cup of coffee

__________________
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."

Hmmm, I am getting the feeling that communcation is lacking and you arnt near the point of running off with someone else. Lets face it there is almost always going to be someone better looking out there...cant fuck them all....

....But i agree with Cabrylla (god help me ) give her a reason to dress up, wine her dine her....you know the rest.

__________________
Love...the slowest form of suicide.

will mark that down on my someone finally agrees with me checklist...

__________________
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."

Damn.. I am SCREWED... cuz if finding happiness and love completely depends on my looks... then I am dooooomed... thanks for the great news.

Sorry SilentSoul (in advance) but I am about to be completely tough on you.

I am not sure how long you have been married, but I am betting that it must be less than 2 years... and honestly... you have lots of growing up to do. If you are as young as I think, you have a whole lot of learning to do, and you might be behind the curve. Sorry... but the reality of the matter is this: NO ONE is perfect and NO ONE is gonna fit your "ideal" image that you have conjured up in your mind.

There is no such thing as a woman without physical flaws... not unless she has enough money to keep a plastic surgeon on retainer and a medicine cabinet full of botox. If that is the type of woman that you are searching for, best remember that it all comes at a price... a pretty heafty one...

As you get into your 20's and approach your 30's, you will begin to realize (and I fear you will learn this the hard way) that there is sssssssssooooooooo much more to a woman that the shape of her nose... that is ONLY the tip of the iceberg sort of speak. The saying that beauty is only skin deep is the truth.

Now.. slamming you as I have... I will agree that it sounds like you do have some valid issues that need to be dealt with now. The key to fixing this marriage (if that is really what you want) is communication. Honestly speak with your wife, share with her your feelings (as gently and with as much tact and compassion as you can muster), your desire for her to work on these issues, and your reassurance that you will support her every step of the way.

I can't help but ask, being that you are young, and obviously haven't been married for more than a year or two, why is it that you married her at all?


Once again SilentSoul... I apologize for my bluntness on this subject... but I am NOT a beauty, in any stretch of the imagination, and I can't bare the thought of thinking for a moment that this will cause me to be single forever...

"Mothers, Goddesses and Whores" has become the usual explanation for men's expectations from women. The internet has allowed us to communicate in a more subtle and profound way, away from the shallowness of cultural dogma. The wise have always said though that there is someone for everyone and with compromise they are surely right.

However, this situation of letting yourself go does seem to me to be a breach of trust and I can understand that a guy might feel that he has been suckered into an arrangement not of his making or desire after which when he is as considerate as SS, the weight of moral obligation will force to compromise without reciprocation.

Don't be scared to be open yet compassionate about your concerns. The state you are in now appears to be the result of not facing these issues together. Nip it in the bud, bud.

__________________
Vigil, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.

Madam, if you were my wife, I would take it.

okay, first off, I thank you for your bluntness and your kindness.

Why'd I marry her? Unfourtunately, due to a few slight mental disorders and my bad past, I have a big problem with trust. I trust almost nobody. The minute my eyes laid on her, I trusted her, and from that moment on I knew that I would love this woman for the rest of my life. I might not like her every now and again, she might get on my last fuckin nerve, she might always look as good as before but who does?

No matter what I'm always going to love my wife and I would never leave her. It will be a long time (or hopefully never) before I would ever cheat on my wife. Understand that before this relationship, I never even looked at another girl if I was with someone.

I agree,somewhat,with most things,that have been said,but I agree mostly, with STO.One of the biggest things in a relationship,
is communication.Sometimes,you love the other&sometimes you
are MAD at them.My wife has done some things,that pissed me off
at the time.I'm sure that I have done MANY that pissed her off!We
lead different kinds of lifestyles.She has always done executive
type&accounting work.I have led a motorcycle,mechanical,blue
collar lifestyle,but we have always been there for each other.One
of the things is not to take the other for granted.I wish you all of
the luck in the world!You have to WORK at a good relationship.
Just remember"The grass is always greener on the other side of
the fence!" Irish

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

Ok before I get into this let me say Irish sometimes the reason the grass is greener, is because it has more bullshit under the surface. Just a thought to keep in mind, ok


Now on to silentsoul

Hey bud; I am not sure what to say to you. Other than I feel you have so many issues going on under your skin that you don’t really know how to handle any of them and now you are starting to feel overwhelmed. I have read some of your other post and get the feeling that a lot of what you are going through is just what people call life. The fact that you are young makes this feeling seam huge and unmanageable. I can tell you that in my early 20; s I was a mess I could not deal with marriage, a new baby, the stress of work and a home. Things seemed so out of control I keep thinking to my self that this was not the life I wanted, what happened to hanging out with my friends going to parties and not having anymore stress than “what’s for dinner mom”. Well life forced me to grow up a lot faster than I wanted to. I could be wrong but I get the same feelings when I read your posts. This topic of not finding you wife attractive is bullshit and you know it. Now I will agree you may not look at her the same as you did before you were married. I read last week in one of your posts that she told you she was pregnant (congratulations). A baby will cause us men to look at our significant others in a new light. You mentioned that you are afraid of hurting the baby that can make you distance your self from your wife. Some guys can’t handle the fact that their sexual partner their sensual; bed shaking swinging from the chandeliers fuck beast wife is now a mother and mothers should not act that way. This will also cause your feeling for her to slip. Or maybe you are just feeling trapped by marriage and the baby and that you want to walk on the wild side one more time. I don’t know which issues or combination of issues is bringing up this current dilemma of yours but I do know that the key to working this out is for you to decide if you want to stay married or do you want to split up, (I hope that you will stay together) once you have made up your mind I believe that communication is the very foundation of any relationship. In you case I would suggest that you seek professional help, get some counseling. The people here at pixies are wonderful and give great advice but you just can not get the help I feel you need here. My wife and I went through counseling several years ago and with out a doubt in my mind I believe that it saved my marriage

On a side note I just picked up a copy the book “Kosher Adultery” “how to seduce and sin with your spouse” by the Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Now let me say I am not Jewish but I will take good advice any where I can find it. This book deals with what leads to infidelity, what causes bedroom boredom and waning attraction, how to separate the friendship and passion in a marriage. I have just started reading it so I can’t give you an opinion yet but so far it looks good. If you are reluctant to talk with a counselor at least pick up some books on the subject.

__________________
Mind what poeple do not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.
Terry Goodkind, Wizzards Fifth Rule

There are two things a real man likes--danger and play;and he likes woman because she is the most dangerous of playthings.
Nietzsche


Monogamy does not have to mean Monotony

Unfourtunately, My wife had a miscarriage a few days after finding out that she was pregnant.

I know that most of this is just a part of growing up. I simply figured that I could learn from the experiences of people before me.