I'm not telling which ones apply to me 
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...
... you question why
you even need a computer
... you can't get AOL to work
... you can't set the clock on your VCR
... Your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
... you've ever said "When I was your age..."
... you find yourself admiring a pair of pants at Sears
... your back goes out more than you do
... you don't date women your age - there aren't any
... you no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials
... you can live without sex, but not your glasses
... it's hard to be nostalgic because you
can't remember anything
... Your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
... you quit trying to hold your stomach in,
no matter who walks into the room
... you stop buying green bananas
... you use the phrase "newfangled" in a sentence
... you've ever called someone "whipersnapper"
... the pharmacy gives you a volume discount
... you look forward to your senior citizen's discount
... people ask what color your hair used to be
... your get-up-and-go depends
purely on whether
you had prunes for breakfast
... you are proud of your lawnmower
... "getting lucky" means you find your car
in the parking lot
... Your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
... people remind you to turn off your blinker
... your auto insurance agent encourages you
to quit driving
... your best friend is dating someone half his age
(and he isn't breaking any laws)
... people call you at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
... you can't sleep if the house is a mess
... Your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
... 8 am is your idea of *sleeping in*
... the only reason you're still awake at 4 am
is indigestion
... you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before
... when you fall asleep in a chair,
people put a mirror under your nose
... you call Olan Mills before they call you
... you don't care where your wife goes,
just so you don't have to go along
... you constantly talk about the weather
... Your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
... you constantly talk about the price of gasoline
... you constantly talk about what
you wish you'd done with your life
... you can't remember
what you've done with your life
... you really *do* want a new washing machine
for your birthday
... your car must have 4 doors
... you enjoy watching the news
... you would rather go to work than stay home sick
... kids ask you to tell them what an LP is
... Your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
... you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started
... the phone rings and you hope it's not for you
... you've actually read the directions
on a hair color package
... you make an appointment to see the dentist
... you no longer think of
speed limits as a challenge
... you worry whether
you have enough insurance
... you have been sitting
at the *big table* at Thanksgiving,
longer than you care to remember
... neighbors borrow your tools
... your biggest concern
when dancing, is falling
... you have a dream about prunes
... you start looking like a prune
... *tying one on* means fastening
your MedicAlert bracelet
... you can't climb a tree...
even *with* a ladder
... you've recently said,
"I can't hear myself think!"
... you browse in the bran section
of the grocery store
... you answer a question with,
"Because I said so, thats why!"
... others ask for your recipes
... you yell at the paperboy
for damaging your flower beds
... you send money to PBS
... the bank sends you a birthday card
... the mortuary sends you a birthday card
... you actually look at the funeral plot brochure
... you paint the walls for a reason other than
to get your deposit back
... you think a CD
is a certificate of deposit
... the end of your tie
doesn't come anywhere near
the top of your pants
... you stop watering the lawn
to yell at someone
for driving too fast
down your street
... your high school diploma
is the color of buttermilk
... you have more than two spare pair of glasses
... you have a spare pair of teeth
... you have your own lawyer
... you realize that caution
is the only thing you care to exercise
... digestion is
a consideration
when reading a menu
... a choice of two temptations
means choosing the one
that will get you home earlier
... people call you to get someone's address
... you wear black socks with sandals
... you point out what buildings used to be where
... you rake the yard without being made to
... you know what the word *equity* means
... you are alarmed at how young your doctor is
... AAA makes good sense
... you tie ties for other people
... you *ssshush* people during a movie
... no one ever tells you to slow down
... you fill up the tank whenever you buy gas
... your hairbrush hurts your scalp
... you can't remember the last time
someone told you to "get a haircut"
... when you're cautioned to slow down,
by your doctor instead of by the police
... you make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins
... you have a party and the neighbors
don't even realize it
... you can quickly find anything in your garage
... it takes 2 hands to hold up your underwear
... all your pants are dress pants
... you can't make ANY article of clothing
look provocative
... you floss
... you dry-clean your blue jeans
... you plan vacations and stick to the plan
... someone sees you naked and screams
... all the pictures on your wall are framed
... there are no
cinderblock & board
bookcases
in your house
... your forehead
is twice as long
as it used to be
you talk about
*good grass*,
you are referring to
someone's lawn
... a broad mind and a narrow waist trade places
... Your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
... you've seen Halley's Comet..............twice
... you get into a heated debate
about pension plans
... you can't sit still without falling asleep
... a skateboard is not a transportation option
... you don't have to avoid temptation; it avoids you
... people see your
high school picture
and laugh
... you put your dirty clothes into a hamper
... you're not embarrassed
to be seen in public
with your parents
... you have more than
30 photos of relatives
displayed in your home
... you get excited about jury duty
... you actually call about the adjustable bed
they sell on TV
... everyone is tired of hearing how bad
your back hurts
... You used to have Saturday Night Fever...
Now you just have Saturday Night hot flashes.
... You Don't think of it as getting hot flashes.
Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
... Your memory's not as sharp
as it used to be.
Also, your memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
... You Know how to prevent sagging,
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
... You've still got it,
but nobody wants to see it.
... You're getting into swing dancing.
Not on purpose though.
Some parts of your body
are just prone to swinging.
... You know it's just scary
when you start making
the same noises
as your coffeemaker.
... You think you've reached
your sexpiration date.
... You know these days
about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
... You've tried to find
a suitable exercise video
for people your age..
But they haven't
made one called
"Buns of Putty"
... You don't let aging get you down...
It's too hard to get back up!
... You take every birthday
with a grain of salt.
This works much better
if the salt accompanies
a Very Large margarita."
... Everythng hurts....
and what doesn't hurt,
just doesn't work anymore...
... You walk with your head held high,
only to get used to your bifocals.
... The gleam in your eye
is from the sun
hitting your bifocals
as you try to get
used to them..
... You feel like
"the morning after",
but you haven't been anywhere
the night before.
... Your little black book
contains only names
ending in MD
... You get winded
playing cards.
... Your children look
middle aged.
... You join a health club,
but don't go.
... You decide to procrastinate,
but never get around to doing it.
... A dripping tap causes an
uncontrollable bladder urge.
... You know all the answers,
but no one asks you the questions.
... You look forward to a dull evening.
... You turn out the lights
for economic reasons
rather than romantic reasons.
... You sit in a rocking chair,
and can't get it going.
... The best part of your day is over
when the alarm goes off.
... You burn the midnight oil after 9pm.
... Your back goes out more than you do.
... The little gray haired lady you help
across the street is your wife.
... You have too much room in the house
and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
... You sink your teeth into a steak,
and they stay there.
... When you get excited your pacemaker
makes the garage door go up.
... Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
... You begin to regret all those times
you resisted temptation.
... Dialing long distance wears you out.
... You become intolerant of people
who are intolerant.
... Your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, your memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Linear Mode
