09-11-2002, 08:20 PM
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~*Forget Me Not*~
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Join Date: May 2001
Location: In hearts gone by....
Posts: 6,756
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Cyber Sex Etiquette
Rules for cyber sex!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realise that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.
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*Diva*
"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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09-11-2002, 08:29 PM
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the Lusty Wench
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: sunny california
Posts: 1,113
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ROFL - great words of wisdom and counsel -- thank you Diva!!!
jjjjbo
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09-11-2002, 08:30 PM
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Lusting Horny Pixie
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: In your imagination
Posts: 4,292
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ROFLMAO... since the only sex I get is either via cyber or Cam.. ROFL.. I can always use this reminder.
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09-11-2002, 10:38 PM
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Junior Member
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Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 10
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Hysterical Diva!
I have been trapped in bad cyber sex and could really have used your help. Now I know just what to do.
Thanks
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09-12-2002, 01:14 AM
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Pixies Den Mother
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: No-Hockey Land, dammit!!
Posts: 11,897
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09-12-2002, 04:09 AM
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Just me.
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
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Diva, you are truly gifted. ROTFLMAO.
( Good idea about protecting the keyboard  ) |
09-12-2002, 05:57 AM
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Seductress
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,316
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Diva................LMAO!!!!!!!!!................. OMG...that is so funny.....
Gee and I thought it never happens here at Pixies ..LMAO !!!!!
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~ Nikki ~
"In love there are no rules".......Bono
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09-12-2002, 08:57 AM
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words work wonders
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Darwin, Australia
Posts: 1,399
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hehehehehe hahahahahahe hehehehehe best laugh I have had in ages hehehehe |
09-12-2002, 09:20 AM
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Registered User
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: North Australia
Posts: 17,686
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Diva, one of your best yet.
With my luck I'd get cyber-clap, so I'll comment no further.
Sad the number of nods I saw while reading this.
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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating
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09-12-2002, 09:29 AM
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Senior Member
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 278
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Because I don't have cybersex, by Diva's definition.
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09-12-2002, 04:48 PM
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The Pimp-Hued Hillbilly
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: The Grove
Posts: 709
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neither do i.
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09-13-2002, 10:43 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: T.O.
Posts: 20,828
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ROFL I love the rules! I will no longer talk about having to let the dog out!  |
09-13-2002, 01:49 PM
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Registered Dork
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 1,714
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OMG!!! This was TOO FUNNY!!!
Especially the:
"6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!"
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I've actually done the beasts, posse, fork AND the coke (that is IF I've cybered...never really admitted to it ya know?)
And are you talking about what THIS guy is wearing?
"As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile."
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09-13-2002, 02:39 PM
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Turn it up!
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Join Date: May 2001
Location: Music City
Posts: 9,293
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Randy, you in big trouble girl...where do you get off posting my pic like that?!?
__________________
Plug me into somethin'
If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.
No good deed ever goes unpunished
Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.
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09-13-2002, 03:41 PM
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Registered Dork
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 1,714
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*hubba hubba* baby!
Next time put a towel under that butt.....I hate having to dry clean my chairs!!!
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Love it Diva!! Absolutely Hysterical!!!
erotic51
