Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
I'll mail you a check.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog.He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he
has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay
there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with
his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer
and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Little Johnny told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead
or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?", she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear and he didn't move," said the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?", cried the teacher in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssssst' in his ear
and he didn't move"

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage
that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of
prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could
convict someone on circumstantial evidence. The farmer responded, "No way
in hell could I do that!!" The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his
answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with
circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain.
"Well sir," the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole' Bessie
one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her
right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them
off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry. Then, I
got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down
and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her
left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor, as well. She then
proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both
of them to the floor...
"Well, I thought I had things under control until she whipped her tail
around and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I
moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of
tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-Shirt and
boots, my wife walked into the barn!! .....No Sir!! I do not believe in
Circumstantial Evidence."

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, “What the heck is going on?” The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

if rednecks ruled the world (1)

Attached Images

air force 1.jpg (25.8 KB, 252 views)

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

if rednecks ruled the world (2)

Attached Images

dentures.jpg (26.4 KB, 234 views)

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

if rednecks ruled the world (3)

Attached Images

jo beth stewart living.jpg (57.9 KB, 257 views)

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

if rednecks ruled the world (4)

Attached Images

white house.jpg (33.7 KB, 258 views)

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

MilkToast,

That's harsh dude, real harsh.

__________________
Eudaimonia

I totally fail to see anything wrong.

Love 'em all. Great. Especially liked the "circumstantial evidence" joke, Navarre and the Jo Beth Stewart one MilkToast.

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, A million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read:
Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says to grandpa, "Hey, grandpa now that your retired, is there anything that you always wanted but never got?"
"Yeh, there is", said grandpa.

"What is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you."

"Well, grandma, I always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa.

"A blow-job is what you want, then a blow-job is what you'll get. But I don't know how to give you one," said grandma.

Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the plant before I retired, say that in order to get it right, their wives practiced on Ketchup bottles."

Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all day tomorrow and give you a blow-job when we go to bed."

The following night grandpa was waiting patiently with a super hard-on. Grandma approached grandpa, grabbed his penis with her left hand....................


........and began pounding the top of it with palm of her right hand! Owwwww!!!

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Polish Sausage

A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??" The clerk says "Well, no..."

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."