Likewise.

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

THE HORTH WHITHPERER
If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
Male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives
the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, Can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, Can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,
But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, Can I see her twat'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny,
pulls him out and plops him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should
wephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long No
matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense
of
betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal
reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You
aren't
the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't
be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go." But invariably another
voice
in his head would bring him back to reality.


Whispering......












Dave.......

























Dave........































Dave........

























.........you're a vet Dave

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation.
Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.

The other flea asks him,' Why are you shaking so badly?'
The first flea says, 'I rode down here from Michigan in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.'
The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do.'

'Go to the Grand Rapids airport bar and have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy.'

'It's the best way to travel that I can think of.'

The flea thanks the other flea and says he will give it a try next summer.
A year goes by. When the flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.

The other flea asks,' Didn't you try what I told you?'

'Yes', says the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said. I went to the Grand Rapids airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in.

I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.

But when I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well done soda.


After getting involved in an auto accident, I was being question about the fight that followed.

" Officer, this is how the fight started...

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car that I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just get SO stressed...and life...sometimes life seems...suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close to me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

And I don't know what possessed me, Officer, but I looked down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'

.... and that's when the fight started "

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Lamo^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I Am Not Happy!!!!!!!!

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
1.Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
2.Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
3.Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
4.After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
5.Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
6.If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
7.If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
8.Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
9.If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
10.When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

Shouldn't this be in "advice" forum, cos it has some good ideas?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A terrorist runs into a pet shop .... he puts a bomb on the counter and shouts
"everyone has one minute to get out ........."

A tortoise at the back shouts .... " you c*nt ....!! "

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Today's attitude.

Attached Images

attitude.gif (3.5 KB, 131 views)

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A rabbi and a priest were enjoying the local 4th of July picnic.

"My friend, the baked ham is delicious!" teased the priest. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but why should such wonderful food be forbidden? You haven't lived until you've tried Virginia baked ham. So, Rabbi? When will you break down and try some?"

The rabbi grinned back at the priest, and said, "At your wedding!"

__________________
--------
"In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind."
Nora Ephron

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!"
Drew Carey

Good one.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas...

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas;

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or sister know how to use them, you may live in Texas;

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas;

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly," you may live in Texas;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas.

Need to be cheered up?
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the Sun?
Sun City, Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side, Texas 77423

Want something to eat?
Bacon, Texas 76301
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 79261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
Sweetwater, Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit, Texas 75436Colorado City, Texas 79512
Cleveland, Texas 77327
Dayton, Texas 77535
Denver City, Texas 79323
Klondike, Texas 75448
Nevada, Texas 75173
Memphis, Texas 79245
Miami, Texas 79059
Boston, Texas 75570
Santa Fe, Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!
Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613Egypt, Texas 77436
Ireland, Texas 76538
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460 No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth, Texas 79031

And a city named after our State!
Texas City, Texas 77590

Exhausted?
Energy, Texas 76452

Cold?
Blanket, Texas 76432
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?
Santa Anna, Texas
Goliad, Texas
Alamo, Texas
Gun Barrel City, Texas
Robert Lee, Texas

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670

Men are from Mars, women are from
Venus, Texas 76084

You guessed it….it's on the state line.
Texline, Texas 79087

For the kids...
Kermit, Texas 79745
Elmo, Texas 75118
Nemo, Texas 76070
Tarzan, Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas 77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile.....
Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas 77853
Old Dime Box, Texas 77853
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City. . .
Kilgore, Texas 75662

And our favorites...
Cut 'n Shoot, Texas
Gun Barrell City, Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course, Muleshoe, Texas

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas.
1. Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
2. Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10 The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."
12. The King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island.
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin, Texas in July of 1979.
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.
15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg, Galveston, Velasco, West Columbia and Austin.
19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
20. The name "Texas" comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females).
22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas:(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

There are some who have suggested that the whole state of Texas started out as a Tennessee colony...just count how many Tennesseans were at the Alamo, not to mention Sam Houston himself.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Something to offend almost everyone.
=============================

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to
get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you prick !'
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why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really nice day
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Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat
Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings
so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in
a bad mood, it leaves a big big red mark on her forehead.
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I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check
her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a
day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's
hilarious....
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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The
reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky... Mine's still alive...'
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "no way, you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10
minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating