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  #3136  
Old 11-20-2017, 04:07 AM
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Personal Motto

Personal Mottos

Don't remember if this has been posted before or not, but, it's cute so here it goes (again?)!


A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

And just how may I screw you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

One of us is thinking about sex...OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

You look like crap. Is that the style now?

Earth is full. Go home.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
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  #3137  
Old 12-06-2017, 03:21 AM
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Hollywood Squares

THE NAME OF THE PROGRAM** WAS "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"* IT WAS GREAT.

These are some classics from that program . Got these from a friend.

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they
are now!


Q .. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes
of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough..


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you** think that he is attractive, is it okay to come right out and
ask him if he's married?

A... Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,

WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
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  #3138  
Old 12-07-2017, 01:01 PM
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"If God didn't want you to play with it, He would have put it between your shoulder blades,..... not at the end of your arm"

Except for speculation, we ONLY have NOW and EACHOTHER!

real world of cyber people ~ Pixies ~ real people of the cyber world
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  #3139  
Old 12-19-2017, 01:59 AM
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^^^^ Youngster.

(Me too! )
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  #3140  
Old 12-24-2017, 06:09 AM
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Christmas One Liners

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper!

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soot's him

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present's beneath them.

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet?
It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis!

Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What does one ho plus two ho make?
Answer, a jolly Santa

Who doesn't eat on Christmas?
A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
To keep her off the North Pole
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  #3141  
Old 01-05-2018, 08:58 AM
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Not another blonde joke ...

Bob walked into the bar around 5:58 PM.

He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,*"You know, I reckon he'll jump."* The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly.

The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob "Fair's fair, here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money". I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

Bob took the money.
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  #3142  
Old 01-27-2018, 06:23 AM
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Drinking and Golf

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
*
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked
*
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf*in 20 years!"
*
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
*
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?*
*
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
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  #3143  
Old 02-06-2018, 11:26 AM
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^----
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the best thing next to cuchie


"If God didn't want you to play with it, He would have put it between your shoulder blades,..... not at the end of your arm"

Except for speculation, we ONLY have NOW and EACHOTHER!

real world of cyber people ~ Pixies ~ real people of the cyber world
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  #3144  
Old 02-07-2018, 02:56 AM
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Good to see you, my friend. Been a while. Place just isn't the same without you around.
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  #3145  
Old 02-17-2018, 05:31 AM
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The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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  #3146  
Old 02-20-2018, 03:04 AM
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A Nun Grading Kids Papers

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! Number 25 really takes the cake!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. St. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
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  #3147  
Old 03-05-2018, 12:00 PM
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"If God didn't want you to play with it, He would have put it between your shoulder blades,..... not at the end of your arm"

Except for speculation, we ONLY have NOW and EACHOTHER!

real world of cyber people ~ Pixies ~ real people of the cyber world
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  #3148  
Old 03-06-2018, 03:00 AM
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^^^^ Who is this stranger in our midst? He looks familiar but it's been so long! He even missed his special day.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, MY FRIEND!!
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  #3149  
Old 03-21-2018, 10:18 AM
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Golfing Accident

Two ladies were having a round of golf when they came up behind a foursome of males. Thinking they were far enough away, they decided to hit their tee shots. The first lady's shot was well shy of the foursome so the second lady took her tee shot. It sailed further and struck one of the males in the groin area. He fell to the ground holding his groin in his hand.

The lady ran up to him and apologized for the accident. She said, "I'm a trained physical therapist and I'll be happy to rub you to help reduce the pain."

The man at first replied he was okay but the lady persisted. "Let me help, please." With that she reached down and undid his trousers, pulled down his shorts and began to gently massage his member. After several minutes, she stopped and asked, "How does that feel, sir."

"Very good," he said, "but I still think my thumb is broke."


Last edited by dicksbro : 03-22-2018 at 01:28 AM.
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  #3150  
Old 04-09-2018, 04:35 AM
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Grandparents

Irish sent these to me and they are terrific!

Subject: Grandparents on Grandchildren...

1. I, grandma, was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
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