Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Smooth Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

Place your bets.

And they're off...!

Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Smooth Thighs and Big
Johnson
in a very tight spot.

At the halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top.

Smooth Thighs open up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Smooth Thighs are working hard on Bare
Belly

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's got
and
Passionate Lady taking everything Big Johnson has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through
and
wins by a head.

Heavy Bosom weakens and Smooth Thighs pulls-up the rear.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.

__________________
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping floors in a
pizzeria, and after 15 years works his way up to owning a small chain of
pizzerias.

He decides to have his own house designed and built for him. And it is
going to have everything!

One day he is talking to the contractor and says, "Makea you sure you puta
plenty da halo statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo statues.
One inna every room, even da bathroom."

The contractor, realizing his client must be a very religious person,
carefully plans a niche in every room, and personally searches for the
perfect statue for each niche.

Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his new home
for the first time. The contractor points out all the features, and finally
the Italian man says, "But wherea are alluh my halo statues? I wanna lotsa
halo statues!"

And the contractor points to the niches and says, "I put a statue in every
room, like you asked."

The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea da Saintas. I
wanna da Halo Statues! You knowa da Halo Statues es? Deya ring anda you
picka dem up, anna you say, halo 'stat you?"

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills!

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

one year a bird decided not to fly south for the winter. it got real cold and he froze half to death. a cow comes by and dumps on him. the heat revives the bird and happy to be alive starts singing. a cat hearing the singing removes the bird from the pile and eats it.
three morals to this story, not everyone who shits on you is your enemy, not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend, and if you're in shit and happy keep your mouth shut.

__________________
i'm funnier looking

Recently sent to me,

Subject: FW: Join the cause - similar to the turning your head lights on....

Mindful that the anniversary of the WTC terrorist attack is approaching, all
Australians are asked to assist in identifying any terrorists amongst us.
Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked
woman that is not a wife, this Saturday afternoon at 2:00 pm Eastern
Standard Time, all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house
completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to
prove they think it's okay to see other women in the nude.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, an Esky containing a
cold slab is to be at your side as further proof of your anti-Taliban
sentiment.

Australia appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your
participation.
God Bless Australia! Come on all Aussie men, get out there and support the
girls as they weed out the terrorists hiding in YOUR neighbourhood!!

Yours truly.

John Howard Prime Minister.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Some cute limericks:

Limericks

There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair,
Or that's what I thought
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air!

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd 'just take a chance'.
She let herself go
For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts!

Said the trader, "I'm not pleased one bit,
In our dealings, that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe -
I just won't accept that sheep chit!"

The guy who invented the vibrator had a vision, and in that vision he heard voices:

"If you build it they will come."

Field of Dreams?

A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he was having no luck at all. Then he heard a voice, "If you build it they will come."

He thought nothing of it at first but then he heard it again, "If you build it they will come." So the farmer thought and thought, prayed and prayed, until finally, he knew what to do.

A few months later he completed construction of his new strip club!

Brucie came home from work only to see his lover Sydney in a worried state.
"What's wrong, Syd?" Brucie asked.
"I think I've got something stuck in my ass. Can you take a real close look?"
Bruce told Sydney to bend over and gazed into his lover's asshole.
"I don't see anything up there, Syd."
"But there is! I know there is!" Sydney insisted.
"Stick your finger up there and maybe you can feel something."
Brucie complied but came up with air.
"I don't feel anything, Syd."
"I know something's up there. Stick another finger in!"
Brucie did as he was told.
"I still don't feel anything, Syd."
"Then try putting your hand up there!" Syd cried.
Brucie shoved his hand up to his in Sydney's asshole. When he pulled it out, there was a thousand-dollar watch on his wrist.
"What the hell-" Bruce said. "Whats this about?"
Sydney sings, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

Dicksbro---You mean thers a limerick;that doesn't start with---
"There was a young lady;from Nantucket"? Irish

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

Surprised, aren't you, Irish?

Just remember that old saying, "I don't care if it's funny ... as long as it's dirty!"

Dicksbro---It's funny;but;I have heard that so many times;thru my
life;that it just pops ;into my head;when someone mentions;the
word;Limerick.When;I first;heard that;I was just a young impressionable teenager;that anything;gave a hard-on to.I haven't changed with age.Now;I am;an older person;who gets
horny over anything. Irish

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

This letter is being sent to you because we know you are critically
interested in your front lawn, and this summer season will soon be upon
us.
This is a fertilizer club and will not cost you a cent to join.
Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of this list
and shit on their front lawn. You won't be the only one there, so
don't
be embarrassed. Then make five copies of this letter and send it to
five
of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will not get any money
or
checks, but within one week if this chain is not broken, there will be
9,216
people shitting on your front lawn Your reward will come next summer
when you
will have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood.
Mrs. Lucy Bowel 19 Bedpan Cover Wemouth, Mass.
Mrs. Paula Crapp 222 Enema Drive Quincy, Mass
Mrs. Charles Syringe 109 Suppository Drive Fink, Texas
Mrs. Smelly B. Hind 416 Diarrhea Way Kansas City, Missouri
Mrs.O Howie Farts 896 Rectum Road Washington, DC
Mrs. A. Bigger Movement 276 Fertilizer Way Melton, Mass.
If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbors.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man didn't give a shit and lost his
entire lawn.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" Benjamin Franklin
*******************
My Stories:
Dream Date
Just Desserts
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 1
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 2
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 3
RAVISHED!!
My Birthday - A Fantasy

Introducing White Trash Barbie!

She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up,
think-they're-better'n-you Barbies!
Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with
her special trailer-park friend.


Every White Trash Barbie comes complete with:

* Two packs of Newport 100's for Barbie's smoking pleasure!
* A six-pack of cheap beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie
during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.
* Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter-top and sandals.
Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama.
* Miracle-o'-procreation button! Press button on Barbie's back and
she's pregnant -- again!
* Action bitch pull string! Barbie can say 11 phrases including:
"I tol' jew gd#@! kids to git the hell outa my yard!", "Git me anuther beer,baybee.", "Whur's my f-#!*-n cigarettes?", and more!!
Also Available:
* Barbie Double-wide Dream Trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus also included.
*Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset (sold
separately)
* Barbie dream car. 1986 Chevy Chevette in mix-n'- match colors
and smokin' chokin' exhaust. Coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two White Trash Barbies.
* Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickn' leg action and Pimp Slap
backhand. With cowboy boots and Mad Dog 20/20 bottle. Curses, mumbles when string is pulled.
* Married-Life Ken with Beer-bustin' Expanding Waist. Molded to
recliner. With TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up woman." and "Git me a beer."
(NOTE: Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" Benjamin Franklin
*******************
My Stories:
Dream Date
Just Desserts
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 1
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 2
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 3
RAVISHED!!
My Birthday - A Fantasy

A friend of mine just sent me this one today ...

Okay you Texan guys, stand proud

----

Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the
other from Texas, are sitting around a campfire, out on the lone-some prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins.

The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the
corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by
the horns, with my bare hands."

The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15-foot-long rattler slid
out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that
snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the
poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.

This set is not complete unless it includes a big honkin' satelite dish out side lol

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.