Always loved that one.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Me too!

Speaking of Philosophy humor (which we were not) I just read the most delightful cause of the death of Bishop Berkeley: Divine neglect!

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Eudaimonia

And just to prove I'm philosophically bankrupt, a blonde joke.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'


'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'


'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.


So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.


With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over

--- so now we're going to SeaWorld

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A blond walks into a bar.....the end.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Two Irishmen walked into a bar . . . . you'd have thought at least one of them would have seen it.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

^^^^^

=====

ENJOY – A Blonde’s Year in Review


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.


February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won’t fit in printer!!!


March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ‘ 2-4 years!’


April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!


May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!


June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn’t find a lake with a slope.


July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!


August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.


September
The capital of California is ‘C’.....isn’t it???


October
Hate M & M’s.....They are so hard to peel.


November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!


December


Couldn’t call 911.
‘Duh’.....there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!




THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR – SO FAR


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.


She opened it then slammed it shut and Stormed back in the house.


A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.


As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.


Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ‘Is something wrong?’


To which she replied, ‘There certainly is!’
‘My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL!’

The Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the Pincess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would - no matter what: metal, wood, stone, you name it - anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry
her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he announced a competition: Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel but, alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt but, alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red with embarrassment. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

-- Question: What was in the prince's pants?
-- Answer: M&M's, of course, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
-- What were you thinking, you perverts? Hehehe!

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it's only kinky the first time

it's not the orgasm but getting there thats fun

a shot in the bush is worth two in the hand

whip me, beat me, tie me up, break my arm, but please don't break my heart

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid people are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt" -Bertrand Russell

^^^^ I love it!

A late Xmas joke.

How does Santa like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH,
AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... they need a laugh, too!

PS If I'm not posting tomorrow, you'll know my wife read this.

Lol.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

I am so glad I didn't tell that one.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Three very elderly ladies: Gertrude; Felicity and Olivia, were all sitting on a park bench when a guy in a raincoat came up; faced them; and opened his coat ... flashing the ladies.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Felicity also had a stroke.

Olivia, on the other hand, complained because she couldn't reach.