Subject: Kids in Church

3-year-old Reese: 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait. 'Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan , you be Jesus !'

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven, 'the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing? 'I wouldn't know what to say, the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say, 'the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

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Kids, better seen than heard.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A Short Story For Engineers

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.
A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers; "one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."

Moral: In engineering, it pays to KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid!).

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it's only kinky the first time

it's not the orgasm but getting there thats fun

a shot in the bush is worth two in the hand

whip me, beat me, tie me up, break my arm, but please don't break my heart

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid people are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt" -Bertrand Russell

Love it.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

That is not a joke but I guess we don't have a 'methodology' thread.

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Keep your crazy religion out of this Mr Fanatic.

There are impressionable minds in this fun-house.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

And there are impressionable not so young mechnical engineers in this fun house too !

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Sailing Fool

So there!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Two doctors were resting after having sex.

One says to the other, “You must be a Gynecologist, ‘cause you sure know how to work that pussy!’

The other replies, “You must be an Anesthesiologist, ‘cause I didn’t feel a thing.”

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Eudaimonia

Harsh, that is so harsh.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

This will warm your heart.........


Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
Food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And
Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me,

"Did I do it all wrong? Is God cross with me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
Certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said,

"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
Started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My
Grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for

The rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
Of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,









"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your arse you grumpy old bitch! "

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

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The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

OF ... you've done it again!

See, wisdom from the mouth of babes. It's a good thing.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf