TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you
365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once

every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more
often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling


4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are
the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat


36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in
the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty

book

98 times you were too busy watching football,
baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and
were screwing the
sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I

was trying to breathe.




I would just like to note that I received this in an email list I am on and I hope that it was enjoyable!!

__________________
I'm sorry...the voices in your head have informed me that they don't like you!

~*~Wisper~*~

~Hugz, Love, & Chicken Grease!~

LMAO. Those were cute.

LOL!

__________________
Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~

I got one......


RULES OF LIFE

Sometime we need to remember WHAT the rules of life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five mossst essential works for a healthy, vital relationship are " I apoliogize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5.When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself "will this matter in one year, one month, one week or even tommorrow?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

OK one more--but this is funny....

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Gotta love little boys.....To all my friends who have sons....and those who don't......

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy.
"Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.