> Subject: Fw: Steven Wright classic lines
>
>
> >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
guy
> who
> > > once
> > > > said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
> stolen...and
> > > > replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently
than
> we
> > > do -
> > > > to our amazement and amusement Here are some more of his gems,
some
> you
> > > may
> > > > have heard, but always funny!
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
> > > >
> > > > Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
> > > >
> > > > Half the people you know are below average.
> > > >
> > > > 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> > > >
> > > > 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
> > > >
> > > > A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
> good.
> > > >
> > > > A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> > > >
> > > > If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
> > > >
> > > > All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
> > > >
> > > > The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the
> > > cheese.
> > > >
> > > > I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we
> met.
> > > >
> > > > OK, so what's the speed of dark?
> > > >
> > > > How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
> > > >
> > > > If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
> overlooked
> > > > something.
> > > >
> > > > Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
> > > >
> > > > When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
> > > >
> > > > Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
> lazy.
> > > >
> > > > Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
> > > >
> > > > I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
> > > >
> > > > If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
> > > >
> > > > Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
> > > >
> > > > What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
> > > >
> > > > My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I
made
> your
> > > > horn louder."
> > > >
> > > > Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
> > > >
> > > > If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
> tried.
> > > >
> > > > A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
> > > >
> > > > Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need
> it.
> > > >
> > > > The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
> the
> > > > bread.
> > > >
> > > > To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
> many is
> > > > research.
> > > >
> > > > The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
> > > >
> > > > The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch
> up.
> > > >
> > > > The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required
> to be
> > > on
> > > > it.

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

Steven Wright was one of my favorite comedians,perhaps because of his "dry"
sense of humor & quick wit!I never see him on anything lately.My uncle just sent me this & I thought that you guys might appreciate it! Irish

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

He also claimed to be a periphreal visionary...he could see into the future, but only off to one side...

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Once, he accidently put his car key into his house lock and it started up...so he drove it around the block a few times!

I love his humor!

__________________
Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~

The comedians that makes us think are really getting the last laugh.

__________________

What the hell did I just say.

__________________

Stop stealing my lines, old man!

I love Wright's delivery, too. So dry!

Has anyone seen him lately?I used to see him,on TV,at least weekly.I know
that he wasn't a "Flash in the pan"I haven't tried a search but I was just
wondering,why I never see him anymore! Irish

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

Yea,but not in a row..........This guy is crazy....Thats why I like him......You can see Steven Wright in Jim Jarmush's new movie......Coffee & Cigarettes...Probably out on video by now.....

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Sex is one of nine reasons for reincarnation.The other eight are unimportant...Henry Miller

OK, I'm not sure it was SW, but it's his style, even if he wasn't the comic involved in this. Basically,it's the most elaborate set-up I've ever heard of.

The comic invovled would walk out on stage, and open his show with the signature joke:
"I lost my job last week. Well, i didn't lose it exactly, I know where it is. But when I go there, there's this other guy doing it."

It got to the point, that he would just wlak out and say "I lost my job last week...", and there would be an obligatory titter from the audience. Well, one day he came out on stage, looked at the audience and said "I lost my girlfriend last week". Nothing else. It gradually hit the audience, and they started laughing.

Of couse, I'm picturing the one poor slob in the audience whose never heard this guy before, sitting there thinking "What the fuck is everybody laughing for?".

So, anyway, can anyone confirm that the comic involved in this either was or was not Seven Wright?

__________________
On the kinkometer, my kink measures as a sine wave.

"I always wondered why the alphabet was in that particular order... maybe it's because of that song."

__________________
Put me on wheels and I'll turn tricks.

Clever? Nah, I ran out of that years ago. But if you find this, let me know, k?
"The road goes ever on..." ~ Tolkien

In memory of my friend skip...
Go then, there are other worlds than these

gekkogecko---I'm not familiar,with that one but a "rough"description,would be:
White man,Afro type dark hair,very bland,expressionless face.I'm crappy at descriptions,but he is also a
hard person to describe.It sounds like him tho.His jokes were stupid but if you
thought about them,they "almost" made sense!Scary! Irish
P.S.lakritze---Do you know,if he does "stand-up" anymore?

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

"I suffer from dyslexia...well, actually I don't suffer from it so much, I kinda dig it..."

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

"If you go the speed of light in your car and turn on the headlights, what happens?"