I got this in an email and I thought it was so funny!!!!


COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2004
RE: Company Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
================================================== ===============
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2004
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party".

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will
have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
================================================== ===============
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2004
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

I seriously need a drink
Patty
================================================== ===============
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 05, 2004
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little
foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to
cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people
with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot
supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
================================================== ===============
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: October 06, 2004
RE: The F***ing Holiday Party

Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them.

I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B!tch from HELL!!!!!!!!
================================================== ===============
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 07, 2004
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays !
Joan

__________________
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.
~Bob Marley
His clothes are dirty, but his hands are clean; and you're the best thing that he's ever seen.
~Bob Dylan