Right after he finishes his beer.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

I'd love to see the coroner's report.

"Your Honour, I removed approximately 38 full bottles of beer from the victim's rectum."

"Rectum, Mr Coroner?"

"Sure did, your Honour."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
"They've lost the plot".

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were $70. "Bugger this", I thought, "I can get one
cheaper off the web".

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an tow truck parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself "That
guy's heading for a breakdown".

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

An older guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The pretty doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...


Watch out for the OLD guys!

I want an appointment with her.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

You're just wanting to practice counting, aren't you?

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife.

They said “Is this your wife sir?”

Shocked I answered “Yes”

They said “We're afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus”.

I said “I know, but she has a lovely personality & she’s good with the kids”.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.


One called Justin and the other called Christian.


The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'


A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'


Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.


Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.


Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.


All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.


Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.


He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.


(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.


'Where's Christian?' he asked.


'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.


Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.


As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.


He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'


Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'


Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........


(You're going to love this................................)



.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.

'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian' .

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

While creating women, God promised Adam that good and ideal women would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant.
The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that -- The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

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it's only kinky the first time

it's not the orgasm but getting there thats fun

a shot in the bush is worth two in the hand

whip me, beat me, tie me up, break my arm, but please don't break my heart

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid people are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt" -Bertrand Russell

Aqua!!!! Lilith!!!!

Booger's throwing Pie Thagarouses at me again.

What do you mean, take two aspersions and call me in the morning?

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Booger, I must say that is a terrible math joke.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating