oh boy I'm back again ,actually I'm sure some of you know me under my other handle to protect the identiy of those involved but I decided to use this one for this particular post plz forgive the spelling I'm typing fast and can't be bothered spell checking at the moment

realy I'm just looking to pull of one of my old fashioned rants because I'm in one of those post break up painfull places , well my relationship of a good 2 and a half years broke down a few weeks back, things had been deteroating for a while, ever since we both lost our jobs and febuary and I used all my savings keeping us supported with food and whatnot and we never had any extra money to go out and do anything

eventually between me using all my savings on keeping us together I grew bitter towards here and naturally we fought more and more , eventually with me sending her back to her parents a good three or four weeks ago because I just new there was no way things were gonna work unless we had some space apart, as I had just gotten a new job and at least that has been going strong

so after a week of us pretty much not talking at all, she tells me she does wanna work things out and she had just needed some time to herself to think things over as well, so I said no problem and we make plans for her to come down on the weekend so we can see if things are savalgable, so she arrives that friday and we have a bit of fun before I headed off to work for the night, of course the next day she goes to hang out with a friend she's known for a while

so sitting around bored by myself I check the msn logs and what do I find but her talking to this same guy she's gone to meet , talking about how she needs a new person to have sex with cuz she doens't love me anymore and making plans to meet him and fuck... not just hey lets meet in fuck , but discussions putting me down, planning a place where they could do it, how to distract me and his girlfriend, even right down to birth controll.. naturally I called her on his cell phone which lead to me kicking her out and she ended up hitch hiking home, I offered her a drive naturally but she didn't want it , not that I can blame her for not wanting to sit in a car for 2 hours

that hurt enough as it was , because I had been ready to accept us not getting back together after that first week, but I just couldn't comprehend why she'd tell me she wants to get back together then come here and do that on the FIRST night, she says its' because she didn't know what she really wanted and that she never really intended to have sex with him ,but I read the whole thing there was no joking in any of this

though she still maintains she never cheated on me or anything we have been broken up for a bout a week or so now, she's told me that she does regret screwing things up and wants me to be with her again but I just can't bring myself to do that , and as much as I like to say it doesn't hurt that we were pretty much broken up and that we had been fighting and everything , it still hurts to lose her, and yeah I do want her back but I can't bring myself to accept her back because it feels like things would just turn out the same

now I do believe her when she says she hasn't been with anyone else physically but still even mentally it was a betrayal , now I'm getting depressed again I'm so incredibly lonely that I don't nkow what to do with myself, and my new job requires I work the backshift, which is great pay and my carrerr is skyrocking, everyone tells me I"m going places, but when it comes down to it, it's taking all my energy just to hold myself together that I don't knwo how long I can go at this pace

I can't very well take time off from work because I've got so much on the line career wise right now, I've gotten the attention of the higher ups and I have to hold that if I'm gonna pull things ahead, they've already told me that they are highly considering me for the next promotion, and between work and everything going on at the same time it's been very draining

really I don't know what I'm doing lol I've even got another 2 girls who are both interested in starting a relationship with me right now so I have to deal with that as well, and really I'm not in a position to do anything with anybody right now, I mean I've been though this all before so I remember the pain, and I know it goes away with time, it's just such a pain in the ass waiting for it to because I know how long it lasted last time I ended a relationship this long, and this time it's worse because she does still wanna be friends and I do stil lcare about her and Id like to keep her as a friend as well but it's so freaking hard right now

lol so theres my rant of the night


"soon the night will take me
and save me from my pain
wrap me in cold darkness
and help me lose her name"

(((Hugs)))

No one deserves betrayal whether it be physical or emotional. The only advice that I can lend is that you should place your needs at a priority and remove yourself from this last relationship entirely. Pay attention to your career path and find happiness within yourself before entertaining the idea of becoming involved with anyone.

I wish you well....