Works for me, Scotz.....LOL

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"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" Benjamin Franklin
*******************
My Stories:
Dream Date
Just Desserts
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 1
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 2
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 3
RAVISHED!!
My Birthday - A Fantasy

Scotz---Also;multiple vehicles;on blocks;not wheels;in the overgrown yard!Also;multiple dogs;that live;under the trailer!
Irish

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Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

Shouldn't there be a Shrimp on the Barbie?

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

hey thats no way to talk about ken

Q: Whats brown and sticky?

A: A stick


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Jed the game keeper is out early one morning shooting rabbits, to make them easier to carry he guts thenm in the field and threads them on a pole slung over his shoulder, the guts he puts into a bucket for disposal later.
He looks over the hedgerow and see's Father O'Malley hurrying up the lane towards the vicarage, jed heads over to greet the Father but just as he gets to the hedgerow the Father ducks down into the hedge and drops his pants - Jed is a bit taken aback by this, its not everyday you see a clergyman taking a dump in a hedge, but has a chuckle and creeps over to where the Fathers bare backside is and scoops a few handfuls of rabbit guts out of his bucket and droped it onto what the father had excreted. He snuck away softly chuckling to himself.

A few days later Jed bumps into the Father and asks if everything is OK as he had looked pale these last few days?
"well Jed" replied the father "A few days ago I was taken short and, well, when you gotta go, you gotta go - so I dropped my pants and went in the hedge. I stood up and as I was pulling up my pants I noticed I had accidently passed my own intestines."
Jed could barely contain himself
"But with few shots of medicinal whisky, my middle finger and gods grace I think I managed to get most of them back up there"

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME PLAYING ON THE COMPUTER WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.


HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I
HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. ~~~~ I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.~~~~ HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
All I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? ~~~
I DON'T THINK SO!!!!!!

This is old fashioned but cute.....................A travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he
called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on
the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him
apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that
should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate
machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening,
at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever
received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that
read, "Manicures--25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled
them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine
Provides What Men Need Most When Away From Their Wives." (Cost--
50 cents) The salesman was embarassed and looked both ways.
Seeing nobody around he put his fifty cents in the machine, then
unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening--with
great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two
weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of
agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling
hands, the salesman was able to with draw his penis, which now had
a button sewed on the tip.

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Tina Turner is going to the doctor: "Doctor, I have a problem. But I cannot talk about it, I need ABSOLUTE discretion." The doctor says it is ok and he will not talk about it. "Doctor, my pussy lips are too big. I want them reduced." The doctor says he can do it, oganizes a place in the hospital for her and promises discretion.
...
The day of the operation Tina wakes up in her room. It is full of flowers. Very angry she rings for the doctor. "Doctor, what happened, didn´t I ask you for discretion???"
"Yes, yes, but this case is really an exception. Have a look at the greeting card!"
She takes the card and reads: >>Many thanks for the ears. Nicki Lauda<<

__________________
If every material thing is gone, my smile and my tears stay left.

Just had this sent to me.

It's too true.

Contemporary Wisdom
*
Every teenager should get a high school education.
Even if they already know everything.
*
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
*
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
*
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.
*
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days
No one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
*
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
*
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
*
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
*
I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
*
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
*
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
*
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
*
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment,
and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
*
You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-12 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

>After living in the remote wilderness of
> Kentucky all his life, an
> old
> > > > >codger decided it was time to visit the big
> city. In one of the
> stores
> > > he
> > > > >picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not
> knowing what it was, he
> > > remarked,
> > > > >"How about that! Here's a picture of my
> daddy." He bought the
> > > 'picture',
> > > > >but on the way home he remembered his wife,
> Lizzy, didn't like his
> > > father.
> > > > >So he hung it in the barn, and every morning
> before leaving for the
> > > > >fields, he would go there and look at it.
> > > > >
> > > > >Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many
> trips to the barn. One
> day
> > > > >after her husband left, she searched the barn
> and found the mirror.
> As
> > > she
> > > > >looked into the glass, she fumed,"So that's
> the ugly bitch he's
> runnin'
> > > > >around with."

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Dogs' Letters to God

Dear God:
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God:
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God:
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God:
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God:
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God:
Can you undo what that doctor did ... ?

CAT'S LETTER TO GOD

Dear God:
Do you exist? I'm just curious .... I don't really care.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in
desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then,
suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt
the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said I believe
I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely
remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do
everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour".
Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask
the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, but the
bird continued..."May I ask what the chicken did?"

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their great hits
with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:
* Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
* The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
* Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
* Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
* The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
* The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
* Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
* The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
* Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
* Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
* The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
* ABBA: "Denture Queen"
* Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
* Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
* Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A guy walks into a Cadillac dealership and strolls around the showroom, looking at the cars on hand. One of the salesmen spots him and walks up to him to see if he can help.

"Are you thinking about buying a Cadillac today?" the salesman asks.

The guy answers "No, I'm GOING to buy a Cadillac. I'm THINKING about women!."

__________________
Do any of you girls like cowboys?



I'm at work and the firewall won't let me chat, Sigh...PM's and e-mail ok

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. While
shopping they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani
accent say Come in! Come into my humble shop." Once
inside The shopkeeper said, "I have some special
sandals I think you would be interested in."
"Dey make you wild at sex.
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after hearing what the man claimed, but her
husband felt he really didn't need them.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make
you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib."
After much badgering from his wife, he agreed to try
them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes; something his wife
hadn't seen in many years... raw sexual power.
With a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked
down his pants.

The Pakistani began screaming: "YOU HAVE DEM ON THE
WRONG FEET !!! "YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG
FEET!!!"

__________________
Do any of you girls like cowboys?



I'm at work and the firewall won't let me chat, Sigh...PM's and e-mail ok