Bohica.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

These are just sad. I left the worst out, but PM me and I'll flick them to you.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's
iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.


There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Darwin but I've been
banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.


A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?". He said "Her brother's got a moustache".


Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan.

He was standing on a jetty on the Nerang River.

He got so excited he lost his footing and fell into the river and could not swim.

Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.

By noon today, they still hadn't arrived

I’m beginning to think, I've wasted a stamp!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

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Eudaimonia

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota . He said that since
early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.


The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:Hello. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No,my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Apple Mac?

COSTELLO: I dont want an apple and I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Your Desktop and Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: What do I want to be looking at my desktop and the wallpaper for if Ive just bought a computer! Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.
What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Howcan I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START' ...

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Costello sounds like my father. He doesn't know anything about computers. LOL.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Cute.

This is one of the best emails I have received in a while!

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Both of those were too funny!!!!!

This has been posted before, but worth another shot.

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Sounds good to me.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did..... *


FIRST TESTIMONY: *
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in
tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better. *


SECOND TESTIMONY: *
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with mens balls" *

THIRD TESTIMONY: *
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget. *


FOURTH TESTIMONY ** : *
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter. *


FIFTH TESTIMONY: *
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in
between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an
accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! *


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: *
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

This is the most obscure joke I've read in ages.

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar doing what he does best - philosophising. He's had a few pints of ale over the course of the evening, and it's now last call. The bartender asks him if he wants another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and promptly vanishes.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Philosophy jokes are like that.



So a string walks into a bar, gets drunk, gets into a fight, and ends up on his ass out in front of the bar with the bartender shouting “... and I won’t be having any strings in here again!”

A week goes by, the string gets paid, and wants to get a load on. Remembering the bartender’s parting words from the week before, the string grabs the top of himself, makes a big loop, which his lower half then jumps through. The string finishes off his disguise by unraveling some of each of his ends.

Sure enough, as soon as the string walks back into the bar, the bartender looks, squints because he’s not 100% sure of himself, then says, “Hey! Aren’t you that string from last week?”

And the string replies,











“I’m a frayed knot. I’d like a beer.”

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Eudaimonia